The Legend of King Procrastinator

Yesterday, at 2:30 p.m.:


Me:  Honey, can you run to the store and pick up a few things for dinner?


Dan:  Sure... I'll do it when the game is over. 


(I never ask what game... there's ALWAYS a game.)


Me:  About how long?  I want to make cold chicken salad for dinner.


Dan:  About 15 minutes.


Me:  Okay, cool.  


(Yes, I really do say things like, 'Okay, cool.'  Embarrassing, right?)




3:00 p.m,


Me:  Hey, Dan?  Are you going to run to the store for me?


Dan:  Yep.  Games almost over.


Me:  Okay.  But I'm going to need to start cooking the chicken like REAL SOON if it's going to be chilled enough by dinner time.


Dan:  Yeah yeah yeah.


(That's New York Speak for "I'm totally not paying attention to you and am blowing you off but you won't notice because even though my brain is completely disengaged from this conversation, my mouth is answering, thus lulling you into a false sense of having been listened to and agreed with.")


3:15


Me:  Dan, seriously... can you please run to the store?


Dan:  Yeah yeah yeah.


3:30


Me:  Dan, if you want chicken salad for dinner you need to get going NOW.


Dan:  Yep.  Games almost over.


Me:  I thought the game was almost over an hour ago.


Dan:  *silence*


Me:  Wait a minute... is this a different game?


Dan:  *silence*


Me:  Are you freaking kidding me?


Dan:  Yeah yeah yeah.


3:45


Me:  DAN!


Dan:  Okay, okay... 


4:00


Me:  *staring fixedly at Dan, who is staring fixedly at the tv*


Dan:  *never taking his eyes off the game*  Hang on... it's almost over.


4:15


Me:  *going slightly crazy and trying very, very hard to stifle the Urge to Kill*


Dan:  Yeah yeah yeah... I'll go at the end of the inning.


Me:  Okay, but there will be no chicken salad for dinner unless you want to eat at 8:00.


Dan:  Why?


4:30


Dan:  I'm gonna hop in the shower and then I'll get going.


Me:  *eyes bulging, vein popping in my forehead, flames shooting out of my nostrils*


4:50


I go into the bathroom and Dan is standing in front of the mirror, naked, grooming his eyebrows and creating a new look with his goatee.


Me:  Are you freaking kidding me?


Dan:  What?  Don't you like it?


5:00


Dan finally appears, dressed and clean, holding the list I wrote three hours previously.


Dan:  Is this everything we need?


Me:  Well, it's everything we need for TOMORROW'S dinner.  


Dan:  What are we having tonight?


Me:  Peanut butter and jelly.




At least he had the sense not to complain.  Because if he had?  I'm pretty sure I would have killed him.