Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

30 January 2012

California Brain Rides Again

Finally... someone made a chart:

My lack of geographical knowledge regarding my country of origin is appalling.  Or at least, it should be, if I actually cared about all those pointless states that come AFTER California.  I have the West Coast down pat:  California (Angels singing), Oregon (tax free shopping), and Washington (birth place of Starbucks).  I can get to Reno and Vegas, which are the only two places worth going to in Nevada (unless you're near Tahoe, in which case Virginia City is a nice change from Reno).  Then there's alllllllll this land in between California and the East Coast, where New Yorkers reside and are under the impression that they're special.  

Is there a Cooter Bug in NY?  I think not.

If I had to look at an unmarked map and pick out any state past Utah and identify it, there's a 50 - 50 chance that I couldn't.  Well, except for Texas and Florida, because they're more than just random squares on a map.

I know, right?

I probably wouldn't even know which one of those little crooked blocks is New York.  

I should be ashamed.

If only I were...

Dan's embarrassed for me, because my California Brain tells me that I don't care, because those places really aren't important.

Because they're not California.

Jesus isn't in the Bible Belt, y'all... he's serving tacos to the chosen people of Cali.

When I say things like that (which I do... sad but true) Dan never knows how to take it.  Part of him really hopes I'm kidding, but the rest of him knows that unfortunately, I'm not.  

We have a lot of conversations that go like this:

Me:  "Which way is Pennsylvania?"

Dan:  "Huh?"

Me:  "Is it before or after Ohio?"





Dan:  "You're not kidding, are you?"



Me:  "Ummmm..."

Then Dan feels compelled to quiz me, just to find out how utterly stupid I actually am.  (I think it makes him feel better about himself.)

Dan:  "Dani, which state borders New York to the East?"

Me:  "I'm not stupid, Dan."

Dan:  "Then prove it:  what is it?"

Me:  "I don't have to tell you.  I know what it is."

Dan:  "Which state is right below New York?"

Me:  "I know which state is below New York, jeez!"

Dan:  "Sooo... what is it?"

Me:  "I'm not telling you."

Dan:  "What three states are in the Tri State area?"

Me:  "Shut up."

I don't need no stinking geography.

And it isn't just me.  

I met my first husband on a blind date.  A friend of mine was married to a Marine, and she told me about one of his friends who was also a Marine, and really tall and really cute.  And when I asked where he was from, this is what she said:

Her:  "Ummm... I dunno, one of those states that begins with an M, I think."

Me:  "Montana?"

Her:  "No, not Montana... I think it's somewhere back east."



Me:  "New Mexico?  No wait, that's an N.  Are you sure it's an M?"

Her:  "I think so... I'd remember it if I heard it."

Me:  *racking my brain for an M state that isn't Montana*

Her:  *racking her brain for an M state that isn't Montana*

Her:  "Oh, wait... I remember it reminded me of a movie star.  Marilyn.  Marilyn Monroe.  Maryland!"

Truest.  Freaking.  Story.  EVER.

The Great State of Marilyn.

For the longest time, when I was little, I thought  Illinois was a city in Chicago.

And I thought Washington D.C. was on an island, which I blame on my piano teacher, because one of the songs he had me play was "Columbia, The Gem of the Ocean."  (Which I honestly thought meant it was a green and lucious island that housed our nation's capital.)

I thought Alaska and Hawaii were right next to eachother, since they both entered the union at approximately the same time.  (Didn't they?  Hmm.  I should probably google.  Okay, they were both admitted in 1959.  See?  I'm not entirely stupid.)  I thought they were two little islands hanging out together somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.  Like, if you were in Alaska, you could just pop onto the ferry and hit the beaches in Maui for a change of pace.

And when someone told me that California was going to break off of the rest of the country and sink into the ocean, my logic was thus:

The rest of the country would actually sink, because it would be heavier.  Ergo, California would stay afloat.  I argued that point quite heatedly with my best friend in third grade, because she was moving to Idaho and for some reason, felt the need to let me know I was doomed.

Long story short, her mom called my mom to let her know that I had convinced her daughter that Idaho was going to be the first state to plummet to the bottom of the ocean when it broke off from California.

You know it, bitches.

Ahhh, Geography... if only I cared.

Here's a map of the state, for your convenience.


  1. I will have you know that I am from the great state of Marilyn. And yes, our boobs are real and spectacular! (Also, does that mean your first hubs was from my state? See, we are practically related and shit).

    Was your geography teacher on crack? Jeez, Dani. You might have a case if you sue your elementary school, cuz damn girl! I'll take the case. We will make millions. Just say all that shit above on the stand. Open and shut. LAWYERED!

    1. Yes, first hubby was from Balt'more. (He is now known, in my tight circle of friends, as the Baltimoron.)

      I'm trying to remember if I ever took geography...

      *theme song from Jeopardy*



      I don't think we have geography in California, because we don't need it.


