Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

30 December 2011

New Year's Revolution

Dear 2011,

Funny Breakup Ecard: I'd love to stay at chat, but you're a raging douchebag.

Why did you have to be such an asshole?  Seriously... I gave you one of the best years of my LIFE.

Meanwhile, you failed me in the following ways:

1.  I'm still fat... what the fuck? We had a DEAL.

2.  I'm still unemployed... and I blame YOU.  I'm also sending you all my bills.

3.  Another year older... 49?  Are you freaking kidding me?  I thought we agreed on 39.  

4.  Why am I still not exercising regularly?  I demand a reason.

I mean, really... I didn't ask for much.  I made my list of Things To Change In 2011.  I checked it twice.  I even stuck it on the fridge with magnets and glanced at it once or twice while I was rooting through the refrigerator for snacks, but that's entirely beside the point.  The POINT was to hang it on the fridge to REMIND me as I was rooting for snacks to EAT A FREAKING APPLE INSTEAD OF A POUND OF CHEESE.

REMEMBER?  So while I was snarfing down on creamy deliciousness, where the hell were YOU?  I'll TELL you where you were... you were hanging out with that whore, Kim Kardashian.

What... you thought I didn't know?

You really let me down, 2011.  

I thought we had something, you and I.  But it turns out you were just another year for me to be fat, lazy, and unemployed in.  

I threw all your shit out on the lawn and am filing for divorce.  I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but I'm moving in with 2012.  

Together, we are staging a coup against the following things:

1.  Fatness

I love having choices.

2.  Poorness


3.  Unemployedness

So HIRE ME, dammit!!

4.  Laziness

5.  Turning 50-ness.  I swear to God that will NOT HAPPEN.

Fuck off, 50.

Viva la Revolucion!!!

Yo quiero Taco Bell!




  1. hahahah the first cat pic is totes me, just replace "basket" with "pants."

    the lazy one is a pretty good description of me, as well. and the poor one. wow. this whole post hits pretty close to home.

  2. Well, you did better than me, I don't even know where my 2011 list IS (probably next to my 2010 and '09 lists, those bastards).

    And, I had a deal with 2011 about no more birthdays too. What's up with that? I meant I didn't want to get any older, and 11 thought I just didn't want to celebrate my birthday, so he sent Jehovah Witnesses to my door every week. I guess we need to be more specific with 2012!

  3. Yeah, that bitch can fuck right the hell off. And I definitely need a bigger basket! Well, maybe less snacks a well. Damn. But yeah, I'm ready for a good damn year. Let's get on that, 2012.

  4. According to the Mayan Calendar, we're all gonna DIIIIIIIIIIE in 2012. This makes me wonder if I should rethink my revolutionary stance and just sit on my ass and eat myself into a stupor, know what I'm sayin'?

  5. My plan for 2012: 1)Stay fat by eating all the junk food I can get my chubby little hands on. 2) do as little as possible that isn't absolutely fun for me. 3) play with Grandbaby 4).....nope that's it, just the 3. Wow, I'm really going to try and do a better job of sticking to my resolution this year....

  6. Oh, hell....I forgot all about that Mayan calendar ends in December of this year and I haven't made any Apocolypse plans at ALL.
    Years suck.
    On the other hand, I'm really likin' Grammy's resolutions, and I might just move in with her.

  7. Haha this was awesome. Better luck this year I suppose.

  8. I can't make a list for the year! I have enough trouble committing to the,daily ones! I hope you and 2012 are happy together!


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!