Vagina Enthusiasts

(Dear Shea, Kacey, and Brennan:  Don't read this.  Love, Mom.)



I recently saw this quite by accident and was immediately intrigued:

It looks like it itches, yes?  No?  Just me, then?

It was accompanied by the following discription:

Wear your Fancy on the outside! This vulva in chocolate-violet-rose flesh tones and fuzzy golden hair is soft, adorable, and anatomically complete. She measures 3.25” from clit hood to perineum, 2” across the widest part of the outer labia. 


This piece is made from the gorgeous hand-dyed wool of a fellow esty vendor backed with a piece of commercial felt for durability. She can be smartly finished with a pin back to wear as shown in the photo, on a barrette for a charming hair ornament, or a with superstrong wafer magnet for household display. Please convo your preference of these three with your order. 


The jewels arrive ready for gifting in a silver stars-and-moons fabric bag inside a bubble mailer. A truly unique one of a kind gift – what a perfect accessory for the discerning vaginal enthusiast!


Please note that the photo shown is intended to serve as a style inspiration, the model is not wearing this exact pussy. Please check out my policies and convo me if you are wondering anything at all. Thanks for taking a look!

Wait... what?  

There are a few things about this paragraph that make me want to know more.

For example:

"She can be smartly finished with a pin back to wear as shown in the photo, or on a barrette for a charming hair ornament, or with a superstrong wafer magnet for household display."

Because everyone wants to wear a vagina in their hair, yes?

Or as a lovely conversation piece pinned to their lapel, perhaps at a job interview or a funeral?

Next, "A truly unique one of a kind gift (no argument there...) -- what a perfect accessory for the discerning vaginal enthusiast!"  

Vaginal enthusiast?

Personally, I'm partial to my own vagina, but I wouldn't say I'm "enthusiastic" about it.  Sometimes it's actually quite a pain, to be honest.  I've never had Penis Envy, because let's face it, they're silly looking, always in the way, and just kind of annoying, and I'm rather glad that my girly bits are nicely tucked away, to be accessed only when needed, but again... I don't feel rampant enthusiasm when thinking about it.

And I definitely don't want to pin it to my sweater or wear it in my hair, or for that matter, attach a magnet to it and hang it on my fridge.  I'm good with it where it is, thank you very much.

(*Sidebar:  I'm also quite relieved that mine isn't that fuzzy.)

So this got me thinking...

Who are these Vagina Enthusiasts?  In my head, they're all 15 year old boys... but the odds of a 15 year old boy purchasing a felt va-jay on Etsy are slim to none, so I'm assuming there are others...

So I went on a quest.

A quest for Enthusiasts of the Vagina Variety.

Enthusiasm at it's finest.

Number 1:  I wish MY vagina was that frilly, and had feet, and could talk.  It would save me a lot of time and irritation during sex.  It would be all, "Okay, yeah... right there.  NO, NOT THERE... A quarter inch to the left... okay, stop.   Now go.  Stop.  Go.  Okay, I'm done.  Go away."

Or when we're driving some where and I need to pee but SOMEONE who has a bladder like a tank keeps saying, "Can't you hold it to the next rest stop?  It's only 200 miles away..." my vagina could say, "It's like this:  Stop now or I'm going to pee all over your awesome blue truck, mmmkay?  And then I'm going on strike."


Or best of all, during those seven fabulous days a month known as Shark Week, I could walk around while my crotch announces, "You won't like me when I'm angry..."


Number 2:  See what I mean about the ridiculousness of the penis?  It's like the tall, dorky, red-headed, big-nosed, long-legged, big-footed, gap-toothed, pimpled-faced dork with a bad hair cut that got shoved in the locker all through high school and pantsed in gym class.


Moving right along...

Vagina Cupcake, anyone?

Being a True Fatty, I want the one with the most frosting.

This kind of makes me want to go out and buy several boxes of pubic hair dye, to make my vagina sparkle and shine and match my mood.  (Is it just me, or does the multi-colored one on the far left in the second row from the bottom remind you of something that should be on a Muppet???)

Then I saw this:

Yeahhhhhh...

No.

I'm not eating chocolate that was poured and hardened on ANYONE'S pussy, up to and including my own.

If I saw a little tiny hair in a piece of vagina chocolate, I would die.  Like, for real.

Which leads me to...

Vagina Chocolate.

Just in time for Easter!!


And of course, we can't forget the Fine Art of Vajazzling!!!

Make a statement with your vagina!! 

Why would you want a cobweb with a spider crawling out of it next to your vagina?  Dust that sucker off, for God's sake.

Okay, yeah... I'm getting distracted.  I've been off looking for Vagina Enthusiasts and I got completely drawn in by Things To Do With Vaginas.

I had no idea the possibilities were so endless.


Meanwhile, let me leave you with this:

I'm pretty sure he's a Vagina Enthusiast.  Now we know.