Except it didn't happen that way.
He settled in comfortably and pressed his backside against me. At that exact moment, Maisy (the pug extraordinaire) scrambled out from under the covers where she was sleeping, stepped on my face, used my forehead as a launch pad and shot her stocky little body towards the bedroom window, barking like an idiot.
I started to swear at her but stopped, harkening to a faint sound in the distance that grew louder and louder as it came closer and closer.
"gobblegobblegobblegobble gobblegobblegobblegobble gobblegobblegobblegobble gobblegobblegobblegobble..."
Dan sat up.
I sat up.
Javi cowered like a girl under the covers.
Dan: "What the fuck?"
Me: "Holy Mother of God! It sounds like a herd of turkeys is about to fly into our house!"
I jumped out of bed and ran to the window to look outside and what to my wondering eye did appear but a HUGE flock of geese flying so low and so close to our apartment that it looked as if they were getting ready to land.
It was truly an Alfred Hitchcock moment.
 |
| Except with geese. |
Dan: "Seriously, Dani?"
Me: "Yes! Oh my God! Look how low they're flying!"
Dan: "Seriously, Dani?"
Me: "Yes! Seriously! Come look!"
Dan: "TURKEYS DON'T FLY."
Me:
Dan:
Me: "Turkeys, geese, whatever. They sound like turkeys!"
Dan: "Except they're not, Dani. They are not turkeys. And they never will be."
Me: "Okay fine, geese. God."
Dan: "I thought you were supposed to be really smart."
Fucker.
Why do I keep doing that?? I swear to all that is holy I never mistook a goose for a turkey in California.
I swear those assholes are gobbling just to make me look stupid.
 |
| Idiot. |
I'm pretty sure they're doing it on purpose.
Assholes.
 |
| Gobble gobble, bitch. |
Geese are assholes.
ReplyDeleteIt's clear what you must do- either you need to be hypnotically retrained to believe that geese honk instead of gobble, or (and this is my personal pick), you need to hypnotically train Dan to believe that geese are cows, and follow every honk with, "Damn, that steak smells good!"
ReplyDeletePoor Dani ... Clearly New York is NOT good for you. Return to the Redwood Coast of California ... AS SOON AS POSSIBLE ...
ReplyDeleteA bird's a bird. Gobble, honk, ca-caw, whatever. Dan is so literal :-)
ReplyDeleteI told you the geese were coming for him, honey. You just forgot, right? Evidently they have decided that haunting is the way to go. They don't seem particularly bright, and possibly that's why they are making turkey sounds...unless it's just to fool Dan into complacency before they make their big move.
ReplyDeleteDoes it make a difference what the birds are when they're about to crash into your house and eff up your life?!?! I think not.
ReplyDeleteThe only good birds are the ones deep fried and served with mashed potatoes and gravy. Otherwise they're just the devil with feathers.
ReplyDeleteI must now confess that the other day when one of my kids asked me if turkeys flew, I was momentarily stumped...to make matters more ridiculous, I think my answer was that they "sort of ran and jumped".
ReplyDeleteI think it is safe to assume from now on that any sound you hear that sounds even remotely like a bird, is a goose. They obviously have it out for you. They are coming for you, Dani. Look out.
ReplyDelete