Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

31 December 2011

Freeze Frame

Whenever I take a backwards glance at my life, the moments that always stand out are the ones in which I'm completely humiliated.  What this leads me to believe is that I actually HAVE no crowning achievements, but instead have behind me a stellar list of Reasons To Never Leave The House Again.

Ah, if only I'd listen to myself.

I was watching Dr. Phil and apparently he asks his guests to list the 10 Moments in their lives that left an impact.

All of my 10 moments actually WERE moments of impact, during which I'd tripped and fallen in front of an audience of thousands.  

I need to have this tatooed on my forehead. 

Okay, that's not entirely true:  There was also the moment in which I sat on a steak knife.  Technically, while the impact of my pile-driving ass on the blade shoved the knife directly into my right buttcheek, it was more of a flinging of myself than an actual falling.

Erase erase erase... that was NOT a good night.

Moving right along...

For some reason (probably because it's New Year's Eve) I had a flashback today of another New Year's Eve that took place a mere 25 or 30 (okay, 30) years ago:

Picture it:  December 31, 1981, Turlock, California.

I'm wearing bright red pants, a glittery gold sweater, stiletto heels, and God help us all, a headband ala Pat Benetar (because I also had her hair).

Like this, only 18, drunk, and stupid.  

I'm at a party.

I'm drunk off my ass.

I'm having a brilliant dialogue with a super hunk in which I laugh, sparkle, and flirt.

The hunk is smitten.

He follows me around for a time as I continue to delight him with my charm, intelligence, grace, and humor.

We're both laughing hysterically at something drop-dead HILARIOUS that I had said.  I take a huge swig of my drink and choke on a cigarette butt.

*sound of time screeching to a halt*

What's that you say?  You choked on a cigarette butt?  How the hell?

There are only two possible answers to this question, as the cigarette butt in question was mine.

(Back in the day I smoked Virginia Slims Menthol Lights.  Because it was cool.  Right?)

How on EARTH could one choke on one's own butt?

1.  I either took a giant swig of my drink while I was still smoking


2.  It fell out of my mouth at some point and landed in my drink.

There is honestly no other scenario.

Needless to say, the hunk wandered off shortly thereafter and I never saw him again.  (Except recently, on Facebook.  Should I send him a friend request or assume that ship has sailed?  Decisions, decisions.)

So yeah... looking beyond falling down only leads to more moments of humiliation, during which I remain upright but still manage to look like an ass.

When I imagine looking like an ass, this is kind of what comes to mind.  I don't know why.

Or this... 

I actually have nightmares about this happening to me... 


Okay, not an ass but I need to know:  Is that her BOOB hanging out the bottom of her dress??

Apparently I got distracted while googling "big asses"...

Wait... What was I talking about, again??

Happy New Year!!!