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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

12 March 2012

Strange Sex

So last night I got sucked into a Strange Sex marathon.

Which isn't nearly as dirty (or exciting) as it sounds.

(*Sidebar for my children, who I'm pretty sure avoid my blog like the Plague, but just in case they happened to stumble upon this one:  It's okay, you can read this.  Mommy didn't have Strange Sex.  She's still a virgin and you are all three still the products of Divine Intervention and Immaculate Conception.  I promise.)


Don't tell your dad.



Where was I?

Oh yes, Strange Sex.

While Strange Sex can indeed be an activity, in this instance it's a show on some channel that I happened to be watching.  

It all started with an episode of Hoarders.

All through the show, they kept showing previews of Strange Sex.

There's only so many times that you can see titillating previews of couples engaging in bizarre sexual practices before you totally take the bait and decide you have to watch.

Right?

*cough*

First there was the one where the guy had such a severe case of priapism that he had to have his peener amputated.

(Priapism, just to save you the trouble of googling, is when you have an erection that won't go away.  It's a painfully hard topic to discuss...)





Dan left the room screaming shortly after that episode began.

(I, on the other hand, was fascinated.)

There was one about a girl with two vaginas, a couple who had genital piercings galore (I'm kind of dying to post a photo here but I won't), and a man who invented a device to re-grow his foreskin because he determined that circumcision had ruined his sex life.

And then, there was the episode that changed my life:


Feeders.

A morbidly obese woman (we're talking a 600 pounder) was involved in a sexual relationship with what was actually a really good looking man who... get this...

got turned on by feeding her.

This is a real thing, you guys!!!



I have no words.



I knowwwwww, riiiight???!!!

HOW COME I CAN'T FIND GUYS LIKE THAT??

This is the part that totally got me:

Gorgeous hunky boyfriend goes to work and fat girl stays home and works on achieving her goal of weighing 1000 lbs.

THAT'S HER JOB.

EATING IS HER JOB.


She works hard for the money...

Do you know how many times I've said the exact words, "I've been eating like it's my job lately..."???

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I WOULD ROCK AT THAT JOB?

I would be Employee of the Month, every month.  And Fatty Biznitch would have to up her game because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have to work that hard to weigh 1000 lbs.

Truest fucking story ever told, yo.

I'm trying to imagine Dan's reaction if I informed him, "I know you will support me in my decision to quit looking for an actual paying job and just take this time to achieve my goal of weighing 1000 lbs."


I'm pretty sure it would look something like this.



Don't get me wrong, I've never wanted to weigh 600 lbs.  The idea of having to step on a livestock scale to find out how much I weigh is a huge deterrent for me.  There would be no way in freaking hell that I would mingle amongst the prize heifers waiting for my turn on the giant scale.  





No.

Just... no.

(It's along the same lines of why I won't ever commit a heinous crime... the idea of peeing in a stainless steel toilet in the middle of a room keeps me on the right side of the law.  I will never weigh 600 lbs because I refuse to have to go to a feeder lot to get weighed.)

However, I would stand in line with a group of fat girls waiting for a hunk to feed me a cookie.


Fatty wants finger foods..


I went to bed last night blissfully dreaming of gorgeous men encouraging me to eat just one more bite...


Come on, sexy... you can do it...



I'm sexy and I know it...





Take it alllll, bitch...



*Sigh*

Then it got confusing....







Slice Of Chocolate Cake













WTF???!!!




I HATE it when a good dream suddenly goes bad...




23 comments:

  1. I have to go get on the treadmill now. For the rest of the fucking afternoon. Christ Almighty!! What the hell?? I get that everyone has their "Thing" that just does it for them but really?? When you've gotta lift up the fat folds & wash under them with a sponge on a stick, it's gone too far. That's the anti-sexy right there!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't decide how i feel about it. On one hand, I've spent my life waiting to hear someone say, "Eat the cookie, Dani... YOU'RE TOO THIN!"

      On the other hand, needing several people in the shower with me to hold up my fupa while I scrub under it?

