Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

02 May 2012

Long Story Short...

And just in case you need a second look....


In case you missed the reason this fabulously tanned vixen made the news, you can read about it 
here.  I have no interest in going into the whole thing as to whether or not she did or didn't attempt to cook her 6 year old in a tanning a booth.  (I'm not trying to make light of it.... if she did, then she needs to be punished accordingly.  I'm just not a huge fan of trying people in the media or declaring guilt based on my own Snooty McJudgerson opinion.  I may trash her up one side and down the other with my close personal friends, and even try and convict her on Facebook, where all important issues of the day are decided, but I won't do it on my blog.  Because I'm better than that, dammit.)

No, MY interest lies in whether or not I've ever looked that horrific with a tan.

Because (and I'm not proud of this) I've done some pretty serious tanning in my life.  And it wasn't always pretty.

(Feel free to read all about my really bad tanning decisions here.)

I've had more blistering sunburns in my life than I could even begin to count.  I've slathered myself with baby oil, Tropical Tan, butter... (pretty much everything but sun screen) in my quest to achieve Perfect Tanned-ness.

If my parents had installed a tanning booth in my bedroom I would have slept in it.

Truest freaking story EVER.

So yeah, I kinda get where Oompa Loompa mom is coming from, as far as being Addicted To Tanning...

"Kinda" being the operative word here.  (Is "kinda" a word?  No?  Are you sure?  Who are you, Daniel Fucking Webster?)

So I've done the tanning bed thing twice in my life.  Both times it became more important for me to make my tanning bed appointments than to get to work on time.

I loved it.

I'm the same way when I make a decision at the beginning of summer to get a tan that year.  I'm so dedicated to it that I surprise myself, because I literally am the most unmotivated person on the planet.  Yet hand me a beach towel and a bottle of Tropical Tan and suddenly I am filled with the spirit of the Dedicated and Ambitious, and I tan my ass like it's my job and lives depend on it.

But dammit, I looked and felt fabulous.

Or... did I??!!!

I needed to do some research.

Usually, I do not tan because skin cancer runs in my family, I'm fairly fair skinned, and I figure I did so much damage when I was younger that I need to bank on my Good Shopping Cart Karma (I always, always, ALWAYS put my shopping cart away.  It's how I ward off evil spirits, and prevent shopping carts from rolling into my car while I'm shopping, and prevents people from stealing my purse when I leave it in the shopping cart, which I do so often it's embarrassing.  So far it's worked.  Don't mock my Shopping Cart Karma... it's pretty much the only thing I've got going for me) and not test the Gods of wrinkles, age spots, and melanoma by continuing to roast myself like a pig on a spit.

BUT... around 3 years ago, I had a vacation in Vegas coming up, and damned if I wasn't going to be tanned when I got there.

I made it my mission in life to be the darkest person there, (African Americans not withstanding).

I roasted.  I baked.  I sweated my ass off under UV lights every single day for weeks.

I turned myself from a pasty white girl into a Bronzed Goddess, goddammit.

Or so I thought, until I recently looked back on some of those pics.



*long pause*

(Sidebar:  Remember the episode of Friends where Joey auditions for a part with Jeff Goldblum and he has a line where he goes, "Oh, I want to, Long Pause.  I want to, but I can't."  And Jeff Goldblum says "You aren't supposed to say 'long pause.'"  And Joey's all, "Oh, I thought it was your character's name, like he was Indian..."  BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  Okay, sorry.  I just think about that every single time I write or say "Long Pause.")


So yeah... this is what happened when I determined I needed a tan:

I am literally one tanning session away in this photo from being Oompa Loompa Mom.

AND NO ONE TOLD ME.  (You know who you are.)

He's so... irresistible..