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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

25 August 2011

Sprechen ze what, now?

Again I say, I either need something to do other than go to the grocery store, or else I need to just not go to the grocery store.  The second I walk through the glass double doors at the Price Chopper, a giant target appears on my forehead ("Bummer of a birthmark, Hal") and suddenly, without warning, shit starts to happen to me.


(If you got the Far Side reference, you totally get a prize.  FYI.)


(Okay, there's a Far Side cartoon of a deer standing in the forest with a giant target on his chest and the other deer says to him, "Bummer of a birthmark, Hal."  I know, right?  Kills me every single time.)


So today, I was meandering around the Price Chopper (that store is such a freaking clusterfuck, I STILL can't figure out where anything is.  Seriously) trying to figure out why the coffee creamer was in a totally different part of the store than the rest of the dairy when an old, old, old man holding a list and looking befuddled said to me, "Sweethawt, if I said hef in hef to you, what would I be lookin fowah?" 


Of course.  OF COURSE.  There are 15 old woman within a 5 foot radius and he asks ME.


And I have no idea what he's saying.


Me:  "Whaaaaat?"


Him:  "If I esked yous fowah hef in hef, what would it be?"


Me:  "Hef in hef?"


Him:  "Hef in hef."


Me:  "Hef in hef?"


Him:  "Hef in hef."


(Seriously... this could have gone on all day.)


Me:  *getting desperate*  "Hef in hef?"


Him:  "Hef.  In.  Hef."


Me:  *dim lightbulb appearing over my head* "Ummmmm... like, half and half?"


Him:  "What was thet, sweethawt?"


(Yeah.  Because I'M hard to understand.)


Me:  "Like, half and half?"


Him:


Me:  *because if someone doesn't speak your language, you need to say it louder... it's the American way*  "LIKE, HALF AND HALF?"


Him:  "Hef in hef?"


Me:  "HALF AND HALF?"


Him:  *looking distrustful but obviously wanting to believe I knew what I meant*  "Now what would that be, sweethawt?"


Me:  *suddenly having the biggest brain fart ever recorded, ever, in the history of the world*  "It's, like, ummmm... Like, super rich, ummmm... Okay, it's like milk?  And, ummmm, you know, cream?"


Him:  


Me:  *waving my hands around like a moron* "Like, half?  You know, milk?  Cream?"


(What the hell was I trying to say???!!!  GAHHHH!  I know this!!!)


Him:


Me:  *frantically flipping through my mental thesaurus trying to find the words that would describe a product that was half milk and half cream*  "Like, in a carton?  Like milk?"


Him:  


Me:  *stupidly*  "Half and half?"


Him:  *patiently*  "You know, dahling, I could spend the rest of my life in this stowah and nevah know what I'm lookin fowah.  I'm gettin old, deah. Would yas mind showin me what youwah tawkin' about?"


("What's that, girl?  Timmy's in the well?")


I led him over to the dairy case and pointed mutely at the carton of half and half.  


Him:  "Ohhhhh... COFFEE CREAMAH!  HEH HEH!  WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?"


After he thanked me he said, "Wheh ah you from, dahlin?"  


"California," I replied.


He shook his head and chuckled, "Well, I guess that explains it, doesn't it, sweethawt!"


(My translation of his statement:  "Well, that explains how brilliantly and dazzlingly you led me to the half and half!  Only someone from California could have so astutely and accurately comprehended what I meant by hef in hef and taken me directly to it.  You are, in every sense of the word, an Ambassador to our small village in the northern part of the state of New York.  You deserve a medal.  And a parade.")


Right?