Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

21 November 2011

California Brain

I have finally figured out what a large part of my problem is: 

I figured it out while I was browsing through the Big M this morning, looking for green salsa.

I have *insert music that signals impending doom*...

California Brain.

Below you will find a scientifically accurate rendition of the Female Brain.  


Upon careful study and consideration, it has been determined that the Female Brain WEST is significantly different from the Female Brain EAST.  (Or North and South.  But those aren't my problems right now.  You all need to figure out your own shit.)

While all the sums of the whole remain the same (ie: Shoes, Shiny things, Diamonds, I Told You So Gland), the gray matter surrounding all of that varies greatly from Coast to Coast.

My Moment of Truth happened when I looked outside this morning and saw that the sun was shining and there was no wind.

"Oh goody!" I said to myself.  "It's a beautiful day!"

I put on jeans, a t-shirt with a long sleeved top underneath, and my supahhhhh cute cowboy boots.  I grabbed my purse and my keys and went bee-bopping on out the door.  

At that precise second I was slapped in the face with a wall of Bitter Cold.

"What the FUCK?" I asked myself.

I started my car, cranked on the heated seats, and watched my breath freeze in mid-air.  I drove to the store, shivering, and noticed that the temperature, according to my dashboard, was 29 degrees.

How is that even possible?

Sunny + No Wind = Warm.

It is written.

I went into the store and was perusing the "ethnic foods" aisle (which consists of refried beans, canned chilis, and some really sad tortillas and "Taco Kits" (an abomination that should be illegal) looking for green salsa, green taco sauce, anything... just be GREEN, dammit... 

And that's when it occurred to me.

I have California Brain.

Certain things are a given:

1.  Green salsa will be found in every grocery store in every town up and down the West Coast.

Esta bueno...

2.  No one buys a freaking "Taco Kit."  We just make tacos, for God's own sweet sake.

3.  If it's sunny out and there's no wind, it is not going to be 29 Goddamned degrees.  

Crescent City, California... Where my heart...and brain... are.

4.  No one needs 46374895575 different varieties of pickled pork products.  No one.

WTF is a "pork tidbit"???

Hog Callin' Time at The Big M...

5.  If you ask someone to pick you up a jar of pickled potatoes, they will not be able to find them, anywhere.  Because they don't exist on the West Coast.  (I'm pretty sure there's a very good reason for that.)

6.  This is a state:

7.  This is a dot on the map:

8.  California winter wear:

9.  New York winter wear:

I don't get it...


  1. I could ship a coupla jars of salsa verde to ya! :D

  2. you're my favorite.
    and i'm pretty sure, I have California brain even though I've always been a resident of Ohio. I'm pretty sure its in my blood.

  3. That makes perfect sense to me. Although, living in Texas, we seem to have a mix that isn't just South or West or East, and I don't think we have any North at all...but that would actually explain a LOT.

    Why, do you think, is the sex initiator gland so far away from the headache generator? That one does NOT make sense to me. Maybe we should get it changed. I wonder who handles that?

    Glad you're feeling better!

  4. It would seem that our MISS DANI has been away from Preschool far too long ... for within the world of children ... sun [wind or not]= warm!!

    Love the photograph of Batery Point Lighthouse.

    Send me a list of 'home-town-goodies' that you would most enjoy ... I'll create a C.A.R.E. Package!!

  5. I totally get it. I lived in Colorado and when it rained there it was COLD. I don't care if it was 105 before, once the rain starts it's cold.

    Rain = Cold

    Then I moved to South Texas, where they talked about energy conservation and help with electric bills in the summer instead of the winter. It was like some weird upside down universe.

    I would look outside and it would be cloudy and misty and my brain would think 'COLD' only it isn't cold. Somehow it's even hotter.

    I still struggle with that some days.

  6. Oh my God, what do you mean there's no salsa verde? And what in the heck are pork tidbits? Because seriously, if whatever is in that jar isn't specifically defined, then no one should eat it.

    Listen, I live in Southern California, which isn't exactly Crescent City (it's so pretty there!), but we do have green salsa, and it doesn't get down to 29 freaking degrees. I gotta extra room if you need a little martini-soaked vacation.

  7. Deb... I need salsa verde!!!

    Jo... I dunno, but I was wondering why there's a section for cleaning toilets. I think it's a misprint. It should read, "Wondering why men can't hit the fucking toilet."

    Marsha... You're wonderful and I love you forever.

    Amy... I felt the same way this summer when the rain was like being slapped in the face by a hot, wet towel. WTF? Rain = cold. It's a freaking commandment, for God's own sweet sake.

    Vesta... I'm pretty sure I'm going to take you up on that. I need to be in the land of martinis, salsa verde, and no effing pork tidbits.

  8. Alison... You are definitely a soul sister, with gold dust and salt water running through your veins!!! I love you more.

  9. Yeahhh, east coast winters suck. And it's just beginning. Really, you should just sleep til April.

  10. Ok, I live in South Dakota, it's pretty backwoods here ok? (I'm not FROM here but I live here) and we have Salsa Verde. And no Godforsaken pickled pork tidbits thingies in our stores. That must be a New Yawk thing. I blame it on it's close proximity to Pennsylvania...

  11. I went through the same thing going from New Mexico to Florida. I searched everywhere for green chile and good tortillas - even at The Chile Factory. When I asked to green chile, the clerk just said, "Well, I think there's something green in this salsa." My mom was kind enough to FedEx me some canned green chile and a large "family size" package of tortillas.

  12. I have lived in South Dakota and Northern Texas for a ratio of 5:13 years, and we have fairly good weather here in Texas. We are at around 3,000 ft elevation and have low moisture so our summer heat is okay. I have no desire to move anywhere, especially back to SoDak. I get to wear shorts, knee length, most of the year, pants Jan-Feb. And its the perfect weather for growing pineapple plants, well, June through August. The rest of the time they are indoors.


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