There I was, happily enjoying my Dan-Free day (complete with popcorn and Diet Pepsi), when I inadvertently stumbled across what appears to be the All Dr. Phil, All The Time channel.
<insert sound of brakes squealing>
Who knew such a thing existed?
Who would care if they did know?
(Ummm... Not me?)
Who watches this stuff, anyway?
(The same people who watch Maury, that's who.)
I scoffed and rolled my eyes and decided to see, just for a moment, what the show was about. (Not that I cared. Or was interested.)
Then I stayed tune for the next show. (They just kind of over-lapped. I didn't actually notice that it was a new topic with different people.)
Then I got stuck in a Dr. Phil Loop and couldn't get off.
So I scanned ahead and scheduled all shows to record because, as it turns out? I'm the person who watches this stuff. Dear God, I'm the person who cares that it exists. I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NOT ONLY WATCHES MAURY, BUT ACTUALLY RECORDS IT SO THAT I DON'T MISS A SINGLE SECOND OF THE IDIOTIC DIALOG.
<INSERT GIANT REALITY CHECK>
I seriously couldn't look away. It's not like I actually pay attention to the topics or the advice that is given, I'm more a fan of the train-wreck aspect of it all. I'm like a closet rubber-necker... one of those people who drives past a horrific accident with all the appearance of someone who is way too sensitive to look at such horror, and then totally slows down and scopes it out in the rear-view mirror when nobody is looking.
I find this shit fascinating.
Anyway, after five solid hours of Dr. Phil (more or less) I am rife with wisdom and down-home expressions, such as:
"That dog don't hunt."
"It doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has two sides."
"I just didn't come out on a load of turnips..."
"You can put feathers on a dog, but that still don't make him a chicken."
(And now, purely coincidentally, I have the theme song for The Dukes of Hazard stuck in my head. I'm not sure how the two connect, but there ya go.)
(I also have an almost overwhelming desire to insert "All y'all" into a sentence. Not sure how I'm going to work it in, but I'll find a way.)
I also just noticed that Dr. Phil has no ear lobes. None. What does that mean?
I'm becoming obsessed.
Dan is supposed to come home tonight and I'm tempted to call him and tell him not to (out of extreme thoughtfulness and concern for him, of course... "No, baby, go ahead and stay another night with your parents... I know you're tired. I don't want you making that longggg driiiive hoooome after gorging yourself on steak and potatoes. Relax. You work so hard. You deserve it.") because I know for a fact that he will cruelly ridicule me if he sees all the Dr. Phil Shows I have recorded and quite frankly, even though I would defend myself to my dying day, I will know, deep down inside, that he's absolutely right.
Above all else, I can't let that happen.