Messing with Sasquatch

"Who is it?"

Dan is deaf.  Seriously.  There is simply no nice way to put it, no politically correct way to ease into it... My man can't hear worth shit. It's partially due to a congenital defect in his eustachian tube (I do so love tossing in big ol' medical words, cuz it makes me feel all smart n shit), which in turn created extreme scarring in his ear drums.  Add to that his complete inability to listen unless the conversation is about him, mix in cranking up his music too loudly as a teen and working with very loud power equipment without the benefit of ear protection as an adult and what's left is a large man who says "What?" all the time and asks a LOT of questions.  A LOT.

It is a HUGE.  PAIN.  In my ASS.   

Me:  *speaking in a normal tone of voice*

Dan:  "WHAT?"

Me:  *repeating myself a little louder*

Dan:  "WHAT??"

And so on.

Now comes the twist:

Captain Asperger can't stand to NOT KNOW who is on the other end of the phone.  It drives him CRAZY.  If a phone is ringing, he HAS TO ANSWER IT.  

But did he stop everything for a ringing phone??

I won't go into detail (well, too much detail, anyway) about some of the things Dan has stopped doing in order to answer a ringing phone, but suffice it to say, it's left me annoyed.  Okay, furious.  

A week or so ago we were taking a shower together.  (Let's say, for the benefit of all of you who might be related to me, especially my children, that we were fully clothed and merely washing up at the same time.  Mmmmkay?)  

The phone rang.

Dan was out of the shower, covered in soap, leaving sloppy wet sudsy footprints from the bathroom to the livingroom before I could say "They'll leave a message."  

It was his mother.

He stood there, dripping and naked, and talked to her for 10 minutes.

I was out of the shower, dry, dressed, and doing my hair by the time he got off the phone.  Then we had the following conversation:

Dan:  *looking perplexed and puppy-doggish*  "Why did you get out of the shower?  Why didn't you wait for me?"

Me:  

Dan:  "But it was my mom..."

Yeah.

Anyway.

So when the phone rings and Dan is in the other room and I answer it, his curiosity just about kills him.  

KILLS.  HIM.

He will stop whatever he's doing and start following me around the house, making hand gestures and mouthing at me, "Who is it?"

Me:  *ignoring him and making a "go away" motion with my hand*

Dan:  "But who is it?"

Me:  *shaking my head at him and holding up one finger in the nationally recognized "wait just a fucking minute" gesture*

Dan:  *waving his hands and mouthing*  "Who IS it?"

Me: *turning my back on him*

Dan:  *poking me and making exaggerated "who is it" motions*

Me:  *flapping my hand in his face and glaring*

Dan:  "Dani."

Me:  *ignoreignoreignoreignore*

Dan:  "DANI."

Me:  *ignoreignoreignoreignore*

Person on the other end of the phone, usually a friend of mine:  "Oh for God's sake, just tell him who it is!"

Me:  "No."

Dan:  *practically wetting himself with anxiety*  "DANI!"

Me:  *ignoreignoreignoreignore*

Dan:  "DANI!!"

Me:  *finally giving in because otherwise, I'm going to kill him*  "IT'S NOT FOR YOU!!!"

Dan:  *seriously*  "Did you say 'snot'?"

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!