Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

19 June 2012

Another one with TMI

First coherent thought this morning:

What the fuck is UP with these panties???

I basically spent the night tossing, turning and gyrating in a desperate attempt to situate my underwear just right so that they'd stop crawling up my butt and wedging themselves into *ahem* other areas.

As I yanked and pulled and tried to find a position that wouldn't encourage creepage, those damn panties just developed a life of their own and drove me fucking crazy all night  long.

Second coherent thought this morning:

Why the hell didn't I just take them off?


Since I really have no intelligent response to that question, I've decided to ignore it.

Also?  It appears that I got a bargain, because MY large wedgie was FREE.

This, naturally, leads me to a TMI discussion about underwear choices.

(Feel free to chime in.  Or tune out.  I understand either way.)

For some reason, men seem to find the idea of a woman wearing thong underwear extremely sexy. So women, naturally, wear them.

And I've yet to figure out why, other than the benefit of cutting down on visible panty lines.   (Aka VPL, in case you've seen that before and had no clue as to what it stood for but didn't care enough or were too embarrassed to ask.  You're welcome.)

Which, in MY opinion?

Isn't a good enough reason to slice my ass in half.

I've owned a few thongs but can only wear them for about 30 minutes before they start driving me crazy.  

So I begin, mentally, to weigh the pros and cons:


No visible panty lines.


No one is noticing my panty line anyway because they're distracted by my hand being shoved down the back of my pants every 6 seconds to remove floss from butt-crack.


Men think it's sexy.


Doing deep knee bends to remove floss from butt-crack while performing a reverse reach-around is not sexy.


That's hawt.

Let me break it down for you, in case you're a dude and are still focused on the hotness of thongs:

1.  Take a thin strip of lace.

2.  Wedge it deeply within the confines of your ass-crack.

3.  Floss it up and down.

4.  For 8 to 12 hours.

5.  Without stopping.

Still sexy?

Shhhh... don't tell anyone...

I decided to base my underwear choices on more utilitarian purposes rather than on what men may or may not find sexy.

Moving right along, let's discuss the option at the exact opposite end of the underwear spectrum:

The Granny Panty.

I'm not a fan of those, either.

First of all, I do not like billowing folds of cotton or nylon hanging out over the waistband of my pants.

Not that it wouldn't come in handy were I ever to be involved in a plane crash, as I'm sure they could double as a parachute and/or flotation device, but in real life?



I feel like there's just too much excess room to guarantee that everything stays where it's supposed to.

(I know, I know... now you're wondering what I've got going on that needs to be kept confined.  No, I don't have a secret penis or anything growing where it isn't supposed to.  I just mean that I like my girly bits to touch cotton, not air.)

And let's face it:  Those panties be ugly.  And huge.  

Which leads me to:

Everything In Between.

You've got hipsters, boy shorts, high cut, commando...

Only never commando.


I have never been able to wrap my head around the idea of not putting on panties before I leave the house.

I would spend every waking second being hideously aware of the fact that I wasn't wearing panties.

I would probably begin all of my conversations with, "Hi, I'm Dani and I'm not wearing panties" and every one would think I was hitting on them when in reality, I would just not be able to talk about anything else because all I would be thinking about was the air blowing up my dress and the fear that at any given moment, I would fall down and be spread eagle in public without wearing any panties.

Or worse.

I would be afraid to sit down, stand up, walk, talk, bend over, sneeze...  (If you've had kids you understand why that might be an issue... Imagine being out and about all carefree and panty-less when suddenly you are struck with a sneezing attack and all you can do is just stand there helplessly, sneezing and piddling without any panties on.  That would be awkward.  I of course would just step over the puddle and pretend it didn't happen, but deep inside, I would know.  And sadly, so would everyone else.)

I think I'm super careful about my panty choices because of the number of times I've inadvertently tucked a skirt into the back of my underpants and went on my merry way, cluelessly mooning the world and only finding out about it hours later when becoming suddenly conscious of the back draft that shouldn't be there.

I think this is Karma's way of saying, "The world doesn't want to see your ass.  Cover it.  But not with granny panties, because the world doesn't want to see that, either."

Who an I to argue with Karma?

No one, that's who.

  Meanwhile, in my travels through the Google-verse this morning, I found this and thought it was hilarious.

Since it has nothing to do with my blog, I'm sticking it in as an after-thought.

Kind if like an After Dinner mint:


  1. Ha! I just wrote a post about going commando (the idea, not me. I cover my parts up, thank you very much).

    I can't do boyshorts/hipsters. They're like hotpants.

    1. I just read it... I'm glad we're on the same side.

      And I know, right?? How on earth can celebs go out and about pantiless and then wonder why their beaver shot winds up on TMZ?

      Hello, McFLY!!!

  2. I don't sleep in panties, but I have to wear panties under my clothes. I do wear quite a bit of thongs as my work pants are clingy and I DESTEST panty lines. I think they're comfy though.

