How To Give Your Hubby A Home-Haircut:
1. Look at the hair growing wildly and lushly on his head, that he's been promising to get cut for three weeks but hasn't "had time" or "can't remember" to get done.
2. Get mildly irritated because really? He gets off of work at 4:30 and just had three days off.
3. Also? You remind him EVERY SINGLE DAY when he calls on his break at 3:00 that he needs to get his hair cut before he comes home. (Is it really that difficult to "remember" to get your hair cut? It's on your HEAD, for Christ's own sweet sake!)
4. Offer to cut it for him, because seriously, how hard can it be?
5. Set a chair up in the kitchen, grab the clippers and a sheet, and order him to sit down.
6. Wrap him up like a mummy, turn on clippers, and start mowing.
7. Feel a mild sense of shock that he really has THIS MUCH HAIR.
8. Realize, belatedly, that the fan in the livingroom is blowing right at you and billions and trillions and braZILLIONS of eensy, teeny shards, strands, crumbs, bits and pieces of HAIR are floating around your kitchen. (Old joke alert: A White House staff member informed George "Dubya" Bush that "Nine Brazillions died in a tragic accident yesterday." Replied Dubya, "That's HORRIBLE! How many are in a 'Brazillion'?" Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaaa...)
9. Watch the clumps of hair glue themselves to your chest, your arms, your legs, your feet, the chair, the floor, and your husband.
10. Dear God how can someone have this much damn hair??
11. Shoo and yell at your sweet little pug, Maisy, because she got a big ol' slurpy drink and then came over to inspect your handiwork with water drizzling out of her droopy little mouth, creating puddles of wet hair all over the kitchen floor.
12. Hurt her feelings because you spoke harshly to her (instead of with the love and appreciation she is used to), causing her to hang her head and drag her wet muzzle through the puddles of hair on the floor, which will cling to her snout, paws, and chest, which she will then carry to the couch.
13. Find out, once and for all, that the ONE THING your fancy vacuum cleaner (which is designed SPECIFICALLY to deal with pet hair) CAN'T clean up is wet clumps of husband hair that is now attached to every surface in your house.
14. Blame it all on your husband, who couldn't find the dayum time to go to the barber shop.