l had errands to run yesterday, so I decided to put on my happy face and get them done early. (The fact that it was a thousand degrees with a gazillion percent humidity may or may not have had something to do with me getting my rear in gear at the buttcrack of dawn. Also, the kickASS thunder storm, which I enjoyed thoroughly but wasn't exactly conducive to sleep, propelled me out of bed a little more quickly than normal. But I digress.)
So first stop? The bank, the bank, the bankety bank. I hate this bank. The tellers are all a hundred years old and have reallyyyyyyyyyy strong nasally New York accents. I'm always suuuuuuper polite and suuuuper friendly (almost obnoxiously so, if I'm being totally truthful) and they do not appreciate it at all. They pucker their lips, glare at the fact that I folded the check (which I always do... hee hee), spend an unnecessarily long amount of time violently trying to get the fold out of the center of the check BUT NEVER ASK ME TO NOT FOLD THE CHECK EVEN THOUGH I DO IT EVERY TIME... passive aggressive much, bitches? while I blather on and on about whatever subject strikes my fancy while they ignore me. They then hand me my receipt and intone, "Here's your receipt, have a nice day..." to which I reply, as perkily and delightfully as I possibly can, "Awesome!!! Thank you!!!" and I skip merrily out the door and back to my car.
Yesterday was different because when I got to my car, one of Norwood's Finest was parked behind me in his slate gray police car. (I'm pretty sure they're messing with me because police cars are not supposed to be slate gray. It reminds me of Oregon, where they're brown. These are not acceptable colors for law enforcement vehicles, people! Work with me, here!!) My first thought was, of course, "Oh shit... they caught me!" because even though I rarely (if ever) break the law, I'm always positive I'm only one step ahead of the fuzz. I've gotten exactly one ticket in my entire life and have never gotten arrested or accused of a crime or even questioned by the law and yet I always feel like I'm on the lam. So when I saw a copper hovering around by the back of my car I got a little sweaty.
Time to dazzle them with brilliance and baffle them with bullshit, y'all. (Words to live by, according to Cosmo, circa 1978. It's been my mantra ever since 8th grade.)
Me: *smiling brightly, thankful I use Crest White Strips* "Hi!"
Cop: *ridiculously tall and handsome... mmmmmm* "Good morning! I was noticing your plates. Are you from California?"
Me: *biting back 700 smart-assed replies* "Yes!" (Because being from California, in and of itself, is a wonderful, wonderful thing.)
Cop: "Yep, we don't see many California plates up here! Are you visiting or did you move here?"
Me: *pondering if the truth or a lie would better serve my purposes* "We just moved here."
Cop: "Well, welcome to the Nawth Country! You need to get your vehicles registered, okay?"
Me: "They are. My plates are in the car."
Cop: "Why haven't you replaced your California plates with your New York plates?"
Me: "Because I don't want to."
Cop: "Well, can't say I blame you but get it done, okay? I don't want to have to give you a ticket."
Me: *gushing* "You're awesome! Thank you!"
Cop: *looking startled* "Uh... ummmm... have a nice day!"
And off I toodled to my next destination, the grocery store.
This was the day, I determined, that I would make that bitter old biddy who works at the Big M like me. (Back off, Sally Fields... this one's MINE.) I gathered my purchases in the itty bitty double-decker shopping cart and made my way to the cashier. Being the only one in line gave me the opportunity to talk her ear off.
Me: "LOVED that thunder storm last night! Oh my God, I mean, it was AWESOME! My dogs weren't super happy about it but I thought it was fabulous!"
Her: *scanning groceries*
Me: "I'm totally not used to electrical storms like that! I mean, once in a while we would get them but not with the thunder and lightning all back to back and on top of eachother and stuff. SO cool."
Her: *scanning my groceries*
Me: "I'm not a giant fan of the heat and humidity but I'm rilllyyyyy looking forward to fall. I'll bet it's sooooo gorgeous and the colors are insane! I know I'm the exception to the rule but I can't wait for the first snow storm!"
Her: "That'll be $57.06."
Me: "Super cool! Here you go!"
Her: *handing me back my change* "Here's your receipt. Have a good day."
Me: "Awesome! Rock on, sunshine!"
Okay, so that didn't work.
I'm going back today because I forgot to buy toilet paper. I'll get her this time.
That bitch is MINE.