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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

06 August 2011

Dear Amazon.com,

Despite the fact that I download from your site an average of three books a week, you seem to have gotten me mixed up with a different Danielle, one who is apparently less shallow than I and prefers filling her time with deep, meaningful stories and epic tales of heroism and good deeds.


I, on the other hand, prefer to read crap.  How could you not have noticed?  


In the past two weeks alone, these are the books that I have downloaded and read:


1.  It Looked Different On The Model, by Laurie Notaro


2.  We Thought You Would Be Prettier, by Laurie Notaro


3.  Autobiography of a Fat Bride, by Laurie Notaro


4.  The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee, by Sarah Silverman


5.  Beauty Queens, by Libba Bray


6.  Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death, by Laurie Notaro


Which title, in this list, would lead you to believe that I would be interested in a book called "Jesus Is My Gardner"?


When I clicked onto my Kindle Store this morning and checked the list of books you recommended for me, I was a little stunned.  Usually, I see titles such as "Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me", "You Don't Sweat Much For a Fat Girl," "Chocolate And Vicodin"... but today, apparently you decided that my reading material isn't up to snuff and took it upon yourself to recommend the following:


1.  Please Look After Mom, by Kyung-sook Shin


2.  AWOL on the Appalachian Trail, by David Miller


3.  Jesus is my Gardner, by Wade Graham (really, Amazon?  REALLY?)


4.  Robocopalypse: A Novel, by Daniel H. Wilson


5.  Lost in Shangri-La, A True Story of Survival, by Mitchell Zuckoff


6.  Adrenaline, by Jeff Abbott


Let's discuss this, Amazon.  In the past 10 years that I have been  purchasing 99% of my reading material from your site, have I EVER ordered ANYTHING that has led you to believe that I read to learn or think or expand my mind?  ANYTHING?  ANYTHING AT ALL?  Because I'm almost positive that I haven't.  Not even by accident.  


For ten years I have been buying true crime novels, blood and fluff type serial mysteries, and memoirs written by bitter fat girls and celebrity suck hounds who whore around Hollywood just to get their names in the paper.  The only time I have veered from the norm was a few weeks ago when I ordered some Angry Birds items for a 5 year old boy's birthday and you still haven't shipped them out.


I feel like you're judging me, Amazon.  I feel like you've taken off your rose colored glasses and are disappointed with what you see.  Maybe you had hopes for me, a vision that one day I would wake up, see the light, and start trying to beautify and expand my dark, dusty, crap-filled mind by reading books that contain meaning and purpose.  Maybe you think you're doing me a favor.  Maybe you thought I would look at those titles you've chosen for me and I'd think, "Thank you, Amazon!  I now see the error of my bitter and shallow ways!  I will read of your beautiful books and learn of lives more worthwhile than mine!"


Here's the unvarnished truth:  I don't read to learn, or even to think.  I read to entertain and amuse myself.  (I have no explanation as to why I also read about horrific murderers and serial killers, so I'm going to leave that subject alone.)  


If I want to learn something, I'll google.  Sad but true.  


Now, put your suggestions of pointless, silly, shallow memoirs back on my list of recommendations and we will pretend this never happened.


Love,


Dani