Dan is one of those rare and wonderful people who can snore his ass off all night and then in the morning, claim he "Didn't sleep for shit." (His words, not mine. Seriously. That is one of the top 9,000 things he says that drives me so freaking far up a wall that every time he says it I can feel my eyes rolling far, far, farrrrrr back into my head and I need to suppress the URGE TO KILL.)
(Totally unrelated footnote: I read the book Girls in White Dresses by Jennifer Close yesterday. One of her characters asks another character if she "hates her husband sometimes." The other girl says, "I don't hate him, but he sure bugs the shit out of me." Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahaaa!)
The second Dan's head hits the pillow, he commences drooling and snoring. Drooling. Snoring. DROOLING AND SNORING. Since it takes me DAYS to fall asleep, I don't miss a second of the charming symphony and water show that is happening on his side of the bed. (He's not allowed to use my pillow. Ever.)
He is forbidden to face me in his sleep (my rule, not his) because he sleeps with his mouth open and it's akin to lying mere inches away from a large cave where sea lions hang out to fight and mate throughout the night. Between the sounds and the smells wafting off of and out of him, I feel like the little fish in the bucket that's being tossed his way every time he opens his mouth.
Unfortunately, as it IS my rule and not his, he does it anyway.
He gets wounded and offended if I (when I) reach the breaking point and threaten him with bodily harm if I so much as feel his breath on the back of my neck.
Dan: *all puppy-eyed and pitiful* "But I want to spooooon youuuuuuuu..."
Me: *relentless and bitchy* "You will spoon me for exactly .05 seconds because that's how long it takes you to fall asleep. And immediately after that, you will start snoring and drooling!!"
Dan: *blinking back tears of pain because I'm so mean* "I like falling asleep with you in my arms."
Me: *head spinning and pea soup flying out of my mouth* "Suck it up, you big girl, and face the other direction."
Dan: *sad and pathetic*
Me: *caving because I'm a wimp*
Dan: *smiling and spooning for .05 seconds*
Me: *nudge nudge* "Dan... roll over. You're snoring."
Dan: *hooooooonk-suuuuuuuuuuuuure* *hoooooooonk-suuuuuuuure*
Me: *NUDGE NUDGE* "DAN! ROLL OVER! YOU'RE SNORING!"
Me: *whack* *nudge* *kick* "DAN! ROLL OVER!"
Dan: *snort* "Huh? Oh. Sorry." *hooooonk-suuuuuuuuure*
All. Night. Long.
When the alarm goes off and we get up in the morning, I always say the same thing:
Me: "How did you sleep last night?"
Dan: "Eh... not good. I didn't sleep for shit."
Wish I couldn't "sleep for shit."