There comes a point when even the most dedicated junk food afficianado needs to suck it up and stop eating like a 6 year old...
Or so I told Dan, last night at dinner.
As I watched him play with his green beans and mushrooms, lovingly sauteed together in gahhhhlic and olive oil (EVOO? HELL no. Bite me, Rachael Ray) while putting none of them into his mouth, a lightbulb when on over my head.
Me: You need to stop eating like a little kid. I mean, seriously, dude... you're almost 40.
Dan: What do you mean? I don't eat like a little kid!
Me: You gained almost 20 lbs in the 6 weeks we were apart and you were left to your own devices. You existed entirely on fast food and buffets, washing it down with Diet Pepsi because in YOUR head? That's a weight loss method. NO one over the age of 20 does that. Seriously. Eat your green beans, for God's sake!
Dan: They're slimy. What did you do to make them slimy?
Me: Added a bucket of slime, of course. They're not slimy! They were sauteed in olive oil. That's why they're shiny.
Dan: *wrinkled nose, flicking the green beans and mushrooms around with his fork* They look slimy.
Me: Suck it up, Nancy, and take a bite. You need to start eating like a grown up. There is more to life than chicken nuggets, steak, rice pilaf, french fries, and CORN. Your cholesterol is almost 500, for God's sake... eat a green bean and save your life!
Dan: I'm on cholesterol meds...
Me: Ummmm... I think you're missing the point of the meds, honey. Sometimes you need to do things you don't necessarily want to do because it's good for you.
Dan: I eat spinach now.
Me: You eat spinach that is folded lovingly into a creamy mixture of cream cheese, sour cream, and swiss cheese... and brought to your mouth on a tortilla chip.
Dan: It's still spinach.
Me: If you could eat AROUND the spinach, you totally would.
Dan: What about YOU? YOU won't eat anything with mayo in it!
Riiiiiight... because my life is being shortened by my extreme mayo phobia. Talk about a point missing it's mark. Yep, you got me.
I don't know what it is about mayo. I can't stand how it looks, how it smells, how it tastes... It is the one thing I will absolutely throw up if it's put in my mouth. For years, when we were kids, our mother would try to sneak it into our food and try to convince us it wasn't there, but my sister and I always could tell and would gag in harmony on the first bite.
When I was in high school, there was an article in Cosmo (the Holy Bible of teen-age girls, circa 1977-1981) about conditioning your hair with mayo. The article said to slather the mayo onto your hair, then wrap it in Saran wrap and leave it for about 10 minutes.
Why I thought this would be a good thing to try is beyond me... but since Cosmo said, do it... I did.
I gagged and choked while "slathering" my hair with mayo. I hung over the tub and puked while I let it sit in my hair for 10 minutes. I dry heaved while I rinsed it out.
I used my mother's bathroom for the next two days because MY bathroom smelled like mayo afterwards and I gagged every time I went in there.
After I told him this story, he rested his case, believing my teen-age trauma was proof-positive that I do not eat like a grown up.
(I love man logic.)
Bottom line: I'm pretty sure Dan is going to go out not unlike Mama Cass... with a chicken nugget in one hand and a french fry in the other.
Some things, you cannot change.