Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

30 December 2011

New Year's Revolution

Dear 2011,

Funny Breakup Ecard: I'd love to stay at chat, but you're a raging douchebag.

Why did you have to be such an asshole?  Seriously... I gave you one of the best years of my LIFE.

Meanwhile, you failed me in the following ways:

1.  I'm still fat... what the fuck? We had a DEAL.

2.  I'm still unemployed... and I blame YOU.  I'm also sending you all my bills.

3.  Another year older... 49?  Are you freaking kidding me?  I thought we agreed on 39.  

4.  Why am I still not exercising regularly?  I demand a reason.

I mean, really... I didn't ask for much.  I made my list of Things To Change In 2011.  I checked it twice.  I even stuck it on the fridge with magnets and glanced at it once or twice while I was rooting through the refrigerator for snacks, but that's entirely beside the point.  The POINT was to hang it on the fridge to REMIND me as I was rooting for snacks to EAT A FREAKING APPLE INSTEAD OF A POUND OF CHEESE.

REMEMBER?  So while I was snarfing down on creamy deliciousness, where the hell were YOU?  I'll TELL you where you were... you were hanging out with that whore, Kim Kardashian.

What... you thought I didn't know?

You really let me down, 2011.  

I thought we had something, you and I.  But it turns out you were just another year for me to be fat, lazy, and unemployed in.  

I threw all your shit out on the lawn and am filing for divorce.  I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but I'm moving in with 2012.  

Together, we are staging a coup against the following things:

1.  Fatness

I love having choices.

2.  Poorness


3.  Unemployedness

So HIRE ME, dammit!!

4.  Laziness

5.  Turning 50-ness.  I swear to God that will NOT HAPPEN.

Fuck off, 50.

Viva la Revolucion!!!

Yo quiero Taco Bell!