(You know, the guy in the Bible that basically discovered Murphy's Law. He was plagued by locusts, famine, flood, and the heart break of psoriasis. I think. Don't quote me on that, because there is the sliiiiiiiiiight possibility that I could be wrong.)
I've been shaking my fist at the sky a lot and asking, "Why do the righteous suffer??!!"
Yesterday, God decided to answer me. He said, "Dude... I like messing with you. You're like Wile E. Coyote... you never learn."
So I issued God a challenge, like my Biblical namesake. (I know Job isn't my Biblical namesake... my Biblical namesake would actually be Daniel, who had way better luck than me. Plus he was a pretty great guy, Daniel was. Then again, so was Job, for all intents and purposes. At least, that's what I heard.)
Okay, no I didn't. I'm pretty sure if I offered God a challenge, I would be currently bursting into flames, instead of sitting here half listening to Dateline on ID, waiting for Dr. Phil to start in 28 minutes (more or less) and blogging.
I honestly wish I knew where I was going with this.
Anyway.
I haven't been blogging much because sometimes it's hard to make unemployment, poverty, depression, and feelings of worthlessness funny. Also? The guy who created People of Walmart kind of cornered the market on that one.
(I love People of Walmart... it makes me so happy!)
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| How could anyone be depressed after seeing this? *bliss* |
So there I was, happily chortling and guffawing at the sad, sad Walmartians with their asses hanging out and their bad hair and their shame displayed on worn and inappropriate graphic tees, when I received another message from God.
(This one arrived in the form of a letter.)
Dear Dani,
YOU are a Person of Walmart.
Love,
God
BOOM!
I AM A PERSON OF WALMART.
It took a minute for me to digest it.
And then, it all started to make sense. It's like that moment when you're 14 and you suddenly figure out you're pretty and grew boobs overnight and have magically clear skin despite puberty, only opposite.
DAMN you, Karma!!
Last night, as I was wandering through Walmart and buying my pathetic groceries and Sam's Choice products (because I literally am that poor) I paused to take a look at my people.
As I watched the Fat Girls and Old Men and Obnoxious Children do their thang, I felt a fondness in my heart for them.
My peeps.
I am one of you, I thought to myself, lingering to look at the leggings and oversized t-shirts that are so popular with this culture.
Then I began to contemplate the benefits of being a Person of Walmart.
I compiled a list, so I could better visualize my future:
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| 1. I can join a cheerleading squad for Fat Girls!!! |
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| 2. No more Spanx to hold in my muffin top!! I will just hang it over the top of my shorts!! |
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| 3. I can use my back fat as an accessory!! |
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| 4. No more pants!! |
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| 5. I will never again have to wear a bra!! |
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| No bra!! Ever!! |
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| EVERRRRRRR!!! |
The benefits appear to be endless.
I can't wait to join a Fat Girl cheerleading squad.
But most of all, it's this:
Dear Bra and Pants,
We're breaking up.
It's not you, it's me.
Love,
Dani
I'm embracing my inner Fat Girl.
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| That's right, Inner Me... grab that candy and run with it, girl!! |
I can't fight it. Low, low prices, the pants optional policy, saggy boobs flapping with pride in the wind...
Dear Sam Walton,
You win.
I am One Of You.
Love,
Dani
lol... I like the idea of never wearing a bra again.. .I hate those things.
ReplyDeleteSeriously... living the dream, yo.
DeleteDani - I like to think of it as Walmart budget with Bloomingdale's taste. It makes me feel better! Chin up lady or I might have to fly out there and sing you some Annie songs.
ReplyDeleteI'd be happier if you flew out and brought vodka.
DeleteJust sayin'.
Then I'd sing Annie songs WITH you!!
Um, are you going to like, uh...how to put this...hang out there enough that it is worth filling out an employment application? I am pretty sure you could go straight to manager!
ReplyDeleteYou know how people say "If you get hungry enough you'll work anywhere"...?
DeleteTurns out in MY case?
That's not necessarily true.
Unfortunately.
I'm not hungry enough to work at Walmart... Not that there's anything wrong with it.
No Dani. Just . . . no. Step away from the dark side. Come in to the light. Don't make me stalk you and include you on my weekly whacked. I would feel badly about it. I would still do it, but I would feel bad.
ReplyDeletePut your bra and pants on like a big girl and THEN you can leave the house. Not before.
And I miss you when you go away. Don't go disappearing on us again. You can write about poverty and depression if you want. I'm sure you would make it funny. Or not, I don't care. I just need more doses of Dani, please!!
Oh. My. Gawd!! I'll let ya lose one or the other (pants OR bra) but not both at the same time. Baby steps Hunny!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree with Misty. PLEASE don't go away again!! We NEEEEEED you!!
I concur, stop disappearing. I'm not gonna lie, you crack me up, but not every day has to be peeners and puppy dogs. You can blog about the bad stuff too, we'll gladly listen. Or read, you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteOh, and thou shalt not forgo bra and pants. No Dani, you are not allowed.
Ih man, I've run into your blog several times recently and I'm finally leaving a comment. I'm so lazy, I apologize..
ReplyDeleteThis had me laughing pretty hard. I could look at those pics for HOURS! So fascinating!
Repeat after me... I am NOT a Person of Walmart.
ReplyDelete