    I have a friend who goes commando. I don't know how she does it. I could never.

    I saw a girl riding her bike by me today and her thong was showing out the top of her pants.

    1. I've never worried too much about my panty lines, even though I probably should. I just hate feeling things crawl up my butt.

      When I see girls with their thongs hanging out the tops of their pants I kind of want to snap them. I mean, it's like "Okay, we get it... you're wearing a thong. Thanks for sharing."

    2. I actually said to her, "You may want to tuck your shirts in on your rides. This is the second day in a row I've seen your thong hanging out." She was embarrassed. Or maybe she feigned embarrassment. But I think she honestly had no idea she was sporting a whale tail.

  3. Marion in SavannahJune 19, 2012 at 12:37 PM

    Thanks for the After Dinner Mint! My whole office is howling.

    Thong? I'd rather die. I'm approaching the age (just about tomorrow, maybe...) where granny panties will start looking really comfy.

    I've lurked for a while. Love your stuff, and the After Dinner Mint has driven me to comment. Thanks again!

    1. HAH! I KNEW I could get you to comment!!

      I know, right? The "They see me rollin'..." almost made me pee. I thought it was freaking hysterical.

      Keep commenting!!


  4. I have had those nights. I have no idea what the hell is up with those underwear while you sleep! They take on a life of their own and just don't wanna be where they are supposed to be. Ugh.

    I don't do thongs. I don't do granny panties. I don't do boyshorts. Some nice normal bikini panties are just fine, thanks.

    Although I know quite a few people who wear thongs all the time and think they are comfy and I also know of some who go commando ALL THE TIME. I just don't get that at all.

    1. I have to do boy shorts because I have small hips, no ass, and am straight up and down with no waist indentation, so they fit really well.

      If I do bikinis, they wind up sliding down my ass and into my pants, never to be seen or heard from again. Then I have to shove my hand down the back of my pants and yank them back up again, which is a really classy thing to do.

      I'm all about class, dontcha know.

    2. Yeah, see . . . I'm curvy as a mofo, so those boyshorts get swallowed up in all the fat rolls, um I mean, voluptuous curves. ;)

      The bikinis sit where they are supposed ta. Usually. Unless they don't.

      I feel like we are really soing some good sharing here. So, what size bra do you wear again??? ;)

    3. I think we should discuss our periods first, don't you?

    4. I'm a commando kinda gal. But, then again, I'm also kinda slutty, sooooo there's that...

    5. Dani-um, I think you've already covered that subject in abundance.

      Jen - kinda? Are you forgetting that I know you? ;)

      Then again, I hear Jeremy likes 'em that way, so I think you're good!

  5. Hanes...wedgie free--says so right on the package? Yup, that's for me!

    Keep rollin' kitty!

    1. Reallyyyyyy??? Why have I never heard of such an invention???

      I must look into this.


  6. I normally wear underwear that I bought in a high end (no pun intended) Plus size shop in LA (can't remember the name). I bought them 5 years ago and they are still great and haven't lost their stretch. They were darned expensive though. Also, hospital panties are pretty comfortable (and free).

    1. Bwaaahahaaa @ "high end"...

      What shop was it?? Share, mama... share!!

    2. I think it was Lane Bryant.

  7. Underwear are quite honestly not something I love shopping for. I recently discovered my drawers were getting pretty stretched out and thin so I decided to buy some new ones. Yeah, no such luck. They've changed the style I like so try 5 sixpacks later I've finally found some that will what do I do with these packs that all have one pair taken out and then discarded. I'm annoyed just typing about it.

    1. Bring them to a thrift shop or women's shelter. They'd really appreciate them.

  8. For awhile there, I was rather jealous of people who can wear thongs. Aside from the butt-floss quotient (no can do), there is also no *there* there for a piddle pad to stick to. I don't wear granny panties, but do need a full crotch covering the leaky bits.

    But in the past coupla years, my eyes have been scorched a few times by the sight of butts that are either sporting a thong or are completely commando. Ya wouldn't think it would be noticeable, but it depends on what kind of pants they're wearing. Lounge pants, sweats, jammies or other clingy fabrics . . . not only can you make out each and every li'l dimple of cellulite and the slightest jiggle that puts Jell-O to shame, the fabric gets sucked into that quantum vortex where the sun don't shine way, waaaaaaaaay deep inside those cheeks. Camel toe ain't got nuthin' on a covered-up backside that still looks nakey. Eeeeeeee-yew!

  9. Haha I can't do commando either. Not okay.

  10. I'm a wedgie-free Hanes gal too. Fabric covered waistband?? Even better!!

  11. Let me just say this, friggin thongs/gstrings after you had a 12 pound baby can pretty much suck my nuts. Why? Because I have fucking HEMORRHOIDS, that's why. And that fucking flossing up and down thing all goddamn day long when you have a fucking balloon knot on your butthole can pretty much just suck it.


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