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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

23 October 2011

When Big Tom doesn't redeem me


So Dan and I have been driving past this sign for months, every time we head down to his parent's house.  There is an enormous white board building behind it.  Every time we pass it, I giggle and snort and say, "Save me, Big Tom!  Save me!" in my best "The Yankees are comin'!  The Yankees are comin'!" accent and Dan gives me a look (his patented "What the fuck are you talking about?" look) and ignores me.

"Who's  your Daddy?"  "You are, Big Tom!  You are!"


Friday, as we were heading down to see his parents for the weekend, I started snickering and snorting, per usual, and saying really inappropriate things, like "Who's your Daddy?  Ooooh... it's BIG TOM!  He's here to redeem me with his mighty penis!  Oooh, Big Tom... I'm on my knees... redeem meeee!!"  and finally Dan said, "WHAT are you TALKING ABOUT?"

Me:  "I'm talking about Big Tom and his Redemption Center." (Duh...)

Dan:  "I don't get it!"

Me:  "Big Tom... He's going to redeem me with his largeness."

Dan:  "Dani! What the fuck are you talking about?"

Me:  "BIG TOM, DAN... BIG TOM'S REDEMPTION CENTER.  RIGHT THERE... THAT BIG WHITE CHURCH.  BIG TOM'S REDEMPTION CENTER.  Seriously, Dan... pull your head out of your ass!"

Dan:

Me:  *giving him my patented "Are you really that stupid?" look*

Dan:

Me:  "You've lived here how long and you never noticed Big Tom's Redemption Center?  How can you friggin' miss it?  I point it out every time!!"

Dan:  "Did you just say you think that's a church?"

Me:  "Yes.... ?"

Dan:  *too shocked apparently to even laugh*  "Dani?"

Me:  "What?"

Dan:  "That's not a church."

Me:  "So what is it?  A revival group or something?"

Dan:  "Please tell me you're not serious."

Me:  

Dan:  "Don't you see the picture on the sign?"

Me:  "Yeah... it's like a green eye or something.  The eye of God.  I dunno...what is it?"

Dan:  "It's three arrows pointing in a circle."

Me:  "And?"

Dan:  "Dani... IT'S A RECYCLING CENTER.  FOR CANS AND BOTTLES.  WHERE YOU REDEEM THEM FOR CASH."

Me:

Dan:  "HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA!!!  YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A CHURCH?  HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Me:

Dan:  "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A CHURCH!  I HAD NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Me:  "That's stupid.  Why would they call a recycling place a redemption center?  They're just begging for people to think it's a church.  Big Tom is an asshole."

Dan:  "Riiiiiight... BIG TOM is the problem."

Me:  "I hate New York."

P.S.

I'm seriously waiting for someone to gasp, "Oh my GOD!  You mean a REDEMPTION CENTER ISN'T A CHURCH?!" because I can't be the only one who has ever been confused by that....

can I?