Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

31 December 2011

Freeze Frame

Whenever I take a backwards glance at my life, the moments that always stand out are the ones in which I'm completely humiliated.  What this leads me to believe is that I actually HAVE no crowning achievements, but instead have behind me a stellar list of Reasons To Never Leave The House Again.

Ah, if only I'd listen to myself.

I was watching Dr. Phil and apparently he asks his guests to list the 10 Moments in their lives that left an impact.

All of my 10 moments actually WERE moments of impact, during which I'd tripped and fallen in front of an audience of thousands.  

I need to have this tatooed on my forehead. 

Okay, that's not entirely true:  There was also the moment in which I sat on a steak knife.  Technically, while the impact of my pile-driving ass on the blade shoved the knife directly into my right buttcheek, it was more of a flinging of myself than an actual falling.

Erase erase erase... that was NOT a good night.

Moving right along...

For some reason (probably because it's New Year's Eve) I had a flashback today of another New Year's Eve that took place a mere 25 or 30 (okay, 30) years ago:

Picture it:  December 31, 1981, Turlock, California.

I'm wearing bright red pants, a glittery gold sweater, stiletto heels, and God help us all, a headband ala Pat Benetar (because I also had her hair).

Like this, only 18, drunk, and stupid.  

I'm at a party.

I'm drunk off my ass.

I'm having a brilliant dialogue with a super hunk in which I laugh, sparkle, and flirt.

The hunk is smitten.

He follows me around for a time as I continue to delight him with my charm, intelligence, grace, and humor.

We're both laughing hysterically at something drop-dead HILARIOUS that I had said.  I take a huge swig of my drink and choke on a cigarette butt.

*sound of time screeching to a halt*

What's that you say?  You choked on a cigarette butt?  How the hell?

There are only two possible answers to this question, as the cigarette butt in question was mine.

(Back in the day I smoked Virginia Slims Menthol Lights.  Because it was cool.  Right?)

How on EARTH could one choke on one's own butt?

1.  I either took a giant swig of my drink while I was still smoking


2.  It fell out of my mouth at some point and landed in my drink.

There is honestly no other scenario.

Needless to say, the hunk wandered off shortly thereafter and I never saw him again.  (Except recently, on Facebook.  Should I send him a friend request or assume that ship has sailed?  Decisions, decisions.)

So yeah... looking beyond falling down only leads to more moments of humiliation, during which I remain upright but still manage to look like an ass.

When I imagine looking like an ass, this is kind of what comes to mind.  I don't know why.

Or this... 

I actually have nightmares about this happening to me... 


Okay, not an ass but I need to know:  Is that her BOOB hanging out the bottom of her dress??

Apparently I got distracted while googling "big asses"...

Wait... What was I talking about, again??

Happy New Year!!!


  1. Hahhaahahahha I can't stop laughing at the cigarette butt choking incident. Maaaaaaan, that sounds awful/hilarious.

  2. Why must you keep doing that to my eyes? Why, for the love of all that is holy, why????? And why don't I expect it when I come here at this point. A sickness. That's what it is. Clearly.

    Happy New Year to you as well, my dear!!

  3. IT'S A SICKNESS!!! I can't seem to help myself. Gia, I'm so glad my humiliation brings you happiness...

    Remind me sometime to tell you about the time I went shopping with a panty liner stuck to my pant leg.


  4. Honestly, haven't we ALL choked on our own cigs at one time or another? The burning (LOL) question on my mind is the name of the hunk and only because we pretty much knew the same hunks.
    BTW, I too rocked headbands but coupled with with outta control permed long locks.
    (lighter in hand and lit) ROCK ON PAT BENATAR! ROCK ON!
    Oh, and Happy New Year!

  5. Dana, Dana, Dana... I'm almost embarrassed to tell you. I'm going to play a guessing game with you: We were in the same class as his sister, she was a cheerleader, one of our friends, and had a wicked bi-lateral lisp. He was two years older than us, I believe... and was smokin' freakin' hawt. HAWT.

  6. Oh, and Pat Benetar is a ROCK GODDESS. It is written.

  7. P.S. The party was at Guch's house, circa 1981... were you there???

  8. Oh Dani. I am amazed at your never ending supply of large women in thongs photos!

    Happy New Year!


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