      No.

      Delete
    2. You're assuming that at 600+ lbs you could manage standing up AND fitting in the shower. You'd just have several someones scrubbing your fat folds with a soapy sponge and a bucket.

      Oh Hellz NO!!

      Delete
  2. Those man-boobs will be burned on my retinas for all eternity. Damn you. . .

    But I still disabled Captcha for you. 'Cuz I'm all benevolent and shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Imagine if I'd posted the piercing photo... All y'all would be thanking me for those damn man boobs, yo.

      And thankkkk youuuuuu for disabling captcha!! I can't post on your blog all that often because I'm too stoopit to figger out the effin' captcha chit and I give up.
      Because I'm a quitter.

      Delete
    2. OMG YAY! I'm so happy to read that too. I hate CAPTCHA.

      Delete
  3. I was all scrolling down and saying to myself...yummmyy...pie...yummy....hunky man....EEEK (I think I even squeaked at my desk) the moobie man upset the delicate balance.

    Dr. Oz did a whole show on the feeders think and I was fascinated, like totally enraptured that this is a lucrative business.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right??

      The fatty half of my brain is all, "You mean... someone would PAY ME to eat???? Like, it could be my JOB?"

      Delete
  4. Whore, you need to warn a bitch when you're going to post pictures of super-fatties. If I weren't getting a bunch of top shelf whiskey and brazilian rodizio for dinner, I'd never forgive you.

    As it is, I'm probably going to send you nekked pictures of what 30 tasting glasses of top shelf whiskey and all I can eat Brazilian Rodizio are going to do to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. deathbycupcakes1@gmail.com...

      *cough*

      Delete
    2. Don't fall for it, Mandi! She's just baiting you so you can be her next blogging subject. You know how she loves putting fucked up pics on here. Beware!!

      Delete
    3. Shhhhh Mistyyyy.... *soothing hair pet* You know I'd neverrrrr dooooo thattttt...

      Delete
    4. Actually, anytime I send anyone pictures, I more or less count on the fact that they'll end up someone's blog fodder.

      Delete
  5. Yeah, you can pretty much take chocolate cake + showering hottie - manboobs = sweet dreams.

    Is it a bad sign that I'm getting more and more immune to the scarring effects of these fucked up pics you post? Or it that a good thing? Hmmmm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm fascinated by man boobs. I want to know why they = okay to be bounced around in public and on prime time television but female tatas, even those with a baby attached, = not okay for prime time.

      Also?

      I really hate it when men have nicer boobs than I do.

      Also also?

      I want chocolate cake. And a showering hottie.

      Delete
  6. Dear Dani,

    Please stop posting pictures of gross naked men with moobs. Please. For the love of all that is good.

    However, I am totally okay with hot naked men, chocolate cake, and pizza pics. So keep those.

    Thank you,

    Vesta

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Vesta,

      I can't make any promises. But I WILL promise that from now on, all my gross naked men with moobs pics will come with food porn.

      Love,

      Dani

      Delete
  7. Oh man. I've seen ALL these, I'm a totes strange sex addict. Wait, that didn't sound right....anyway, the foreskin one was odd. "I was circumcised against my will!" (as a baby). Kinda cracked me up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I found the part where his daughters were helping him sell his "tuggers" to be beyond awkward.

      There are many things I do not ever want to know about my father, and one of those things is...

      Nope, can't even finish that sentence.

      Did you see the episode of My Strange Addiction where the guy had sex with his car????

      Delete
  8. No, really, I think I would have preferred seeing the genital piercings. These made my eyes just burn, especially the little lovely who couldn't knock the candy wrappers off her shapely thigh before hoeing into that cake.

    I am ruined for desserts forever. Thanks, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good to know... Next time? Genital piercings over fatties.

      //gavel

      Delete
  9. Holy crap. I've seen the Strange Sex shows on the guy that screws his car and the chick that "sleeps" with the Berlin wall, but the fat chick show looks awesome!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must see the Fat Chick show. You must.

      Delete

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