Going mobile

You know how some people think they would probably die without food, water and shelter? I'm not one of those people. I'm one of those people who thinks I would probably die without a phone.

If I were ship wrecked on a desert island, while the other survivors were setting up shelter, starting a fire, and catching fish with their bare hands (and drawing faces on volley balls) I would be searching for a cell tower. Not necessarily to call for help, but to check my Facebook status and to see if I'd missed any calls. While the others were screaming, "Fresh water!" I'd be squealing, "Yay! I have full bars!!!" (And my status update would be something like, "I can't believe I broke a nail! Fuck you, Desert Island.")

Sad but true.

I know this about myself. I'm not proud of it, but I freely admit it. I am a phone-aholic.

When phones went to cordless, I was ecstatic. I could cook, clean, change diapers, and go to the bathroom without ever having to get off the phone. I could chat on the phone while I took a bath. The only thing that could have made me happier would be a mini bar and a tv in my bathroom. (It's my Life's Goal, people. Before I die I will have a mini bar and a tv in my bathroom. Who says I'm not ambitious and don't have goals, MOM?)

The happiest day of my life was the day I got my first cellphone. (Sorry, kids. You're a very close second. Or maybe even a tie.) I could take my phone with me. I was no longer confined to the boundaries of a land line... I was mobile.

It was like, "I can drive and talk on the phone? Ohhh myyyy GODDDDD! Who needs a man!"

When the law came around and stopped me from talking and texting while driving I was okay with that... I mean, that's why God invented Bluetooth, am I right? Because you can't give me a phone that works in my car and then tell me I can't use it. I'm pretty sure that's a complete violation of the 8th Amendment.

(Sidebar: I had to google this info, fyi, because I wasn't sure which amendment it was. So I typed in 'law against cruel and inhumane punishment' and one of the things that came up was "Law Against Sagging Pants." Now that I know there's a law against sagging pants, I plan on making quite a few citizen's arrests. PULL YOUR PANTS UP, KID! JESUS!)

Here's what it says about the 8th Amendment, from the anals of Congress (annals, anals,.. same thing): ''No cruel and unusual punishment is to be inflicted; it is sometimes necessary to hang a man, villains often deserve whipping, and perhaps having their ears cut off; but are we in the future to be prevented from inflicting these punishments because they are cruel? If a more lenient mode of correcting vice and deterring others from the commission of it would be invented, it would be very prudent in the Legislature to adopt it; but until we have some security that this will be done, we ought not to be restrained from making necessary laws by any declaration of this kind.''

Right?

And I'm pretty sure that means "Don't give a girl a phone that she can talk on while she's driving and then tell her she can't use it because otherwise, someone's going to lose an ear or get a whipping. Or swing from the neck til dead."

(That's how I interpret it, anyway.)

So today, for some reason, my CELLPHONE ISN'T WORKING. This is making me feel all loud and stabby and like TYPING IN ALL CAPS. I have the battery out and will recharge in a minute but I'm telling you all HERE AND NOW: If this matter does not resolve itself SOON, Verizon will have some 'splainin' to do. And where I come from? 'Splainin' means "GIVE ME A GODDAMN PHONE THAT WORKS, STAT!"

*withdrawals*

*dt's*

*pain and suffering*

*whimper*

*get me a rope and some ear removers*

WHAT IF SOMETHING IS HAPPENING ON FACEBOOK RIGHT THIS SECOND AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT?

I may never be the same.

Dear Dani,

Love,

Verizon