Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

25 April 2012

I Didn't Know I Was...

Lately I've become obsessed with the When Stupid People Get Pregnant line-up on Discovery Health.  

(It goes like this:  "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," "Strange Sex" and  "I'm Pregnant And..."    What?  It's high quality educational programming, people.  Also?  It gives me something to watch while I wait around for "Hoarders" and "Confessions:  Animal Hoarders" to film some new episodes.  Priorities, ya know.)

Then there's also the whole morale-boosting angle.

Some people drink or use drugs.  I point and laugh at stupid people.  Potato, poTAWto.

They always begin the "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" episodes trying to point out how it could be completely plausible for a woman to not know she was moments away from expelling a tiny, living being from her uterus.

She's having unprotected sex, she's gaining weight, she has odd food cravings and some nausea that she inevitably decides is food poisoning but it never occurs to her that she might be pregnant.

That's kind of the part I don't get... even though I'm sure my eggs are so old and dried up that they're powdered, I'm this damn close to menopause, and I had my tubes tied 22 years ago, if my period is eight seconds late, my ass is at the drug store buying a pregnancy test.  If it comes back negative (which is always does), if I don't start within a few days, I take another one.  And even when it's negative, I have every pregnancy symptom under the sun until I either start bleeding or birth a human.

Because that's what normal people do.

What the fuck is wrong with these people??

Pregnant Woman on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant:  "I haven't had my period for nine months, I've only gained weight in my belly, and now I'm having intermittent contractions that are making me double over in agony and feel the need to push!!  I must be constipated... I think I'll go sit on the toilet and try to poop."

Him:  "Baby, you're getting a little chunky..."  Her: "I know... maybe I need to poop."

Because needing to take a 7 to 8 lb poop happens often enough that it wouldn't be a concern, yes?

That must be why sooooooo many babies are born in the toilet, then... Because "taking a shit" and "giving birth" are almost the same thing.

Do I give birth?  Or take a shit?  Decisions, decisions... !!

Which leads me to the part where these women do, indeed, give birth on the toilet.

Because apparently, they've somehow forgotten which part of their body handles which event.

For their convenience and education, I've prepared a diagram:

All together now:  "Va-GIII-naaaa"!!

Your VAGINA, which is placed ABOVE the anus, is where a BABY comes out.

The ANUS, which is slightly beLOW the vagina, is where the POOP comes out.


*Sidebar:  If you happened to catch the episode of "I'm Pregnant And... 55 Years Old" before or after "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant",  that would feature an Old Lady Vagina, not to be confused with the diagram above.

Due to slippage, you could find one of these just about anywhere.  Above, below, inside, next to the anus... You never know.

I suddenly find that there is no graceful way to end this diatribe, so I'm going to leave you with this:

Girlfriend shoulda pooped before appearing on Leno.  Just sayin'.