Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

01 December 2011

Messing with Sasquatch

"Who is it?"

Dan is deaf.  Seriously.  There is simply no nice way to put it, no politically correct way to ease into it... My man can't hear worth shit. It's partially due to a congenital defect in his eustachian tube (I do so love tossing in big ol' medical words, cuz it makes me feel all smart n shit), which in turn created extreme scarring in his ear drums.  Add to that his complete inability to listen unless the conversation is about him, mix in cranking up his music too loudly as a teen and working with very loud power equipment without the benefit of ear protection as an adult and what's left is a large man who says "What?" all the time and asks a LOT of questions.  A LOT.

It is a HUGE.  PAIN.  In my ASS.   

Me:  *speaking in a normal tone of voice*

Dan:  "WHAT?"

Me:  *repeating myself a little louder*

Dan:  "WHAT??"

And so on.

Now comes the twist:

Captain Asperger can't stand to NOT KNOW who is on the other end of the phone.  It drives him CRAZY.  If a phone is ringing, he HAS TO ANSWER IT.  

But did he stop everything for a ringing phone??

I won't go into detail (well, too much detail, anyway) about some of the things Dan has stopped doing in order to answer a ringing phone, but suffice it to say, it's left me annoyed.  Okay, furious.  

A week or so ago we were taking a shower together.  (Let's say, for the benefit of all of you who might be related to me, especially my children, that we were fully clothed and merely washing up at the same time.  Mmmmkay?)  

The phone rang.

Dan was out of the shower, covered in soap, leaving sloppy wet sudsy footprints from the bathroom to the livingroom before I could say "They'll leave a message."  

It was his mother.

He stood there, dripping and naked, and talked to her for 10 minutes.

I was out of the shower, dry, dressed, and doing my hair by the time he got off the phone.  Then we had the following conversation:

Dan:  *looking perplexed and puppy-doggish*  "Why did you get out of the shower?  Why didn't you wait for me?"


Dan:  "But it was my mom..."

Funny Apology Ecard: I'm sorry you found my normal behavior to be highly inappropriate.



So when the phone rings and Dan is in the other room and I answer it, his curiosity just about kills him.  


He will stop whatever he's doing and start following me around the house, making hand gestures and mouthing at me, "Who is it?"

Me:  *ignoring him and making a "go away" motion with my hand*

Dan:  "But who is it?"

Me:  *shaking my head at him and holding up one finger in the nationally recognized "wait just a fucking minute" gesture*

Dan:  *waving his hands and mouthing*  "Who IS it?"

Me: *turning my back on him*

Dan:  *poking me and making exaggerated "who is it" motions*

Me:  *flapping my hand in his face and glaring*

Dan:  "Dani."

Me:  *ignoreignoreignoreignore*

Dan:  "DANI."

Me:  *ignoreignoreignoreignore*

Person on the other end of the phone, usually a friend of mine:  "Oh for God's sake, just tell him who it is!"

Me:  "No."

Dan:  *practically wetting himself with anxiety*  "DANI!"

Me:  *ignoreignoreignoreignore*

Dan:  "DANI!!"

Me:  *finally giving in because otherwise, I'm going to kill him*  "IT'S NOT FOR YOU!!!"

Dan:  *seriously*  "Did you say 'snot'?"



  1. My god... I used to have an ex that could not ignore his phone. On a date? "Sorry, I have to take this." At the movies? "I've been expecting this call." Having sex? "Hi, grand mama! How are things?"

    When *I* was on the phone? "You're not being very attentive." Let's just say that the last words of the relationship were, "Die in a fire, you ignoble worm."

    Never in my life did I have more desire to be Madame Mandi with a spiked mace as my signature role play weapon.

  2. Sometimes I don't answer the phone just to make him a little bit crazy. When my cell rings and I ignore it he dances around saying, "Answer it! Answer it!" When I hit the "ignore" button and the call goes to voicemail, a tiny piece of him dies.


  3. Hee, I love Dan stories.

    Perhaps to a certain extent the phone thing is a MALE thing. I have convinced my husband, by throwing big ass hissy fits, that he does not need to answer every call and text he receives. Especially since most of them come from his dumb friends, who say things like, "You're a pussy." To which he will laugh like it's the funniest thing in the world. Why on earth would you send a text like that? Anyway, he's pretty good about ignoring his phone, until I walk out of the room and then he's all over it.

    But, if my phone rings, he will dig it out of my purse and hand it to me, even if I say I'll check it later, and he will tell me to answer it and look annoyed when I don't. Maybe they're all Sasquatches.

  4. OMG... Dan thinks the funniest text in the world is "You suck." If I'm texting one of my kids he will say, "Who is it?" I will say, "Kacey or Brennan or Shea" and he will say, EVERY TIME, "Tell him I said he sucks." Yeah, sure... I'll get right on that.


    Maybe it is a guy thing. I always thought it was a Dan Asperger thing. Drives me up a freaking wall.

  5. You have the patience of a saint. I would have killed him by now. I hate the phone and ingnore the crap out of it. And if someone stopped in the middle of sexy time, err, um, completely clothed non-sexy wash up time (for Dani's kids) to answer a phone, they would no longer have the ability to procreate. Just saying. Saint.

  6. OH MAN my dad does that to my family and its SO ANNOYING. Perhaps multiple caller ID phones (the cordless ones where you can see who is calling on the phone itself) would help?

  7. My parents have this orb type of thing that displays who is calling and other messages, but that would really spoil the fun, I guess! Hey, I gave you a Liebster Award today!

  8. That was my children. They're nosey. My answer to that question was always a resounding NUNYER...

  9. You poor girl, that would drive me batshit crazy!


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