Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

17 November 2011

Saggy Boobs Are Totally The New Black

*Author's note:  I'd like to apologize in advance... this blog kind of got away from me so I just went with it.  This blog contains images that may be disturbing to some viewers.  Viewer discretion is advised.  No boobs or belly buttons were harmed in the writing of this blog.  Remember... I WARNED YOU.

I had to run to the store super early this morning because I was, of all things, out of coffee. 

I know, right??!!

I was going to make Dan go get me some last night, but he is still sick and whiny and his cold has "moved" into his chest (I'm trying super hard not to think about those disgusting little green blobs on the Mucinex commercial, because they make me want to hurl, but now, of course, that's all I think about when someone mentions that  their "cold is moving" into their chest.  Thank you for that visual, People of Mucinex.  Thank you so freaking much.)

"Which way to Dan's chest?"

So anyway, I didn't feel like going either (Top Model was on... I needed to prepare for my evening with Tyra and give myself a pep talk in case Angelea made it through yet another elimination... Really, Tyra?  Like that Ghetto Whore is going to be the face of Italian Vogue?!  GET RID OF HER!!!!!!!).  

So yeah, I had more important things to do.  Which means I had to be out and about in the wee early hours because mama ain't starting her day without coffee, yo.

Morning arrived way before I was ready for it and the knowledge that I had to crawl out of my warm, comfy bed made my caffeine addiction seem almost... cruel.  Curse thee, caffeine, and your soul nourishing, life enhancing properties!!  Course thee and your kind!

I waffled with the idea of taking a shower, making myself presentable, and then running to the store.

I decided I didn't give a rat's ass at that hour of the day who saw me, what I was wearing, and how my armpits smelled.  I wanted coffee ASAP.

I rolled out of bed, put on a sweatshirt and jeans, shoved my ugliest pair of UGGs on my feet, stuck a hat on my head, and shuffled out the door.

That's right, people...

I didn't bother with any *cough* supportive undergarments.

I went to the Big M... 


"Where's the fucking coffee, bitches?"

And I didn't care.

If it's good enough for Meg Ryan, it's good enough for me.  (And in my defense, I had on a hat so my hair didn't look like... that.  Which means I'm better than you, Meg Ryan.  Suck on it!)

"Uncombed hair?  Check.  No make-up?  Check.  Saggy tits?  Check, check, and check!"

I think I'm becoming something of a trend-setter.  People all over the world are saying, "If DANI can go braless in public, why can't I?"  


"Come on, everybody!!  Let's burn our bras and follow Dani!"  

"Quick!!  She went that way!!"

"Wait, Dani!!  Wait for me!!"

"Do you know Dani?  This was her idea."

"Dani rocks."

"Hold on, Dani.... I'm coming...  I just need to put some pants on..."

"Heeeeeeeere's JOHNNYYY!  Heh heh... Thanks to Dani, I now get more chicks than guys withOUT boobs!"

"I'm not just a member of Dani's fan club, I'm also the president."
Sorry, Michael Kors... I know I stole your thunder by coming out with the saggy boobs before you could rock the Topless Protruding Belly Button.  Better luck next year.

"Curse you and your sagging tits!  CURSE YOU!!"


  1. I totally snorted and choked. Thank you! I've done it many times, but mostly to move the car or go thru a drive thru.. but someone ALWAYS sees me. It's usually my non english speaking neighbors that try to speak even longer than normal. I'm like really, you don't see me holdin my tits up so I don't drag on the asphalt? can I go now?

    Also, really.. do you prefer Angelea's ghetto ass over dragqueen Dominique? REALLY?? and I can't fuckin stand that bitch Lisa. uggh. I hate this season.

  2. No No No I HATE Angelea. HATE her. And cross-eyed Lisa. I actually preferred Drag Queen Dominique... but I'm rooting for Allison. I love her freaky face. I'm super glad they got rid of Bianca and Shannon... now Angelea NEEDS TO GO. And I agree... this season sucks ASS.

  3. I drive the kids to school whilst braless almost every day. I pull into the drop off lane and slow down long enough for them to hop out. No harm no foul.

    I do wonder every single time if that is the day karma is going to bite me in the ass and there will be some totally unforeseen reason to get out of the car and display my saggy boobs to the school.

    After those lovely pictures in your post I'm feeling kinda of glad to have small saggy tatas as opposed to large saggers so there's that.

    peace & love :-)

    p.s. If I plan to get out of the car at school, I put on a bra. Always.

  4. I think I've reached the point of Don't Give a Damn... I don't know a single person here so I'm kind of flying through life lately thinking, "Who's gonna see me?"

    (In my defense I was wearing a huge baggy sweatshirt and the girls weren't hanging down below the bottom of my sweatshirt or anything, praise the baby Jeebus.) Also? There was no nipple action. Because that? Is gross.

    But my karmic day will come. I'm sure of it.

  5. BWAHAHAHA! Geezy Beezy, every time I think you can't top yourself in the disturbing picture department, you go out and prove me wrong.

    I got over the fact that my boobs aren't big enough to sag a long time ago. BUT, there is, of course, a part of me that would like to have a rack that shows without the aid of a padded push-up bra. After seeing Jack's moobies, however, I'm starting to think I'm fine without them.

  6. Holy SHIT to those photos. I went from "That's kind of hot" to "Weird. That's probably not a real picture" to "OH GOOD GOD NO NO NO OH WHY NO PLEASE LET ME UNSEE THAT." You know, because I love Jack Nicholson so much. Man boobs = sadness.

  7. I am totally disturbed! But you brightened my evening after I just stormed out of the house telling my husband I didn't come home for a lecture.

    Thank you!!!

    XXX- Heidi

  8. Monkey picture = serious laugh out loud moment.

    Also? How did you get that picture of me vacationing in Africa? I thought I got rid of all photographic evidence of my topless phase.

    Yeah, I never go braless. It's just not fair for anyone to see that. I'm a fucking humanitarian and shit, ya know? Plus, I'd just get bruises on the bottoms of my boobs from smacking them with my knees repetitively whilst walking, and bruised boobies are no fun!

  9. EGADS!!! You DID warn us. But geezus! And as for those horrifically disgusting mucinex commercials, I have to change the channel any time they come on. I simply can't handle anything snot related.


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