Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

24 October 2011

Passive Aggressive Facebooking: Decoded and Unplugged

Today is National Pet Peeve Day.  (I just invented it, like, right this second.  You're welcome.)

One of my newest and most trendy pet peeves is Vaguebooking, aka Passive Aggressive Facebooking.  I find it fascinating (and wildly annoying) how much attention people get for posting dramatic status updates that say, "OMG!" and then they don't come back online or provide an explanation for two days.  Or, "I can't believe this just happened..." AND...gone.

Meanwhile, left in their wake, are 47 comments that all say the same thing:

"What happened?"  "Are you okay?" "I'm praying for you..."  or just a meaningful emoticon:  " :(  "

I'm going to take a moment to translate for you:

"OMG" means, "Pay attention to me."

"I can't believe this just happened..." means, "Pay attention to me."

(It can also mean, "I'm a drama queen" or "I'm desperately needy" or most likely, D) All of the above.)

My cries for help, love, and attention via facebook always go unnoticed.

Inspirational Quotes with the simple statement, "So true..." make me stabby.  Like, seriously stabby.  Granted, it's a sure-fire proven method of getting all 200 of your closest friends to tell you how beautiful and wonderful you are, but wouldn't it be MORE meaningful if you just wrote, "I hate that limp-dicked bastard and I hope he gets hit by a bus and his whore girlfriend's twat explodes on impact"?  

Because that's what you're really thinking, right?  I mean, if you are actually thinking, "If you love something, let it go free... If it comes back, it's yours.  If it doesn't, it was never meant to be..." then I've got news for you:  You're stupid and I will make fun of you.

Usually I don't pay attention to the "Inspirational" quotes and pictures because I'm kind of an asshole and I find them freaking hilarious.  My eyes roll of their own free will as I skim through the words.  My body releases a derisive snort, completely of it's own volition.  (Honest.  I'm all, "BWAAAAAAA!" while I'm thinking to myself, "Dani, how rude... someone put a lot of time and effort into clicking "share" from their friend's Facebook pages to best express how deeply they are hurting...")  Meanwhile, my hand flies up to my mouth and suddenly I'm making rude fart noises as I finish reading the asinine quote, thus effectively gaining NOTHING from the well-chosen words that obviously spoke so loudly to the person who took the time to post this shit on their wall.  (As they were wiping tears out of their eyes because those words applied perfectly to their lives.  It's like, it was written for them.)

If one more person posts

(Bonus points if the quote comes with a Marilyn Monroe credit.)  

Because this sounds like something a film star who made her living out of playing a dumb blonde would have said in the '50s...  Yes?

I've collected some of my favorite eye-rolling moments and I'm going to not only share them with you today, I'm going to define them for you and translate the message hidden within the message. Because I?  Am a giver like that.  (I'm seriously nominating myself for a Nobel Peace Prize. How thoughtful am I to take time out of my busy day of watching a Hoarders marathon to do this?  Jesus must be so proud.)

Let us begin with the famous break-up quote:


Funny Breakup/Divorce Ecard: I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks.

Then there's the "Nobody Likes Me Everybody Hates Me" quotes:


And we can't forget "the Haters":


The "Empowerment" Quote:


One of my faves:  The "He was the best guy you'll ever get but since he dumped you because you seriously are the most boring person alive we're going to be supportive and make you feel like you deserve better" quote:


The "I've Only Got 5 Friends On Facebook So Feel Sorry For Me" Quote:


The classic vaguebook "I'm Upset And I Want Everyone To Wonder Why, Especially Someone In Particular Who's On My Friend's List" Quote:


The "I'm A Total Bitch And No One Can Stand Me Except Other Friendless People Because I'm All They've Got" Quote:


The "How To Lose A Friend In 5 Minutes" Quote:


And finally, The Dani "See, Mom?  I'm NOT Wasting My Education!" Quote:


  1. This is awesome...can I just post the whole thing to my facebook? I think you covered the board here on how facebook let's us revel just a touch, or bucket full, too much in narcissism.
    I found you through the Vesta's blog Cowardly Feminist...I am glad I did!

  2. Thank you Jeanne! As I was shamelessly pimping this blog posting out on my Facebook I was thinking, "Oh shit... I hope the people I stole this stuff from don't actually read my blog..."

  3. M'kay, first off, thank you for inventing National Pet Peeve day. And second? So, so many good sentences in this post.It's a tie for my favorite...Can you shut the fuck up about vampires?


    I hope he gets hit by a bus and his whore girlfriend's twat explodes on impact.


  4. I'm going to email your comment to my mom just to prove to her that majoring in English was NOT a complete waste of time. BOO-YAH!

