What with preparing for the Rapture and all, I haven't bothered to clean my house, do dishes, or pay any bills. I'd be really pissed if I were swept up in the Glory and my last act on earth was to pay Verizon for next month's phone usage, ya know?
Instead, I'm spending the day eating bon-bons and ice cream, as I'm fairly certain there will be no calories or lactose intolerance in Heaven.
Because naturally, that's where I'll be going.
I've been busting out the good deeds this week in preparation:
1. I called my mother. No really, I did. (Okay, I lied. She called me. But I answered the phone.)
2.
Okay, so it's the thought that counts. I thought about doing good deeds. But I was busy not doing laundry, so, you know... I didn't actually have time to commit.
I confessed to my sins and asked forgiveness.
Sort of.
Okay, actually I talked to some old friends and we yucked it up about all the really awful shit we used to do and had ourselves a good laugh at the expense of others, but that's almost the same, right?
I thought about killing my husband but I didn't.
And that, right there? Is my ticket to the other side, yo.
I totally missed that this was Rapture Day. God damn it! I didn't even do anything to prepare. I didn't prepare 5 months ago either. Seems like my lack of preparation is working for me so far. Did people actually quit their jobs and stop paying their bills again this time after that worked out so well for Camping's followers back in May?
ReplyDeletePfft! Figures. My hair appointment is tomorrow so now I'll be spending eternity with this hot-ass mess.
ReplyDeleteIs it too late to get into the Rapture? Because I totally forgot about it, too, and everyone I know is still around...or are we ALL what's left? Are you there? Did you go? Can you tell us what it's like if you went?
ReplyDelete*still snickering at "so long sinners"*
Ok, I forgot about the whole rapture mess and it's a good damn thing cuz I've spent about a kajillon dollars on my daughters wedding which is TODAY and I'da been hella pissed if all that tulle had gone to waste. SOMEBODY woulda had some 'splaining to do....
ReplyDeleteDamn! I forgot about the rapture too...wait...maybe it DID happen, and I'm actually in purgatory and NOT in my apartment. Hmmm? Do I still have to clean in purgatory?
ReplyDelete