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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

18 May 2011

Every hero needs a theme song...

While I lurk around and watch every forensic and true crime show I can sink my teeth into (metaphorically), Dan's viewing pleasure is more centered in the Hillbilly Reality genre (when he's not watching men in tight pants play with a ball of some sort).  

If a show contains the word swamp, logging, trucking, or anything involving the capture of deep sea crustaceans, he's THERE, y'all.  

I've tried watching these shows with him but honestly?  I can't keep my mouth shut while I'm doing it.  If an American show featuring Americans that is being shown to an American audience requires subtitles to translate English TO ENGLISH, there's an ISSUE.  

And yeah, I feel the need to comment on that.

Furthermore, as far as I can tell?  The main reason people watch these shows in the first place is because they all seem to have killer theme songs and amazing opening sequences.  

I mean, let's face it:  Without Bon Jovi, no one would have tuned in for Deadliest Catch beyond season one.  

Let's break it down:  Alaskan crab fisherman.  I mean, sure... we loves out King Crag legs with drawn butter but are they worth dying for?  Is it heroics that sends them out to the middle of the Bering Sea to face death and decapitation (it's possible...), not to mention lung cancer because they can't seem to steer a boat without a cigarette dangling out of their mouths?  Or is it, well... their job?  Because that's what they do and it pays well?  And all these "green horns" climbing on board... is it a need to go to sea or the desire for a quick buck and a television appearance that gets them to the docks in December?  

Are they actually any more heroic than anyone else who goes to work simply to earn money?  Because that's kinda what they're doing, yo.  They're not saving lives or building a nation; they're catching crabs.  

(This is usually the point in my diatribe where Dan hits the mute button and stares at me until I shut up.)  

Last night we tuned in for Lobster Wars, which for some reason had bagpipes playing in the background while they were tossing lobster pots and sliding around on the deck of the boat.  

Me:  Where are they, for God's sake?  Scotland?

Dan:  Off the coast of Boston.

Me:  Why do they need subtitles?

Dan:  Because they have really strong Boston accents.

Me:

Me:  It's not like they're speaking another language, for God's sake, they just don't say their Rs.  Do we really need subtitles for what boils down to a slight speech impediment?

Dan:

Me:  What's up with the freaking bagpipes?  I'm expecting the Lord of the Dance to come prancing out at any given moment.

Dan: 

Me:  Why is this on Planet Green?  Like what, depleting the ocean of it's lobsters is helping the environment in some way?

Dan:

Me:  I mean seriously, why are these "wars"?  Because someone is fishing in someone else's "turf"?  (Yes, I hauled out the air quotes.)  What is this, West Side Story Goes to Sea?

Dan:

Me:  GAH!  Enough with the freaking bagpipes!  They're in BOSTON, for Christ's sake!  I feel like they should all be wearing KILTS!  Does that bagpiping make it more, I dunno... DRAMATIC or something?  Jesus!

Dan:  *mute button*  *long, meaningful stare*

Me:  Sorry.

Dan:  Oh, you'll BE sorry, trust me.  Guess what I'm going to do tomorrow night during the finale of Top Model?  

Me:  THERE IS NO MESSING WITH TOP MODEL!

Basically, I've laughed myself stupid during all of his swamp shows (Swamp Loggers, Swamp Brothers, Swamp People, Swamp Men) which I've collectively dubbed "Hillbilly gits a job, y'all".  I've rolled my eyes through Ice Road Truckers, Extreme Truckers, Truckers Gone Wild (I think I made that last one up) and driven him nuts singing "East bound and down..." at the beginning of each and every one.  

(Seriously, until right this minute, as I'm writing it all down?  I had no idea what a pain in the ass I am.  Poor Dan.)  

I've laughed myself sick at Billy the Exterminator.  Really?  Leather and chains to smoke out a possum?  (Though I give him mad props for his hair.)

And I have NO IDEA how these people get a spot on tv, not to mention THEIR OWN SHOW.  What does Discovery channel do, anyway?  Hit up every redneck town in the deep south that preferably is sitting next to or on top of a swamp, find a group of people who have been so far removed from civilization that they basically speak their own language, tell them to do dangerous and stupid shit and they'll pay them for it?  

"Hey, Bubba, y'all dive in that thar swamp that's teamin' with gators, cottonmouths, and leeches and pull out that thar stump and we'll put you on the tee-vee and pay you fer the stump!"  

"Oh, and we'll play some banjo music while yer doin' it so that the bitchy chick from California can snicker and snort and make rude remarks about squealing like a piggy and how pretty yer mouth is."

(Of COURSE I do that.  How is it possible to NOT do that?  Deep south, Deliverance, swamp people... it's a gimme.)

This may possibly be another reason that Dan doesn't watch tv with me.... ya think?