Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

02 May 2012

Long Story Short...

And just in case you need a second look....


In case you missed the reason this fabulously tanned vixen made the news, you can read about it 
here.  I have no interest in going into the whole thing as to whether or not she did or didn't attempt to cook her 6 year old in a tanning a booth.  (I'm not trying to make light of it.... if she did, then she needs to be punished accordingly.  I'm just not a huge fan of trying people in the media or declaring guilt based on my own Snooty McJudgerson opinion.  I may trash her up one side and down the other with my close personal friends, and even try and convict her on Facebook, where all important issues of the day are decided, but I won't do it on my blog.  Because I'm better than that, dammit.)

No, MY interest lies in whether or not I've ever looked that horrific with a tan.

Because (and I'm not proud of this) I've done some pretty serious tanning in my life.  And it wasn't always pretty.

(Feel free to read all about my really bad tanning decisions here.)

I've had more blistering sunburns in my life than I could even begin to count.  I've slathered myself with baby oil, Tropical Tan, butter... (pretty much everything but sun screen) in my quest to achieve Perfect Tanned-ness.

If my parents had installed a tanning booth in my bedroom I would have slept in it.

Truest freaking story EVER.

So yeah, I kinda get where Oompa Loompa mom is coming from, as far as being Addicted To Tanning...

"Kinda" being the operative word here.  (Is "kinda" a word?  No?  Are you sure?  Who are you, Daniel Fucking Webster?)

So I've done the tanning bed thing twice in my life.  Both times it became more important for me to make my tanning bed appointments than to get to work on time.

I loved it.

I'm the same way when I make a decision at the beginning of summer to get a tan that year.  I'm so dedicated to it that I surprise myself, because I literally am the most unmotivated person on the planet.  Yet hand me a beach towel and a bottle of Tropical Tan and suddenly I am filled with the spirit of the Dedicated and Ambitious, and I tan my ass like it's my job and lives depend on it.

But dammit, I looked and felt fabulous.

Or... did I??!!!

I needed to do some research.

Usually, I do not tan because skin cancer runs in my family, I'm fairly fair skinned, and I figure I did so much damage when I was younger that I need to bank on my Good Shopping Cart Karma (I always, always, ALWAYS put my shopping cart away.  It's how I ward off evil spirits, and prevent shopping carts from rolling into my car while I'm shopping, and prevents people from stealing my purse when I leave it in the shopping cart, which I do so often it's embarrassing.  So far it's worked.  Don't mock my Shopping Cart Karma... it's pretty much the only thing I've got going for me) and not test the Gods of wrinkles, age spots, and melanoma by continuing to roast myself like a pig on a spit.

BUT... around 3 years ago, I had a vacation in Vegas coming up, and damned if I wasn't going to be tanned when I got there.

I made it my mission in life to be the darkest person there, (African Americans not withstanding).

I roasted.  I baked.  I sweated my ass off under UV lights every single day for weeks.

I turned myself from a pasty white girl into a Bronzed Goddess, goddammit.

Or so I thought, until I recently looked back on some of those pics.



*long pause*

(Sidebar:  Remember the episode of Friends where Joey auditions for a part with Jeff Goldblum and he has a line where he goes, "Oh, I want to, Long Pause.  I want to, but I can't."  And Jeff Goldblum says "You aren't supposed to say 'long pause.'"  And Joey's all, "Oh, I thought it was your character's name, like he was Indian..."  BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  Okay, sorry.  I just think about that every single time I write or say "Long Pause.")


So yeah... this is what happened when I determined I needed a tan:

I am literally one tanning session away in this photo from being Oompa Loompa Mom.

AND NO ONE TOLD ME.  (You know who you are.)

He's so... irresistible..


  1. UGH! Sadly, stupidly, I've baked myself in a tanning bed probably a hundred times from ages 22 to 29. Because tan makes you look thinner, right?

    So. Stupid.

    Now I dread my yearly skin exam at the derm, I just know one day that tan skin is going to come back and bite me in the ass.

    1. Tanning is seriously the best weight loss method EVER.

      I also hold with the theory that tanned fat is wayyyy more attractive than white fat.

      It is written.

  2. I looooove tanning! But I live in Fargo where there is snow 9 months out of the year. Can you really blame me for wanting some rays?!? I've always tried to stay away from the oopma look, but I know I've teetered dangerously close to that line.

    1. Tanning is so goooood, yet so very, very baaaaaaad. Once I get started it's next to impossible for me to stop. It's like, screw Lay's Potato Chips... just let me have one more week of prime tanning weather...

  3. My pasty white skin not only reveals my fear of skin cancer, but also my extreme dislike for the heat! My mom and aunt were ladies of the crisco and baby oil. That woman makes George Hamilton look like the white shadow!

    1. My pasty white skin currently reveals fear of the same thing, and while I extremely also dislike heat, if I'm laying in it next to a pool, I'm the happiest person in the world.

      My life is a riddle...

  4. I've avoided the tanning bed... mostly because of the risk of skin cancer and because I'm so pale it would take more applications than i can afford to turn my pasty glow in the dark skin to tan.

