Things Maury Povich Has Taught Me

Okay, I admit it:  I'm mildly addicted to watching Maury.  It's a terrible thing to have to confess to... I'd almost rather admit to an embarrassing pimple popping problem (Hello, Tyra?  That topic almost made me barf.  I love you real hard but finding out that you like popping zits almost ruined Top Model for me)  or let a reality crew into my house to film me eating Good n Plentys for breakfast and running experiments to see how long I can go without shaving my legs before I look like Bigfoot.  With so many other worthwhile things that I could be doing (Sidebar:  I had a friend for years who said "worth-wild".  It drove me nuts) acknowledging that I spend an hour sitting on my ass listening to DNA and Lie Detector results is shameful.  SHAMEFUL.


Okay, there's more.  I actually record the show so that I can skip through all the screaming (which I can't stand) and just hear the DNA results.  


Since I view all aspects of life as a learning experience, these are the things I've learned from watching Maury (See?  It hasn't been entirely a waste of time...)  


1.  The odds of him NOT being your Baby Daddy increase in proportion to how loudly and obnoxiously you insist that he is.  


2.  On the other hand, if he has a new girlfriend in the audience or at his side screaming back that she is a thousand percent sure that he isn't the Baby Daddy?  He will be.


3.  If you know you've been cheating and lying, going on national tv and taking a lie detector test is an incredibly stupid idea.  On the same note, making out with the "decoy" in the green room is such a rookie move that you have to pay money for being such a moron.  (Dude... do hot blondes EVER approach you for sex, just out of the blue?  EVER?  Because I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and go with NO.)


4.  If you had unprotected sex with more than one guy at the time that you got pregnant, insisting loudly that you didn't while you're having a DNA test is probably not your best plan... Because when it comes back that he is NOT the daddy?  You're going to have some 'splainin' to do.  (And if this is the 5th guy you've tested and the 4 previous guys have NOT been the father, unless you are 100% sure that you didn't sleep with ANYBODY ELSE, you should probably tone it down a little.  Do you BLAME him for being skeptical?  Seriously.)  And beating feet backstage to drop onto the floor and wail about it isn't going to change that fact.  (Also?  If Maury says he will "help you continue on your SEARCH for the baby's father" that means you need to stop screwing so many guys without the benefit of birth control.  Because when we see you back a year later testing 3 other men for your baby that you just had?  We think you might be something of a slut.)


5.  If you've already gotten 4 woman pregnant and are having trouble supporting THOSE babies, it might behoove you to slap on a condom while you're having sex with 4 MORE women.   (Why don't you people know this yet?  It's not a secret that having sex can make you pregnant.)


6.  If your partner drags you to the Maury Show because they "have a secret to tell you"... it's not going to be good.  The secret is wayyyy more likely to be "I've been cheating on you with your best friend" than "Guess what, baby?  We won the lottery!"  Seriously.  What do you honestly think you're going to hear?  


7.  Saying "That ain't my baby... he don't look anything like me!" is ridiculous.  What's even more ridiculous is when the Baby Mama stands up and points out all the features the baby has that "Look just like you!"  It's a BABY.  NOT A CLONE.  If your baby is under 2 years old, odds are it's going to look more like other babies than like YOU.  


8.  If you're 20 and your man is 56, someone is going to object to it.  


9.  The sentence, "I know that baby isn't mine because he has seizures.   My family don't make no seizure babies!" is literally the stupidest sentence ever uttered, ever, by anyone, ever, at any time, EVER.  


10. Last but not least, I really, really, REALLY need a job.  Watching this show kills more brain cells than alcohol.  (Or maybe I should just take up drinking... hmmm.)