  5. Egads... I just cleared a half dozen people just like this out of my Facebook. *in the voice of a screeching hell harpy* "Why do people feel like they can comment on everything you say?" Um, because you you let it escape from your fat fingers onto a public forum, Frosty the Snow Whore. Now that I've purged all my little errors in people-reading, my newsfeed is eerily silent.

    Also, "I hope he gets hit by a bus and his whore girlfriend's twat explodes on impact." is a phrase I plan on working into at least one conversation this week. Please let me know what I owe you in royalties, and I'll pay you in cookies or chocolate scented bath bombs or something.

  6. P.S.- I totally just linked this blog entry on my FB wall.

  7. Mandi... I happily and greedily accept all offers of cookies and bath bombs. My newsfeed would no doubt also become eerily silent if the people I relentlessly make fun of stopped focusing on something other than themselves long enough to figure out that they are totally fueling my blog.

  8. I feel you on this.

    I'd like to add the "repost this if you your friends, love jesus, support the troops, like cake, etc." status updates to the list of facebook pet peeves.

    I don't repost those ramblings. Ever. Even if I happen to agree with the sentiment. I don't care if it's the most profound fucking thing I've ever heard. If you asked me to repost it, even for 1 hour, it's not going to happen. On the other hand, if you post something hilarious I might share it or copy it (giving credit of course), because it's hilarious- duh.

    I'm all worked up. I might have to explore this further on my own blog. Do you own this content now that I've posted it here? Shit. I should really know how that works.

    Also, I find your use of "twat" particularly hilarious as you thanked me the other day for not using it, because of the "gnarly visual".

    peace & love

  9. I knowwww! I thought about that while I was writing it! I was thinking, "What is the most disgusting word I can think of to describe something horrible happening to a whore?" and then I thought, "Well, CRAP... I just outed myself on Lil's blog as getting creeped out by that word!"

    And I could NOT AGREE MORE with the "Repost" status updates. OMG. That drives me NUTS... ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE INCORRECT. I'm such a knowitall smartypants that I inform them that it's either a) a hoax (followed with the appropriate link to or b) let them know it's incorrect (with an appropriate link to google or bling or whatever). Because I'M soooo fucking thoughtful!!!

    Most recently: "This is the song that all the radio stations are banning..." followed by some dumbass Hank Williams Jr. song, all because it mentions keeping God in the Pledge of Allegiance or some such stupid shit. CHECK YOUR SOURCES, PEOPLE! JUST BECAUSE IT'S ON FACEBOOK DOESN'T MEAN IT'S TRUE!!!!


  10. I am seriously considering asking you to let me be your bitch.

    And, although I'm not sure it's relevant to anything, what the hell is that guy sitting on in the first picture?

  11. All I could think of after I read the "Empowerment Quote" was Cartman on Maury "I don't care I do what I want!"

  12. LOL. Oh Dani, I just openly say 'go fuck yourself' to most people in my statuses. ;-)

  13. @Jo... I'm pretty sure it's a computer monitor. After much consideration and enlarging the screen, that's my best assessment. And I could use a good bitch.

    @Bri... *snort*

    @Manda... I know you do, precious. That's why I love you so much. <3<3<3

  14. If I log into facebook and someone has a really annoying status posted I usually just delete them as a friend...I'm not even really friends with half of those people anyway so it's just a little gift I give myself...the gift of unfriending. haha

  15. Unfriending... The gift that keeps on giving...


  16. This is the most hilarious thing I think I've read in a long ass time.
    I'm real sick of the cutsie pictures and quotes, I can't stand it anymore.

    And I'm sharing this because I think a lot of my asshole friends would appreciate this. :)

  17. Awesome blog post. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.

    I CANNOT abide the ridiculous Facebook statements and I delete the people who write them.

    The worst Facebook status updaters are the ones who write things like: 'I cannot believe the nerve of some people'. And then that's it. I have to forcibly restrain myself from replying 'I really hate people like you'.

  18. Please do... *snort* I would love to write what I'm really thinking on vaguebook posts... but I'm just too polite. I usually just want to write *big ass mother fucking eye roll* and leave it at that.

  19. And how is publicly judging people and engaging in self-satisfied hair-trigger cynicism any less self-indulgent and narcissistic?

  20. Better? Who said it was going to be better?
    But, now that you mention it, I'm pretty sure that being openly honest and blunt with whatever your issues are, instead of Vaguebooking them, is infinitely better and less manipulative.

  21. Sorry, I suck at editing before posting.....oops ;)
    This is what I wanted to say:

    Less self-indulgent/narcissistic? Who said it was going to be less?

    But, now that you mention it; I'm pretty sure that being openly honest and perhaps, even blunt (oh my), when one posts about the issues in their life on Facebook, instead of Vaguebooking them (love that word), is infinitely less manipulative.

  22. I love it when people judge me anonymously. It shows strength and courage to do so.


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!