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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

24 October 2011

Passive Aggressive Facebooking: Decoded and Unplugged


Today is National Pet Peeve Day.  (I just invented it, like, right this second.  You're welcome.)

One of my newest and most trendy pet peeves is Vaguebooking, aka Passive Aggressive Facebooking.  I find it fascinating (and wildly annoying) how much attention people get for posting dramatic status updates that say, "OMG!" and then they don't come back online or provide an explanation for two days.  Or, "I can't believe this just happened..." AND...gone.

Meanwhile, left in their wake, are 47 comments that all say the same thing:

"What happened?"  "Are you okay?" "I'm praying for you..."  or just a meaningful emoticon:  " :(  "

I'm going to take a moment to translate for you:

"OMG" means, "Pay attention to me."

"I can't believe this just happened..." means, "Pay attention to me."

(It can also mean, "I'm a drama queen" or "I'm desperately needy" or most likely, D) All of the above.)


My cries for help, love, and attention via facebook always go unnoticed.

Inspirational Quotes with the simple statement, "So true..." make me stabby.  Like, seriously stabby.  Granted, it's a sure-fire proven method of getting all 200 of your closest friends to tell you how beautiful and wonderful you are, but wouldn't it be MORE meaningful if you just wrote, "I hate that limp-dicked bastard and I hope he gets hit by a bus and his whore girlfriend's twat explodes on impact"?  


Because that's what you're really thinking, right?  I mean, if you are actually thinking, "If you love something, let it go free... If it comes back, it's yours.  If it doesn't, it was never meant to be..." then I've got news for you:  You're stupid and I will make fun of you.


Usually I don't pay attention to the "Inspirational" quotes and pictures because I'm kind of an asshole and I find them freaking hilarious.  My eyes roll of their own free will as I skim through the words.  My body releases a derisive snort, completely of it's own volition.  (Honest.  I'm all, "BWAAAAAAA!" while I'm thinking to myself, "Dani, how rude... someone put a lot of time and effort into clicking "share" from their friend's Facebook pages to best express how deeply they are hurting...")  Meanwhile, my hand flies up to my mouth and suddenly I'm making rude fart noises as I finish reading the asinine quote, thus effectively gaining NOTHING from the well-chosen words that obviously spoke so loudly to the person who took the time to post this shit on their wall.  (As they were wiping tears out of their eyes because those words applied perfectly to their lives.  It's like, it was written for them.)


If one more person posts



(Bonus points if the quote comes with a Marilyn Monroe credit.)  


Because this sounds like something a film star who made her living out of playing a dumb blonde would have said in the '50s...  Yes?

I've collected some of my favorite eye-rolling moments and I'm going to not only share them with you today, I'm going to define them for you and translate the message hidden within the message. Because I?  Am a giver like that.  (I'm seriously nominating myself for a Nobel Peace Prize. How thoughtful am I to take time out of my busy day of watching a Hoarders marathon to do this?  Jesus must be so proud.)


Let us begin with the famous break-up quote:




Translation:  


Funny Breakup/Divorce Ecard: I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks.




Then there's the "Nobody Likes Me Everybody Hates Me" quotes:



Translation:





And we can't forget "the Haters":


Translation:






The "Empowerment" Quote:





Translation:


One of my faves:  The "He was the best guy you'll ever get but since he dumped you because you seriously are the most boring person alive we're going to be supportive and make you feel like you deserve better" quote:





Translation:





The "I've Only Got 5 Friends On Facebook So Feel Sorry For Me" Quote:






Translation:





The classic vaguebook "I'm Upset And I Want Everyone To Wonder Why, Especially Someone In Particular Who's On My Friend's List" Quote:







Translation:





The "I'm A Total Bitch And No One Can Stand Me Except Other Friendless People Because I'm All They've Got" Quote:


Translation:







The "How To Lose A Friend In 5 Minutes" Quote:





Translation:







And finally, The Dani "See, Mom?  I'm NOT Wasting My Education!" Quote: