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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

01 August 2011

It shocked me, too.

It seems that I prefer generic fat free popcorn.  I know, right?  I've been faithfully eating Orville Redenbacher's 94% fat free butter flavored popcorn for YEARS.  I'm talking a bag a day, at least.  Sometimes, it's all I eat.  Seriously.  Major addiction, people.  


I was all snobby about it, too.  Jolly, Pop Secret, Act II, or even Newman's Own would go on sale or be slightly less expensive and I would say, in my oh-so-snotty California way (yes, I hear it, too... trust me, it's not a secret that I can sound like a bitch), "Like, I don't think so.  I only do Orville."


When I would be down to my last bag, panic would ensue and I would send Dan out in the dark of night, in the pouring rain, in the wind, sleet and fog, to buy me a box for the next day.  I was pretty sure that if I had a popcorn craving and had run out, I would die.  Like, die.  Seriously.  I.  Would.  Die.  It would be like running out of coffee, or Diet Pepsi, or toilet paper.  The earth would tilt on it's axis and life as we knew it would cease to exist.  It would be the Apocalypse.  


And Dan, being Dan, would go off into the night to do my bidding.  (He loves me that much, y'all.  When we first got together he said, "I promise I will always go out and get you a Diet Pepsi when you want one."  That's true love, right there.)


And he would come home with the green box that says Smart Pop.  


And he would look all proud of himself as he handed it over with a kiss and would say, "Nothing's too good for my baby!"


And I would squeal with delight and open the bag...


And 99% of the damn time he would have brought home Kettle Korn flavor.  


Kettle Korn.


NO.


Seriously, it would make me want to cry.  


Lately, however, since we're POOR, I've been trying to cut corners and follow the advice of my mother-in-law, who is the cheapest woman alive.  She managed to feed four kids, who all ate like Dan, on a shoe-string budget and they never, NEVER went hungry.  (I am not being sarcastic here, just for clarification.  My mother-in-law is an amazing woman and I hold her in the highest esteem.)  Most of Dan's childhood stories revolve around food and what meals he enjoyed the most and I never cease to be amazed that his mother was able to put that much food on the table without becoming homeless.  


While I was at her house one day I decided to browse through her pantry and even though there was enough food in there to stock a small market, not one single item was of a brand that I recognized.  Not one.  


And no one was complaining while they ate it.


Hmmmm.


(Backstory:  I was raised by the anti-generic shopper.  My mother only buys name brand, would impale herself on a cross and drown herself in holy water before she'd buy store brand, never clipped a coupon, and I'm pretty sure she cries every time she has to go to Walmart.  We weren't rich, just snooty.)


So one day, as I was cruising through the Big M, I noticed that the store brand light popcorn was literally 1/3 the price of Orville R.  I had a certain amount of money with me and was trying to fit everything I needed/wanted into this eensy-teensy tiny budget and quite frankly, spending over $4 on popcorn was dumb.  Even I knew it was dumb.  So I grabbed the cheap box of popcorn and felt pious and almost Mother Theresa-ish for my extreme sacrifice in buying generic popcorn.


(I'm ready for Saint-hood, y'all.)


When I popped my first bag, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to like it.


I was wrong.


I quit buying Orville and just by habit would grab the box of Best Value and be quite happy about it.


So Saturday, I sent Dan to the store for some necessities of life, including popcorn, and forgot to tell him that I've cheapened it down and no longer get the good stuff.  He came home with *gasp* the butter flavored 94% fat free Orville popcorn and I thought, "Yay!  It'll be a treat!"


Poppety-poppety-pop-pop-pop....


Yeah.  I didn't like it nearly as much.  It was bland, stale, eh.  Sure, the kernels were gianormous but they didn't have the same happy crunch of the cheap stuff.  I actually got bored with it and didn't finish my bowl.  


Today, I'm going back to Big M to get my ghetto popcorn and will leave the Orville in the pantry for guests and emergencies.  


Who knew I had such plebeian tastes?  Next on my agenda:  Generic Crystal Lite.  I'll let you know how it goes.