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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

22 July 2011

When Husbands LIE

As many of you know, moving to New York from the beautiful north coast of California was NOT my idea.  It wasn't on my agenda, on my radar, on my bucket list, or even something I occasionally flirted with while very, very drunk.  My ass was firmly planted in California.  I was born there and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to die there, too.


(I know I've said this before but California, Texas, and Alabama have state pride in SPADES.  Have you ever noticed that?  Ponder, ponder... I mean, I GET California and TEXAS being all, "California loooove and don't mess with Texas!"  But ALABAMA?  Yes, I GET that Skynard wrote a really cool song and all, but ya need more than that, yo.)  


Anyway, after all (some) of the drama passed after Dan made his announcement about quitting his job and "moving back home" (at which point I may or may not have pointed out that it was his home, not mine) he made a few statements that I stupidly took as gospel.  (Because really, why would I expect my husband, who was born and raised in northern New York, to know what he was talking about?  DUMB, Dani... DUMB.)


One of these statements was, "You'll love the weather!  Summers are warm but not hot..."


I'm going to stop right there.


I grew up in California's Central Valley, which isn't just hot in the summer, it's Africa Hot.  I know heat, y'all.  I've burned my hands on the steering wheel and my ass on the seat every time I climbed into a car between May and September.  I've swum in pool water that was warmer than the air because it had been so flaming hot for weeks and the water shortage forbade us from adding water to the pool.  I've had blisters on the bottoms of my feet because I was too stupid to wear shoes when running across the smoldering pavement to check the mail, and slept outside on a hammock in the backyard because the house was over 120 degrees and my mother, the AC Nazi, refused to turn on the air conditioner and sleeping outside was a matter of life or death.  (I firmly believe that statement to be true.  I think my mother was trying to kill us.)  


In other words, "hot" is not a foreign concept to me.


What is a foreign concept to me is "hot" that comes with a steam bath.  


The heat here is like being slapped in the face with a hot, wet towel.  I've never been much of a sweater (person who sweats, not garment with long sleeves that one wears to keep warm) but I'm so damp and moist (which is just as gross as it sounds) all the time that it takes me 20 minutes every morning just to put on my bra and panties because I have to spend so much time unsticking them from my legs and back just to pull them up, around, and hook.  


(Guess what Dan and I haven't been doing much of lately?  Dan:  "Mmmmmm baby... *snuggle snuggle*"  Me:  "If you can do this without touching me, fine.  But you need to be at least 12 inches away from me because the steam and heat from your body is making me sweat.  Actually, I'd prefer it if you were in another room entirely.  You're too hot.  Get away from me.")


I've been questioning Dan about how this "isn't too hot."  His response?  


Dan:   *apparently suffering from amnesia*  "It was never like this before."


Me:  *not buying it*


Dan: *protesting too much*  "I'm serious!  It's never been this hot and humid before!"


Me: *squinty eyed and pissed that he dragged me from California to the armpit of hell*


Dan:  *back-pedaling and changing his story* "At the most, we had this weather for maybe a week or two in August and the rest of the time it's 75-80 with no humidity."


Me:  *not convinced or pretending to be*


Dan:  "I'm serious!"


Me:  *mentally creating little Dan-shaped effigies that I may or may not burn during the waning moon*


Dan:  *thinking that if he says it often and sincerely enough I'll believe him* "Dani, I swear to GOD it wasn't like this when I moved to California."


Me:  *charting the moon phases and buying matches*


Keep talkin', dude... because according to the 10 day forecast, this heat isn't going anywhere.  And Dan accidentally let it slip that it's gonna stay this way through August.  When questioned as to how he would know that, since it's never been like this before, he seemed to be at a loss for words.


Sizzle.