Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

25 May 2012

Bathing suit shopping

Okay, I'm finally ready to talk about it.

*deep breathing exercises*

Inhale... Exhale.... Inner peace....
Okay, fine... it actually looks more like this:


So here's the scoop:

I had to go bathing suit shopping a few days ago.

Why, you ask?  

Because my bathing suit from last year doesn't fit me.

*long pause*  

I knowwwww, right????

What the fuck, even?  It's made out of stretchy stuff.  It's supposed to fit, like, forever.  

It's a goddamn rule.

It's a tankini, for Fuck's own sweet sake... How do you outgrow a tankini???

Here's how (in case you were wondering):

You get so damn fat that the bottoms squish your belly UPwards, creating a muffin top so large that the rings of Saturn migrate to earth to encircle you.

Then your boobs grow to such mammoth proportions that the tank portion of the ensemble resembles two pigs fighting their way out of a gunny sack.

It still fits.... right?  Plus my tan makes me look thin!

There was nothing left to do besides face the dreaded Fat Girl section in Walmart and buy a new suit.

Dear Walmart,

Just because I'm a tad on the "plump" side doesn't mean that I have Jungle Fever.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.




Nor do I wish to resemble a fat giraffe.

Am I a tiger?  Am I a leopard?  Am I a wildebeast?

Ohhhh, I get it...  I'M A ZEBRA!

I found myself going through the racks humming, "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..."

Then it occurred to me:

If I wore anyone of those bathing suits in the jungle, not only would I be the slowest member of the food chain, I'd also be the fattest.  In other words?  I'd be dinner.

There are very few things I hate more than trying on bathing suits, for the following reasons:

1.  I'm always positive they have security cameras trained into the dressing rooms and someone, somewhere, is calling his buddies over to "Check out the fat chick trying to yank that suit up over her enormous granny panties!"

Rat bastards.  I know they're there.  I know they're watching.

2.  I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who leaves my panties on when trying on bathing suits, so the thought of having my pantied crotch coming into contact with someone else's UNpantied crotch skeeves me the hell out.

Shut up.  It is too a logical fear.

3.  I hate doing the Walk Of Shame when I emerge from the dressing room and hand over the five suits that didn't fit and make me look like Jaba The Hut to the (usually elderly and judgmental) dressing room attendant, who announces loudly (because she's 900 years old and deaf), "Too small, huh?"

Anyway, I finally settled in a bathing suit that wasn't hideous and would (hopefully) camouflage my ever expanding girth (girth is only good if you're a dude).

This is what I bought:

This is how I look in it:

Okay, fine.

THIS is how I look in it:

I'm the brunette.

Have a fabu weekend, me loverlies!!


  1. Oh man, you are hawt!!!

    That's a really cute suit, actually. Accentuates the positive (i.e. boobies) and slims down the rest. Adorable. My pool is open . . . come on over!

    I don't even try to shmoosh my fat ass (and fat everything else) into a bathing suit. Don't. Even. Try. Yep, that's right. I have a pool in my backyard that I never even think about getting in. Why? Because it would involve me putting on a bathing suit, and that feat of awesomeness will not occur. I am comfortable with the fact that my ass is too fat to go swimming. I am a whale and I will stay beached, thanks. I wouldn't want people to have to get out the harpoons.

    1. Oh, pish. Slap that tiara on your head, twirl your mustache, slip into some spandex and swim, dammit! Swim!!

      I'm too fat to go swimming too, but I've decided to be one of those fat girls who thinks they're hawt.

      Join me, will you?

  2. I have a tankini that I wore to the water park last summer, but I'm a little afraid to try it on now. My speedo, aka the chastity belt of swimsuits, was a little tight on my when I wore it back in April, so I think I may be going out to invest in a swim dress this year.

    Fuck it, I'm old, right?

    1. Swim dresses are the new black.

      Fat girls are the new thin.

      I have spoken.

  3. Oh, the horrors of bathing suit shopping! I feel your pain! While my overall girth isn't TOO bad, it's the top shelf that's always caused swimwear shopping trauma. It's amazingly difficult to find swimwear to fit (and support) 34DDD natural (and no longer so perky) boobs. I always either overflow (embarrassing) or sag low (equally embarrassing).

    Is there some reason that bathing suit manufacturers can't construct swimwear with the same structural support as a bra?? Really?? Oddly enough, bikini tops usually provide better support than tankinis, but nobody wants to see my jelly belly, trust me! It would scare small children.

    1. I'm pretty sure that bathing suit manufacturers are under the impression that no one over a size 2 or the age of 25 has any business being in a bathing suit. Ergo, the conical breasticle holders placed in places that boobies never, ever go, large floral prints that are beyond slimming on a size 26W, and the firm believe that all fat girls want to wear jungle print suits with rouched sides and no tata support.

      I've added them all to my List Of Bastards Who Must Die.

  4. Ha! I couldn't have said it better myself. So depressing. The alternative? Get yourself a boobie holder. It takes care of what needs to be done...according to my 3 year old anyway...

    1. I love your child.

      Can I choose my own boobie-holder? If so, I choose...



      I choose Shemar Moore.

  5. You are so fucking hilarious!! Bathing suit shopping is one of the most humiliating, pride swallowing experiences a woman can have. The only thing worse is working over an entire holiday weekend, which is exactly what I am doing...

    1. I wonder if anyone would notice if I just jumped in wearing a barrel, like one of those that morons use when they think they can go over Niagara Falls in one...

  6. Bathing suit shopping scares the hell out of me. I will just swim in my jeans, thank you very much!!




    1. I firmly believe they need to make bathing suits with sleeves, leggings, and footies. JMO.

  7. I hate suit shopping too. I think everyone does. Even those size 6 bitches who look good in anything. I like the one you chose. It's cute.

  8. Hand to god I wear a "Halter" top and SHORTS to the beach!! I try to show as little skin as possible and make sure my thighs don't rub together until they're raw. Oh the joys of being a chubby girl during swimsuit season!!
    P.S. I think your new suit is ADORABLE!!

  9. On line's the only way I can get through swim wear shopping. Tankini, size 16 please...and WTH are they so damn expensive?!?! UGH!! Happy swimwear season ladies!!!


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