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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

16 May 2011

This just in...

I have been listening to someone's car alarm go off for the past 15 minutes.  


Fifteen.  


Minutes.


Fifteen minutes.


Fifteen freaking minutes.


For fuck's sweet sake, FIFTEEN MINUTES.


It's a small street in a reasonably unoccupied neighborhood... 


HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOUR CAR ALARM IS GOING OFF...


FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES???!!!  


Oh wait... it stopped.  Thank GOD.  I was THIS CLOSE to hanging my head out the window and screaming for someone, anyone, to hit the friggin' panic button and turn the damn thing off.  


But then... 


IT TOTALLY STARTED UP AGAIN.


Are you KIDDING ME?  


Not only is the alarm going off, every dog in the neighborhood is barking it's ass off, including mine (my dogs, not my ass).  It's 8:30 in the morning, it's Monday... really?  You don't hear that?  


YOU DON'T FREAKING HEAR THAT???


Will you hear the rock I throw through your window with a threatening note attached, requesting that you turn off your alarm right now, right now, RIGHT FREAKING NOW?  


I can not STAND loud, repetitive noise.  Can't stand it.  It drives me batshit crazy and makes me want to hurt someone.  


Me:  *hanging head out the screenless window on the second floor of my apartment*  Ummm... hello, Norwood?  YOUR CAR ALARM IS GOING OFF!  YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT!!!


Every dog on the block:  BARK!  BARK!  BARK!  BARK!   


Car alarm:  BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP...


Me:  *becoming increasingly homicidal*  OH MY GOD TURN IT OFF!!


Every dog on the block:  BARK!  BARK!  BARK!  BARK!


Car alarm:  BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP...


Me:  *slamming window shut and throwing private hissy fit*


Car alarm:  BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP...


Me:  *opening window back up*  FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF JESUS TURN IT OFFFFFFFFF!!  


Below me, the apartment door opens and the boot-clad military footsteps of Mr. Awesome (my downstairs neighbor, Marine Corps recruiter, who is named thusly because of the giant sticker on the back of his truck that says Team Mr. Awesome) pounds down the stairs.  The outer door is opened and slammed shut, and as I hang out the window, I watch him march across the driveway to his truck, which I now notice is blinking and flashing and emitting loud beeps.  
He deliberately does not look up at my wild and annoyed face, with remnants of yesterday's mascara giving me crazy eyes (I swear it's the mascara), my hair standing on end from a nighttime of tossing and turning and apparently hanging from a ceiling fan at some point (judging by the interesting way it's twisted and sticking out on one side), as he presses the panic button and turns off the alarm.  


Even though I'm incredibly embarrassed and still somewhat irritated, I can't stop watching.  It's like a train wreck... Mr. Awesome climbing into his truck, face red from... anger?  Embarrassment?  Urge to kill the bitchy upstairs harpy from California?  


I casually pull my head out of the window (and my ass) and close it. Mr. Awesome starts his truck and drives away.  


I saunter into the kitchen, pour myself a cup of coffee, and ponder my behavior.


I never thought I would be THAT PERSON, the one who yells and screams at perfect strangers through their apartment window.  Usually, I am ridiculously polite to all and sundry... Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, telemarketers, smelly people in line at the grocery store who want to tell me their life story, the weirdos who hang their heads into the window of my car and ask me for spare change...  I smile and listen and hand over fistfuls of quarters and always put my shopping cart away and thank the missionaries for killing countless trees so they can give me their pamphlets that I will never read...


A ripple of fear charges through my body and it occurs to me that...


I think I'm becoming...


a...


NEW YORKER!!!  *cue slasher music*


When I start honking my horn at everyone who annoys me in the slightest way when I'm driving anywhere, it will be official... at which point I will move back to California.


ACK.