Night of the Living Insomniac

My lack of sleep is becoming an entity unto itself; the stuff that Urban Legend and Unsolved Mysteries is made of.  There will come a day when a group of innocent campers are huddled around a smoldering fire while one of them holds a flashlight to his face and tells the frightening true tail of the Girl Who Never, Ever Slept, Ever, Not Even By Accident, insuring nightmares and terror amongst the impressionable audience.  


I have taken to staying up, reading or watching tv, until I decide that maybe, just MAYBE, I'm tired enough to doze off.  Maybe.  (This usually happens because I'm bored or hungry.  I don't want to eat at 2 a.m. and there is NOTHING on tv at that time.  Nothing.  True freaking story, y'all.)


I sneak into the bedroom, careful not to disrupt Dan's snoring.  (God forbid.)  I climb into bed, close my eyes, and will my brain to shut up already.  Maisy wedges herself between us, managing to hog ALL of the covers and somehow use her compact 18 lb body to take up my entire half of the bed, and instantly falls asleep.  She is able to time her snoring with Dan's, so that not a second shall pass without a snore being heard.  


Dan:  SNOOOOOOOOORE....*pause*... SNOOOOOOOOOORE...  


Maisy:  *pause*...SNOOOOOOOORE...*pause*.... SNOOOOORE...


Me:  *inhale*  *exhale*  *inhale*  *exhale*  


Dan:  SNOOOOOOOORE...  


Ad infintim.  


I would love nothing more than to blame Dan and the dog for keeping me awake with their charming duet; (in fact, if truth must be told, I may or may not have been known to do exactly that), but alas it wouldn't matter if they were simultaneously humming a lullabye or being as silent as death because the problem is that I just don't sleep.  


Regardless...


The rest of the endless night goes something like this:


Dan:  SNOOOOOOOORE... SNOOOOOOOORE...


Maisy:  SNOOOOOORE... SNOOOOOOOORE...


Me:  *violently kick off the covers are hard as I can then lie there, spent and furious*


Dan:  *SNOOOOOOOORE... SNOOOOOOOORE...*


Me:  *flop over as hard as I can onto my right side, sighing loudly and deeply, uprooting Maisy and <accidentally> kicking Dan really, really hard*


Dan:  *SNOOOOOOOORE... SNOOOOOOOOORE...*


Me:  *spastically thump pillow five or six times then flop down again, causing bed to shake, Javi to startle awake and bark, and Dan to bounce* (no easy fete considering he's 260 lbs of dead weight)


Dan:  *SNOOOOOOOOOORE.... SNOOOOOOOORE...*


Me:  *whack*  STOP SNORING!  YOU'RE KEEPING ME AWAKE!


(Okay, I'm not proud of myself for doing that,  but the snoring is so effing annoying whether it's keeping me awake or not.  Besides, if I'm awake?  He should not be so damn comfortable.  Word.)


(I'm inexplainably pissed off that he's asleep.  Bastard.)


Dan:  *Grunt*  <fart>  *SNOOOOORE... SNOOOORE...*


And so it goes.  I toss and turn and he sleeps and snores.  Crickets chirp, dogs bark, owls hoot, and Dani lies awake.  I entertain myself by elbowing, bumping, and kicking Dan while he remains oblivious, snoring as if he were being paid to do so.  By 4 a.m. I am filled with a homicidal rage which is directed towards all sleeping things... and then finally, FINALLY, I nod off just in time to be jolted awake by the first blast of the alarm.  Dan smacks the snooze button about 15 times and each time I drift back off mere seconds before the alarm goes off again and again....