Bad hair days

*Referring to my friend and former stylist as "my bitch" is totally meant as a joke.  Just in case she reads this.  *cough*


Due to circumstances beyond my control (Dan), I am smack-dab in the middle of Hair Limbo.  I've been spoiled beyond measure by having the World's Best Hair Stylist at my fingertips (nay, beck and call... hell, she was practically my bitch) for about 6 years now and suddenly, without any warning (well, without much warning, anyway), I am stranded in the hell that is northern New York with...


 BAD HAIR.


<cue slasher film music>


I remember years ago when Shea was a baby, I met a woman who had like 17 kids (NOT Michelle Bob Duggar, but similar) and home-schooled alllll of them. (She was one of those people who liked to talk about her past as a druggy and a whore before Being Saved by The  Grace of God, Sweet Jesus.)  One day, after she had been saved and turned into a brood mare, her husband had an epiphany (a phone call from God, I think... this was before texting and email) and decided that his really good job as a correctional officer wasn't what The Lord wanted him to do (I know, I know... imagine being me and having to actually be a part of this conversation) so they were packing up their litter and moving to some podunk town in the Bible Belt to help Spread The Word.  (More power to them, am I right?)  ANYway, I remember her saying, and I quote:  "First thing we're going to do when we get there is find a home and a church, not necessarily in that order."  


I remember thinking, "Seriously?  What a moron..." but smiling and nodding just the same, as if she were making perfect sense and uprooting your kids and your family and heading off to find Jesus in the Deep South with no job and no money was something I did at least twice a day, and my first priority was ALWAYS "find a church."  ALWAYS.


But getting back to reality here, what was she thinking???  My priorities are slightly different, as I'm sure most people's would be (please tell me I'm right):


1.  Find a JOB!


2.  Find a HOUSE!!


3.  FIND A HAIR DRESSER THAT KNOWS HER SHIT!!!


(A house and a church... PLEASE!!)


So here I am, after 4 months in New York, with a house and a job (well, an apartment and a husband who has a job) and I still haven't found a hair dresser.  Let's take a look at the ramifications of this:


1.  I went totally apeshit crazy about two months ago and shaved my own head with Dan's clippers and a #8 clipper guard.  Desperate times call for desperate measures... it was a thousand degrees with a million percent humidity and we didn't have an AC yet, and also?  I was totally high on Ambien.


2.  Did I mention that I went apeshit crazy and shaved my own head?  Because I did.


3.  After I went apeshit crazy and shaved my own head, I was forced to deal with the fact that hair doesn't grow back overnight.  Imagine my chagrin when I realized that after I woke up in the morning and came to my senses.


4.  It's too freaking hot to wear a hat in New York during the summer, no matter how horrible your hair looks, so you'd better get creative with product and act like you OWN that look because honey?  You're stuck with it for at least a few months.


5.  It's much harder to rock a buzz cut than you may think when you're a plump 48 year old woman.   True story.


6.  I rocked it anyway, but damn... I worked it so hard I should have been paid, know what I mean?


7.  There is no pay for working bad hair.


8.  Growing out a buzz cut sucks serious ass.


9.  You reallyyyy need a fabulous hair stylist to assist in your buzz cut out growth otherwise, you just look stupid.


10. I'm real busy trying to rock "looking stupid."


I've seen one or two people here with hair that I wouldn't kick out of bed for eating crackers, but they are few and far between.  The best hair I've seen so far was on a woman at the Big M.  Her hair was so fabulous that I asked her where she got it done.  She said, "Boston... I'm just visiting here."


SHIT.


Meanwhile, I kind of look like a chubby monkey on Planet of the Apes.  My hair is all weird and Simian-looking, with a possible faux mullet in my near future because the back is growing more quickly than the top and bangs.  (What is UP with that??)  I'm afraid to try and fix it myself because odds are, I would get carried away and wind up with another buzz cut.  I asked Dan the other day if he would trim up the back of my hair for me and he said, "Not on your life."


Like he could do any worse than I did?


There is one salon in town, and I've seen the results of her work.  Either everyone goes in and asks for the same out-dated look or else she sucks, but either way, I'm not desperate enough yet to hit her up for a trim.

I'm thinking I see a hat in my future for a very, very long time. 


Sigh.