Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

06 December 2011

My dirty little secret...

*Author's note:  DON'T JUDGE ME.

Okay, this is really embarrassing.  

Remember how I'm unemployed?  And have been since moving to New York?

And how I don't have any money?

And it sucks?

Keeping all that in mind, I decided to try my hand at...

Dildo Sales.

I signed on to be a Passion Parties consultant.  I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm friendly, I'm personable, I have NO boundaries whatsoever... why not sell dildos to women ages 18 and older?  And while I'm at it, discuss them frankly and openly and do it all while drinking things like Screaming Orgasms and Hot Wet Pussies?"


I could do that.

I could totally do that.

Who the fuck needs to rely on their college education when dildos come in every color?

So I ordered the Passion Parties kit (read:  giant box of dildos), got my business cards printed up (Hey ladies... for a good time call Dani) and sat back and waited for the calls to come rolling in so I could make lots of money in the Sex Toy Industry.

I even made a website, which you can look at here.  (Feel free to order, by the way.  Everyone should get a candy cane vibrator in their Christmas stocking.  EVERYONE.)

That was in May.

It is now December.

I have had a grand total of 8 hits on my website and sold...


I am a failure as a dildo salesman.

(Trust me... nothing says "failure" like no one in the world wanting to purchase your vibrators.)

Sitting in my bedroom, pushed against the wall, gathering dust, creating a conversation piece (Dan:  "What are you going to do about that stuff?"  Me:  "I dunno...") and covered with shoes, purses, sweaters, scarves, and other things I don't feel like hanging up and putting away, is a giant crate filled with unwrapped sex toys, lubes, lotions, and even a sex pillow.  

So I've decided to try a new marketing strategy.  Listen to the video below and then scroll back up and check out my website.  

Otherwise, guess what everyone is getting from me for Christmas?

Merry Christmas, MOM!

Seriously... help me prove my mother right...  Say, "We're soooo disappointed in you..." (Now sigh, like you expected nothing else, and then check out my website and give yourself something special for the holidays.)