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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

12 July 2011

Things My Husband Wishes He Hadn't Said

Because I, not unlike elephants, never forget.  NEVER.  


Last night Dan and I were having one of those random conversations that starts and ends absolutely nowhere.  I made a remark about the fact that he has a short butt-crack (don't ask) which somehow morphed into a conversation about the Grand Canyon.  (Again, don't ask.)  


Anyhoo, one thing led to another, which led to me doing my Chevy Chase at the Grand Canyon in National Lampoon's Family Vacation impersonation (the part where he robs the hotel, runs out to his wife, tells her it's time to go, so she says "Don't you want to look at the Grand Canyon?" So he drapes his arm around her shoulders, does the chicken neck, and hauls ass. BWAAAAAA!) which led to a discussion about whether or not we would walk out on the glass floor that's there now so you feel like you're hovering over a death crater (my response?  "I don't think so, Clark.")  which (inhale)(exhale) led to Dan saying, "I wonder if there's anything bigger than the Grand Canyon?"


Me:  *pause*


Me again:  "Ummmm... Arizona?  BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!"


After I was done laughing myself into a pants-wetting coughing fit, Dan said, (rather huffily, I thought, for someone who had just said the stupidest. thing. EVER) "That's not what I meant."


Yeah... too bad it's what you SAID, though, hmmmm?


Proving once again, that there is, indeed, such a thing as a stupid question.  (Every time someone who obviously doesn't know my husband, has never had children, worked with children, or known a moron says "There's no such thing as a stupid question!" I find myself giving them examples.  I'm all, "Oh yeah?  Wanna bet?" and then I deliver death blow after death blow, leaving them cowering in the dust while proving them wrong over and over again, ensuring that they will never again make such a patently stupid and incorrect statement.  You may now picture me in a unitard standing on top of a mountain with my cape blowing in the breeze, for I stand for truth, justice, and the American Way.  Meaning, of course, that given the opportunity, I will prove your ass wrong.)


Anyway, trust me when I say that from this day forward, every single time a reference is made about something being big, I will reply with, "But it's not as big as the Grand Canyon, right, Dan?"


Other Danisms that I have never allowed him to forget:


The first time he said he loved me:


"Don't quote me on this, baby, but I think I love you."


His marriage proposal:


"What with the tax laws changing, we should probably get married or something."


While whispering sweet nothings in my ear:


"Remember, baby, there is no "u" in "us."


At Toreros, after the waiter asked him if he wanted corn or flour tortillas with his fajitas:


*Holding out his empty soda glass*  "Yes, please... diet."






(My response, to each and every one of these statements, went something like this:  "BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  *wheeze wheeze* BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!")


Ah, Dan... How do I love thee?  (Or, more importantly, why do you put up with me?)