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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

18 June 2011

When Death By Butt Injury Will Be My Destiny

(I wrote this blog in 2009 and just happened to re-read it today... and sadly, I haven't progressed much as a person in the past 2 years because I still find this freaking hilarious.)


February 16, 2009


I don't have to work today, so I'm spending the morning sipping my coffee and watching a few episodes of Forensic Files. It's ugly outside and nice inside so I'm feeling blissfully content doing three of my favorite things: snuggling with Maisy, drinking coffee and watching my true crime crap. Basically? It's a perfect morning in Dani Land.

So I got sucked into an episode about a woman who drowned in her toilet.

Yes, you read that correctly: She DROWNED in her TOILET.

And rather than focusing on the tragedy of the situation, my very first thought was, "Oh my God... how embarrassing!" followed by, "That's something that would happen to me."

I mean, granted... the woman is dead. And as it turns out, it was her husband who drowned her in the toilet. That aside, it's freaking funny.

Which is why I know for a fact that I'm destined for Hell. Because I can't get past the fact that she drowned in the toilet. If I read it in the paper, I'd be snorting and guffawing and calling my equally evil friend, Teri, to laugh myself SICK over it (and I know she'd be laughing just as hard, because that's how we roll. We plan on sharing a room in Hell).

I can't take the death of Elvis seriously, either... because the man died on the toilet.

Which is why I'm pretty sure that I am going to die in some humiliating, butt-related way... because I find it so goddamn funny.

You'd think impaling myself in the ass with a steak knife (which was decidedly unfunny and hurt like a red hot BITCH) would cure me of this tendancy to find other people's butt-related tragedies wildly amusing. (And FYI? My evil friend Teri is the one who drove me to the hospital that night and laughed herself into a coma, along with the doctors and nurses, when the cops showed up to ask me if I was sure it was a self-inflicted stab wound... and she also has been repeating the story for the past 10 years to anyone who will listen. Bitch. I don't think it's an accident that shortly after my stabbing incident she sat on a burning stick of incense when she was working at the street fair and continued to sit on it while it burned a hole in her pants AND in her fanny and kept musing aloud that her ass was burning... but never checked to see why. HA.)

Anyway. I watched the entire episode but got so distracted by the toilet drowning and the fact that the investigators and cops that they interviewed never cracked a smile while discussing this case that I have no recollection of how it actually ended, other than that her husband did it.

And of course I had to pause it long enough to make a few phone calls to share the fact that this woman drowned in a toilet.

Genell Plude, wherever you are... I'm sorry for laughing at your misfortunate. But you gotta admit... it's FUNNY, dammit.