Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

25 January 2012

Awkward Moments In Time

When you get to be of my vast age, you spend a lot of time looking back... baaack... baaaaaaaack over your life.  Some people feel a sense of accomplishment, some may feel regret, some may feel blessed over a life well lived.  

I, on the other hand, always feel a vague sense of embarrassment.

I'm pretty sure that in those moments before I die, when one's life is supposed to flash before one's eyes, what I will be treated to is a rapid-fire slide show of myself walking through college campuses with my skirt tucked into the back of my panty hose, of me falling on my face in front of crowds of thousands, of me sitting on a steak knife, ripping my bathing suit bottoms in half, floating on my back in a public pool with my bathing suit top hanging uselessly around my waist, of me walking through a grocery store with a panty liner stuck to my pant leg... 

And lest we forget, the millions upon millions upon millllllionssss of times that I stuck my foot in my mouth and yet managed to continue talking around it.  

Some people learn from their mistakes.

I do not make mistakes.  I just make a giant ass out of myself.  

This may or may not have happened recently:

My landlord stopped by to check out a piece of laminate flooring that decided to spring forth and make a nuisance of itself in my kitchen.  (And by "make a nuisance of itself" I mean that I have tripped over it and stubbed my toe on it literally every single time I go into the kitchen.)  After he was done inspecting the rogue piece of flooring, he asked how I was enjoying living here in this tiny, piece of shit "village" in the "North Country."

Me:  *carrying on at length about everything wrong with this area and possibly including words like "inbred" and "fashion backwards" and "Big M"*

Landlord:  "You don't like the Big M?"

Me:  *carrying on at length about everything wrong with the Big M, beginning with the stupid teensy tiny useless little midget shopping carts, shelf after shelf of pickled pig particles, and ending with the old bitch at the checkout counter*

Landlord:  "My sister and brother in law owns the Big M.  What checker are you talking about?"

Me:  *praying mightily to choke on own tongue and die right then and there*

Oh, how I wish I would learn to think before I speak.

Oh, how I wish I'd never learned to talk.

Oh, how I know with absolute certainty that I will never shop at the Big M again.

Have you ever had a long conversation with a kind, genteel, polite older person and as you're walking away, wondered uneasily if you accidentally and unknowingly dropped the F bomb?

Was it something I said...?

Have you ever posted a status update on your Facebook page, totally blasting one of your in-laws, either past or present, and then remembered belatedly that they were actually on your Friend's list?

And then wondered why they hate you?

In-law.  But you didn't hear it from me.  On Facebook.  In my status updates.

Have you ever gotten totally hammered at your husband's work's Christmas party and discussed loudly, obnoxiously and at length about the office tramp who was whoring around with the manager, only to realize belatedly that you were discussing her with... her?


Have you ever been on a date with a really cute guy that you were trying desperately to impress, and during drinks and chit chat, you  find yourself laughing so hard that a fart slips out?  And you hope to GOD no one heard it...

And then the next day, while he's hanging out at your house, he starts laughing?

And you say, "What's so funny?"

And he says, "For a such a little girl, you can sure rip a good one!"

Ahhh, sweet lips that never tell a lie...

(That totally didn't happen to me, by the way.  It happened to a "friend."  I swear.  NOT. ME.)

Did you know that turtles breathe through their butts?

Have you ever whisper-gossiped with a friend about the extreme hideousness of another friend's outfit, only to find out later that the outfit was borrowed from the previous friend's closet?

Ummm... yeah.  Me neither.

Speaking of Hell...

I'm pretty sure this is the one I'm going to.


  1. Ahhh these are making me cringe. I hate it when you realize you're about to offend someone halfway through a sentence, and you don't know how to save it. "I MEAN YOU'D HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TO -- uh, well, not an idiot I mean plenty of people do that in the certain circumstance...."


    1. Bwaaaahahahahaaaa!!! Not that I've ever done that...


  2. Its good to know that I am not the only one out there that does that. Or like when your company has a picnic with their clients and you and your BFF who you work with get all hammered and start smacking each others asses with the spatulas...then using them to sing (loudly and badly). Or the walk of shame and you drop your underwear out of your pocket and some nice person tries to hand it to you while you run...good times...good times.
    When I die and that slide show starts, I'm gonna pretend to be blind.

    1. I'll sit next to you and wear 3-D glasses. Because I desperately need a close friend in my Special Hell.

  3. Those pictures are unbelievable. I feel like thay had to be posed, right? Because, that girl totally has a penis and that other girl went to a party nekkid!! Serioulsy, they are freaking me out. Ok, moving on . . .

    Like the time when you are talking to a colleague about this bitch of a judge that hated you and was super mean to you when you first started practicing, only to find out later that that judge is the colleague's bestest friend? Yep.

    1. Oh, honey... how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

      I promise I didn't laugh.


  4. Yes ... [sadly]... I too, haave opened my mouth, inserted my foot [up to the elbow] and prayed for a hole to open in the earth ... and eat me up.

  5. oh you had me at "accidentally dropped the F bomb." I have not laughed this hard since, well, ever. Funny stuff. Thanks for making my kids stare at me while I am supposedly "working" on the computer.


    1. Tell them you're practicing your "work laugh."


  6. This was me until I finally got tired of trying to pretend I was better than that. Now I just put on my "WHAT!" face, and people think I'm all "devil may care". THEN I go home and rock gently in the corner while I cry and tell myself that this is why we can't have friends.

    1. Is THAT why I don't have friends??? I've been blaming it on Dan, but I've had my suspicions.

  7. Oh, yes. I have done my fair share of those. In fact, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law think I am the devil right now.

    A while back I was strolling through a shopping center with my girlfriend and stopped in front of a window display to point out how heinously ugly the skirt on the mannequin was. My friend was quite for a moment and then told me she bought the same one a week before. Awesome, no?

    And the tiny dick photo? Disturbing!

  8. Ever heard the quote "I have no regrets. Just mistakes I learned from." Wish that was true!

  9. I've heard it and yeah... I call bullshit.

  10. Oh my god with the thumb/faux cock picture!

    Where or where do you find these disturbing pictures and why can't I stop looking at that picture?!? I didn't even catch what it was the first time when I saw it on my phone and thought I just wasn't getting the joke. Then I saw Vesta's tiny dick comment and decided further investigation was in order. Now I get it and am so oddly fascinated with it. What's wrong with me?

    1. I love that you think the problem is YOURS, even though I'm the sicko that keeps posting this shit.

      Thank you for validating my fascination with tiny cocks.


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