Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

21 November 2011

California Brain

I have finally figured out what a large part of my problem is: 

I figured it out while I was browsing through the Big M this morning, looking for green salsa.

I have *insert music that signals impending doom*...

California Brain.

Below you will find a scientifically accurate rendition of the Female Brain.  


Upon careful study and consideration, it has been determined that the Female Brain WEST is significantly different from the Female Brain EAST.  (Or North and South.  But those aren't my problems right now.  You all need to figure out your own shit.)

While all the sums of the whole remain the same (ie: Shoes, Shiny things, Diamonds, I Told You So Gland), the gray matter surrounding all of that varies greatly from Coast to Coast.

My Moment of Truth happened when I looked outside this morning and saw that the sun was shining and there was no wind.

"Oh goody!" I said to myself.  "It's a beautiful day!"

I put on jeans, a t-shirt with a long sleeved top underneath, and my supahhhhh cute cowboy boots.  I grabbed my purse and my keys and went bee-bopping on out the door.  

At that precise second I was slapped in the face with a wall of Bitter Cold.

"What the FUCK?" I asked myself.

I started my car, cranked on the heated seats, and watched my breath freeze in mid-air.  I drove to the store, shivering, and noticed that the temperature, according to my dashboard, was 29 degrees.

How is that even possible?

Sunny + No Wind = Warm.

It is written.

I went into the store and was perusing the "ethnic foods" aisle (which consists of refried beans, canned chilis, and some really sad tortillas and "Taco Kits" (an abomination that should be illegal) looking for green salsa, green taco sauce, anything... just be GREEN, dammit... 

And that's when it occurred to me.

I have California Brain.

Certain things are a given:

1.  Green salsa will be found in every grocery store in every town up and down the West Coast.

Esta bueno...

2.  No one buys a freaking "Taco Kit."  We just make tacos, for God's own sweet sake.

3.  If it's sunny out and there's no wind, it is not going to be 29 Goddamned degrees.  

Crescent City, California... Where my heart...and brain... are.

4.  No one needs 46374895575 different varieties of pickled pork products.  No one.

WTF is a "pork tidbit"???

Hog Callin' Time at The Big M...

5.  If you ask someone to pick you up a jar of pickled potatoes, they will not be able to find them, anywhere.  Because they don't exist on the West Coast.  (I'm pretty sure there's a very good reason for that.)

6.  This is a state:

7.  This is a dot on the map:

8.  California winter wear:

9.  New York winter wear:

I don't get it...