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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

25 April 2012

I Didn't Know I Was...


Lately I've become obsessed with the When Stupid People Get Pregnant line-up on Discovery Health.  

(It goes like this:  "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," "Strange Sex" and  "I'm Pregnant And..."    What?  It's high quality educational programming, people.  Also?  It gives me something to watch while I wait around for "Hoarders" and "Confessions:  Animal Hoarders" to film some new episodes.  Priorities, ya know.)

Then there's also the whole morale-boosting angle.


Some people drink or use drugs.  I point and laugh at stupid people.  Potato, poTAWto.




They always begin the "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" episodes trying to point out how it could be completely plausible for a woman to not know she was moments away from expelling a tiny, living being from her uterus.

She's having unprotected sex, she's gaining weight, she has odd food cravings and some nausea that she inevitably decides is food poisoning but it never occurs to her that she might be pregnant.


That's kind of the part I don't get... even though I'm sure my eggs are so old and dried up that they're powdered, I'm this damn close to menopause, and I had my tubes tied 22 years ago, if my period is eight seconds late, my ass is at the drug store buying a pregnancy test.  If it comes back negative (which is always does), if I don't start within a few days, I take another one.  And even when it's negative, I have every pregnancy symptom under the sun until I either start bleeding or birth a human.


Because that's what normal people do.


What the fuck is wrong with these people??

Pregnant Woman on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant:  "I haven't had my period for nine months, I've only gained weight in my belly, and now I'm having intermittent contractions that are making me double over in agony and feel the need to push!!  I must be constipated... I think I'll go sit on the toilet and try to poop."




Him:  "Baby, you're getting a little chunky..."  Her: "I know... maybe I need to poop."


Because needing to take a 7 to 8 lb poop happens often enough that it wouldn't be a concern, yes?

That must be why sooooooo many babies are born in the toilet, then... Because "taking a shit" and "giving birth" are almost the same thing.




Do I give birth?  Or take a shit?  Decisions, decisions... !!


Which leads me to the part where these women do, indeed, give birth on the toilet.

Because apparently, they've somehow forgotten which part of their body handles which event.

For their convenience and education, I've prepared a diagram:


All together now:  "Va-GIII-naaaa"!!



Your VAGINA, which is placed ABOVE the anus, is where a BABY comes out.

The ANUS, which is slightly beLOW the vagina, is where the POOP comes out.


See?



*Sidebar:  If you happened to catch the episode of "I'm Pregnant And... 55 Years Old" before or after "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant",  that would feature an Old Lady Vagina, not to be confused with the diagram above.


Due to slippage, you could find one of these just about anywhere.  Above, below, inside, next to the anus... You never know.


I suddenly find that there is no graceful way to end this diatribe, so I'm going to leave you with this:


Girlfriend shoulda pooped before appearing on Leno.  Just sayin'.



24 comments:

  1. Wow - I had so much to say and then I saw the last picture and I'm utterly speechless.... except to say she looks REALLY hungry and Leno looks REALLY mortified. That is all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J-Sim is a fried Twinkie and a wedding ring away from appearing on My 600 Lb Life. Trust effing story ever told.

      Delete
    2. Bwahahahahah! RIGHT? I mean, honestly... that ravenous look in her eyes and the sinister smirk.... that's the shit nightmares are made of!

      Delete
  2. When you get to the part of pregnancy where you can see a face pressing through your skin like Freddy in Nightmare on Elm Street, it might be obvious that you are pregnant.

    ... Or you just have to take a massive shit... That ends up being human.

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  3. So that's where those human pieces of shit come from!! Sooo educational, you are.

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  4. I'm completely mystified when I see those people on "I didn't know I was pregnant" ... it just baffles me that someone could be that stupid... then again.. there are people who love the Kardashians.. so I guess there are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mystery... solved!!! Winnah winnah chicken dinnahhh!

      Kardashian Lovers + Live Sperm + fertile= I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

      It's like all the mysteries of the universe just evaporated and we now have all the answers.

      Delete
  5. I wonder how they explain those flutters of the unknown baby moving. Taco gas?

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    Replies
    1. If I ever had gas that rocketed my belly from side to side and made my belly button protrude 3 inches, I'm pretty sure I'd blow a hole in the side of the house once it was expelled.

      Delete
  6. How exactly do they ignore the FEET and ELBOWS and FISTS that poke out of their stomachs and move around like you have an alien inside of you? A tapeworm? A REALLY active poop?

    And wait . . . Dani, are you pregnant???

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    Replies
    1. Why? Did you see a Star in the East and Shepherds watching their flocks by night?? Is there something I should know???

      Delete
  7. I have called "BULLSHIT" on any and ALL "I didn't know I was pregnant" stories. I scream at the television like it's a football game. I'm all "You lying bitch!! How could you NOT know your stupid ass is pregnant and in labor!!"
    I watch the whole episode though. I just have to see where she ends up giving birth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can save you time: She will have the baby in the toilet.

      The end.

      Delete
  8. Soooo, that last pic...Jay looks disgusted. And she looks like she's gonna poop out an entire litter.

    Anyway, the dance team teacher at my high school didn't know she was pregnant until she had the baby. Yup. Grown woman. Influential to her team of high school girls. Good times.

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  9. Pregnancy makes me queasy. Even the word is blah! So needless to say, I don't watch those shows. I do love your vagina diagram though! I especially loved that the anus is shaped like a star. A dirtstar as a male friend calls it.

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. I had my tubes tied 17 years ago and I can't tell you how many times I took a pregnancy test-- and was CERTAIN I was pregnant.

    Fortunately, I don't have to worry anymore, as I yanked that goddamn thing out last summer.

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  12. Why is it that, at the end of every single one of those episodes, the new mother is like, "OMG! Antibiotics cancel out the pill! Who knew?" Stupid bitches.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh and PS. Jessica Simpson is still pregnant? That poor thing should have calved months ago.

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  14. I cannot FATHOM being so out of touch with one's body that growing a person doesn't elicit enough symptoms to warrant investigation! I'm old, I'm fat, I'm on the pill and haven't been doing the horizontal bop--but this post made me nervous enough to go get a stick to pee on RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE!

    ReplyDelete

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