    1. I spent my formative years as a die-hard backyard tanner and still occasionally get the urge to dedicate my life to lying in the sun and baking myself to a nice, crispy, golden brown, but fortunately I've (mostly) learned from the folly of my youth (and through my 30s and early 40s) and no longer feel compelled to do so. I have no interest in looking like a fine leather handbag or dying with a fabulous tan.

  5. First, you look stunning with that glowing tan in that pic. Nothing like an oompa loompa.

    Next, my late teen/early 20 years were mostly spent on my parents porch, baking in the sun. I scheduled time for it like it was also my job, prior to actually going off to my real waitressing job. I was never super dark or oompa loompaish, but I did have a must darker glowing facade.

    Now, I am literally the whitest woman in the whole wide world. I could blind you with my pasty white skin. It is frightening.

    1. I'm pretty sure I was just a wee bit oompa loompa-ish. But thank you, dahhhling.

      I currently have no tan lines anywhere on my body. Essentially, my face is as white as my ass. Sad but true. Light reflects off of me and blinds those unfortunate enough to be in my pasty white midst.

  6. Ack, I read about that today too (it's in my area of the country, unfortunately) and FREAKED OUT when I saw her. I get why people are quick to assume she cooked her kid. If she's willing to do that, what the fuuuuuuuuck?! I'm hoping that we're all just being judgmental cuz she looks so weird and the kid just got a normal sunburn.

    1. Isn't it hideous??? And she's married, which means this is okay with her husband.

      I agree, tanning yourself to that degree shows a distinct lack of common sense, which is probably why everyone is so quick to assume she's guilty as charged, but like you, I really hope she isn't.

      And why on earth does the tanning place allow children in the rooms with the tanning beds, anyway??? They're just screaming for a law suit.

  7. Yuck. Regardless of what she did or didn't do to her child, look what she has done to herself. Watch.The.Melanomas.Grow.

    I fell asleep in the sun once when I was about 13 (yes,in the back yard trying to tan my dumbass self), and awoke to the healthy look of my face covered in blisters. Nice.

    Now that I am old and wrinkly, I apply sunscreen every damn day, rain or shine. Bugger the tan. I think that woman's face is more horrifying than all the grosso fat asses/giant boobs/disgusting bodies/weird peeners photos you have presented us with.

    1. I apply sun screen daily, too, which is kind of like shutting the barn door after the horse gets out, but I still do it.

      I once fell asleep at the lake on top of a picnic table wearing a bikini. I had my arm across my belly, apparently, as I slept for a few hours, and woke up to an amaaaaaazing sunburn with a huuuuge white strip where my arm had been.

      So. Damn. Sexy.

  8. This happened about 30 mins from where I live. She looks like a nice buttery Micael Kors handbag. You don't look *anything* close to orange. And this is coming from a girl who absorbs sun like a sponge.

    Every summer it's me, Hawaiian Tropic and a beach blanket. I've never burned in my life but 2 yrs ago I got my first sunburn ever 2 yrs ago. it hasn't stopped me one bit. I detest being pale. Of course I'm naturally "mocha" colored so it doesn't take much for me to get darker.

    1. Btw, totally understand the butter thing. My mom used to use Crisco...

  9. I don't think your pic looks even close to an oompa loompa! You look beautiful and i'm sure you turned heads in Vegas on your trip, in a good way! ^_^

    I embrace my pastiness after having tried and failed many times to tan. It just isn't in the cards for me I suppose so I've stopped trying, my skin just won't do it.

    I feel sorry for that mom, she seriously needs a Dr. Phil intervention. Did you see her husband on camera with her? I know this is horrible, but all I could think was "whyyy? why do you let your wife look like an oiled up baseball glove?! Have you not been able to get through to her or do you think she looks hot like that?" Yikes! I can't believe the woman is only 44 because right now she looks older than my 73 year old grandmother. :S

  10. I'm part Native American, and a larger part pasty European. That means that I burn first and then bronze after. That said, I've never been much for tanning, but here in Madison, it's as important to a girl's schedule as her actual classes and sometimes moreso. I've had cancer, and once you've gone a round with the Big C, you're more susceptible to other types of cancer and especially skin cancer. I may not be Sacajawea bronzed anymore, but there is nothing more vindicating to me than watching these 20 something skanks sporting the leathery skin of a former Ft. Lauderdale beach bunny.

  11. Okay, number 1, you look NOTHING like an oompa loompa.

    Number 2, I tanned all the way up to the day before I left for the SPQ parade in March because while a tan may not make you thinner, brown fat looks better than white fat any day!!

  12. Replies
    1. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH OH GOD, The Gene Wilder demotivationals get me every time...

      But for realsies, DON'T BOOTH-TAN ANYMORE! Look at me: I've embraced the Victorian porcelain trend, and I PURPOSEFULLY accentuate the glowing vampire body of mine with goth tones, and my skin will last longer! I'm sure you look awesome sans-tan right now, because we have similar whitey colouring lol. >_< Some golden beach times in the summer is healthy though, just like organic produce when it's actually in season. =P

  13., tanning isn't good for our tats. ;-)

  14. I think the picture of you is gorgeous, seriously. However, that woman....dear sweet gawd she is scary as hell.

  15. You are so pretty. With all the self-bashing that you do, I thought you'd at LEAST be "just average." This is your official "knock that shit off" comment from me.


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