  2. I was born in Cali but left there before I could develop CaliforniaBrain. Which might explain why I can name most of the states and know approximately where they are....I got me some primo schoolin' in the South.

    1. Yeah, but is Jesus making you tacos? I think not.


    2. Nope, but Bubba Roy fries a mean chicken...

  3. As a native Californian and still residing in California **fist bump** I say your logic and geography are SPOT ON! Really, really, what do the other states do?? (crickets chirping) Do you have snow? Do you have beaches, Do you have farmland, Do you have movie stars, Do you have Gay Pride parades, Do you have Jesus taco's....I think NOT!

  4. Well, I am from Texas, and you know we Texicans believe we are the biggest baddest and bestest out there (And it's a state requirement to own a pick up truck). But I've lived in California for 13 years, my husband is from here, and I love it almost as much as my home state. It's freaking California, how can you NOT love it?

    Everything in the middle is just a bunch of squares to sister moved to Ohio three years ago, I still don't know where it is on the map.

    1. EXACTLY.

      And why SHOULD you know? If you want to visit, you'll take the plane. And I assume the pilot knows which square to land on.

  5. Can't you find just a little bit of love in your heart for New York State? Not that downstate area--that is completely separate!

    1. J'adore the Amish! J'adore the old houses with the little windows on the ground!! Ummmm....


      Okay, that's it. Oh, and j'adore YOU!

    2. Wait! We have Amish here? I thought that was the state below us!

    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. There's a giant Arch in that middle area that looks like a ginormous vagina, and if approached from the correct angle, the federal courts building looks like an almost ginormous penis fucking the Arch. Which O interpret as a metaphor meaning the federal government will fuck anything, and


    Yay California!

    1. I think that should totally go on the map... "Giant Arch being fucked by the Federal Govt."


  7. Hahahah being from the east coast, I remember learning that one day cali was going to break off and ...not being that upset. :P

    1. You would have been soooooo saaaaaad when YOUR east coast ass plummeted to the bottom of the sea...

      Logic. LOGIC.

      And you'd be crushed if I wasn't here to blog with.

      You know it's true.

  8. Is there a test? Because if there's not a test, I don't care which state is where. I was born in California, but I wasn't allowed to stay there. Prolly cuz I'm too cool....or sumpin.
    P.S. Besides fake cowboys and pickup trucks, Texas also has oil and cows and stuff. They left that off the map. Oh, and really big belt buckles. We have lots of those.

    1. CA has oil and cows and stuff, too. And cowboys and rodeos and really big belt buckles.

      Just sayin'...

      And I think you weren't allowed to stay in CA because I was there, too... and that could have been dangerous.


  9. I was an Army brat, born in Virginia. I've lived there, Indiana, Washington, Oregon, Nevada, California, and Wisconsin.

    I spent a little over seven years in California and that was 6 and a half years too many. California (specifically LA/OC/SD) thinks it's the greatest place in the world and that anyone who lives outside their little bubble is a turd licking knuckle dragger. Yet in my many years there, I can honestly say that 95% of the people I interacted with were the dumbest motherfuckers on this planet and they are not long for this world. FUCK THAT PLACE in its EARTHQUAKE TRENCHED ASS.

    And my cheese is better in Wisconsin. Rek'nize.

    1. A. It IS the greatest place on earth.
      B. It's our BIRTHRIGHT to be dumb motherfuckers. Because Jesus loves us the most.
      C. I don't see commercials about happy Wisconsin cows or fabulous Wisconsin dairies...

      D. I don't live in Wisconsin, ergo your point is MOO.

    2. You get points for the "your point is MOO" comment, being that you actually worked it into a conversation about cows.


      Wisconsin cows are fed the spent grains of the beer making process, so our cows, like most of our residents, are constantly rocking a solid buzz. Who's got happy cows now, bitches?

      Also, have you ever driven through the Grapevine? Happy cows don't smell like that. My god...

  10. I was a Marine brat and spent quality time in SD (Oceanside, actually) and lived in suburban LA when I dropped out of high school before peeps made me smarten up. There's nothin' wrong with California brain. Especially as viewed from this end, dahlin'...I agree you have it worse in upstate hell, but I "live" in that "State to your east" and it isn't much better. And props to the cows commentary. I see more cows than people on my morning commute. They don't look happy in VT either. They look cold and kinda dirty.

    1. Two of my sons are stationed at Mirmar right now. I love SD.

      When I drive past the Amish cows hanging out in the snowy fields of upstate NY, I think to myself, "Mooo..."

      True story.

  11. ...But I might challenge Wisconsin about the cheese. Cheese here is f*ing awesome.

    1. Cheese, in and of itself, is effing awesome. My fatty brain (it's residing alongside my California brain) says things like, "Whoever said that nothing tastes as good as thin feels has never eaten cheese."



I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!