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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

17 June 2011

You put your LEFT FOOT IN...

I go through life Doing The Hokey-Pokey, more or less.  Unfortunately, when I put my left foot in, I usually stub my toe or kick something.  It's next to impossible for me to walk across a room without tripping or injuring myself in some way, be it banging my leg against the coffee table, stepping on the one thumb tack that got away when I was hanging something on the poster board, smacking my head when I lean down to pick it up... I'm generally shocked when I manage to stay completely upright. (So is everybody else.  Hi, I'm Dani and I fall down.)  


I'd like to blame it on the fact that I have really small feet, which don't offer much in the way of a balancing platform, but I'm pretty sure that theory won't hold water.  (That dog won't hunt, as Dr. Phil would so eloquently say.)  Since I also generally put said small feet in really inappropriate shoes, I don't get much sympathy for my affliction.  Also?  My husband can be a bit of an ass, so the usual reaction to my frequent falling is pointing and laughing.  He still practically wets himself when he remembers the time I did a walk-run-faceplant combo in a hotel parking lot in Medford, Oregon.  (Did I happen to mention he can be a bit of an ass?  He can't remember to put the toilet seat down, but damned if he doesn't have a crystal clear recollection of the time I fell down and split my pants 6 years ago.)


I've been limping around for three days now because I kicked the baseboard heater so hard on my way into the pantry that I almost severed my pinky toe.  I left little bloody toe prints all over the house in my quest to find a band-aid (which I never found... you'd think I'd have a well-stocked First Aid kit, considering the frequency with which I injure myself.  But that would make too much sense, right?) and eventually wound up wrapping my toe with a paper towel and wearing one sock for two days (it's too hot to put socks on both feet... seriously).  


Meanwhile, since the near loss of my pinky toe caused me much pain and very nearly caused the death of my husband  (Dan:  "Why are you only wearing one sock?"  Me: *for the ten thousandth time*  "BECAUSE I ALMOST SLICED OFF MY TOE!!"  Dan:  ""Oh yeah") I have been paying extreme attention to where I'm going and actually looking at the terrain upon which I'm walking, rather than just plowing across the room (street, sidewalk, grocery store, parking lot) without any thought or concern for who or what might me in front of, next to, or beneath me.  It seems like a good idea, especially since I'm getting old(er) and now, sometimes (every time) when I fall down, I pee a little.  (What's THAT about?  Seriously!)  Yeah, it's not so much the pain and humiliation and the fact that I actually broke my foot twice in one year, it's the little tinkle that happens when I land.  (Priorities, people!!!)


My clumsiness is legendary, as it has been going on for 48 years.  Not only am I clumsy, I'm also ridiculously accident-prone.  If a meteor is going to plummet to earth and land somewhere in New York, I guarantee you it will land on ME.  And I won't notice it as it's falling, I won't pay attention to the huge shadow it's creating or the fact that it's obliterating the sun... I will just toodle on down the road, no doubt taking my dogs for a walk and texting (because I'm all about the multi-tasking) and will wind up like the Wicked Witch of the East, only instead of my feet protruding from beneath a farm house, you'll see my wedge heeled flip-flop covered feet poking out from beneath a meteor.  I will die like I lived, in a full face-plant with a phone in my hand.  


Thinking about my imminent demise makes me a little sad, y'all.


Anyway, what I do know to be absolute FACT is that as soon as my toe stops hurting, I'm going to forget all about the damn baseboard heater in the kitchen next to the pantry and I will continue to smack my pinky toe into it until it's comprised of nothing but scar tissue or it just falls off in defeat.  


Sad but true.