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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

16 January 2012

Dumbassery Du Jour






This has been one of those days.

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache that morphed into a migraine before I even got my coffee started.  

For breakfast I had two Tylenol, two Advil, and two cups of coffee.  

That's never a good sign.

But wait... there's less!



Since Dan went to work in dirty socks (because I haven't done laundry in like, days) I figured if I didn't get anything else done today, I should at least wash the man's socks.  I dumped a bunch of darks into the washing machine, filled the cap with Tide, sloshed some onto my finger...

and licked it off.

What.  The FUCK.

As my tongue was landing in the blue goo that was dripping down my hand, alarm bells started clanging in my head while my common sense screamed, "ABORT!  ABORT MISSION!  ABORT!"  

Danger, Dani!  Danger!!

I ran to the sink, spit until I was deeply dehydrated, rinsed my mouth 5647948373 times, brushed my teeth, spit a few more times, scrubbed my tongue with a wash cloth, and briefly wondered if I was going to die.

WHO FREAKING DOES THAT?







Dear Dani,

Remember all the years that you made fun of your mother for that one time that she unthinkingly licked the spoon after mixing up wet dog food with dry dog food?  You had at least 35 years of hearty guffaws at her expense regarding that one incident.  Who's laughing now?

Love,

Karma


Eventually, several cups of coffee later, I determined that death was not imminent. I managed to get dressed and get another load going without incident.  That amazing fete was short lived, however, because then?

This happened while I was making the bed.  (Which just proves that what I've always thought about making the bed was true:  It's stupid.  Because you're just going to climb back in it and mess that shit up again.)

I pulled up the sheet and the blankets, then pulled up the bedspread.  Rather than walking around to the other side of the bed to straighten everything out (ittttt's toooooo farrrrrrrrr!), I decided to fling myself ON to the bed and just straighten it out from THAT angle.  I have no idea what went wrong, as it's all kind of a blur, but somehow my execution didn't quite go as planned, because I literally flung myself right off the bed.  

I thought I would catch myself before I went over but seemingly lost my balance from a prone position (???  How??? HOW???) and wound up with my head and shoulders smooshed onto the floor with my feet kicking uselessly above my head.

The dogs were ecstatic.

Long story short, I couldn't pull myself back up on the bed so I had to roll the rest of me off, which caused Javi and Maisy to dance around my head with glee, barking and licking and panting happily in my face.  I laid on the floor for a few minutes, pondering life and the meaning therein, while Maisy dropped her wet and smelly stuffed hedgehog on my cheek, obviously assuming I was down there strictly for her amusement.

My one and only moment of enlightenment occurred when I thought to myself, from my vantage point of the bedroom floor, "Jesus, that's a lot of friggin' dog hair around the baseboards..."


Oh, shut up.  And bite me.
Being the eternal optimist that I've always been, half an hour later I was in the kitchen belting out loudly and off-key, "I will survive!  Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive..."

Five seconds later I heard The Awesome One leaving his apartment with several other members of Team Awesome, who were up partying til dawn, singing obnoxiously, "I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give, I will survive... I will survive..."

Fuckers.

(Okay, this may or may not have happened last night:  Dan and I came home late from Dan's niece's birthday party.  As we were tromping into the hallway, Mr. Awesome opened his apartment door and said, "Hey!  It was really great meeting your son!  He's pretty cool!"

Me:  "He's awesome!"

Dan:  *dirty look at me*  "I'm glad you got to meet him.  He's a good kid."

Mr. Awesome:  "Yeah, I invited him in for a few minutes just to talk to him... Man, he's lucky to be stationed out there in San Diego!"

Me:  "Because San Diego is awesome."

Mr. Awesome:  *either not noticing that I was amusing the hell out of myself or deciding to ignore it*  "I was in Cali for a couple of months during some training.  I was at Pendleton and loved it out there."

Me:  "That's because California is awesome."

Dan:  *shoving me up the stairs to get my head out of the doorway and hopefully shut me up*  "How long were you out there?"

Mr. Awesome:  "Only two months, but I went every where I could on the weekends.  I loved it out there."

Me:  "Was it aaa..."

Dan:  *rudely interrupting*  "Cool!  Talk to you later, man!"

On second thought, that qualifies as Douchebaggery, not Dumbassery.  My bad.  Never mind.)

Moving right along...

I'd earned a break, after my morning of face planting, detergent licking, and douchebag roulette, so I filled a glass with ice, poured in some Diet Pepsi, and sat down with the doggies to watch the episode of Snapped! I'd recorded last night.

At the exact moment that I brought the cup to my lips to take a gulp of my soda, the ice, which had apparently frozen together at the bottom of the glass, burst upwards and smacked me in the teeth.  A fizzy, cold burst of diet Pepsi shot up my nose and down my front, making me feel as though I'd stuck my face into Old Faithful at Go Time.

As I sat there holding my cup, coughing and spluttering and wiping soda off my chin, I finally came to this conclusion:




whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch








24 comments:

  1. My god, I laughed so hard that I think I'm having another aneurysm...

    Also, "Dropped her wet, smelly stuffed hedgehog on my face" sounds like a really dirty euphemism for something else entirely, but my head hurts too much to figure out what.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dirty euphamisms for "wet, smelly stuffed hedgehog..."

      I got nothin'.

      xo

      Delete
  2. OMG! I have never laughed at one of your blogs as much as I laughed at this one. I know it's horrible for you, but it's amazingly entertaining for me. I truly love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that my suffering brings you such joy! I love you more <3

      Delete
  3. Hahahaha. Go back to bed. Seriously. The day probably isn't going to get any better for you at this point....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No disasters since the Pepsi in face incident, but the night is still young... Plenty of time for a meteor to land on me!! (I'm nothing if not optimistic.)

      xo

      Delete
  4. I am dying here across the lake. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're dying in sympathy for me, right? Right? Because you feel soooo sorry for me and my tale or woe.

      I just know it.

      //madlove

      Delete
  5. My wish for you is that you have not stepped into the movie Groundhog Day where you will keep playing this out until it all goes right!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been living in Groundhog Day for 49 years... truest freaking story ever. I'm sure there's another Dani in a Parallel Universe who is looking at bruises on her legs and holding up spare socks in the drier thinking, "WTF?" while the rest of her day goes swimmingly. At least that's what i tell myself.

      Delete
  6. I smiled a lot, maybe even a bunch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smiling bunches is good :) I heard it adds years to your life.

      Delete
  7. I did some research and it appears that the "moon and elephant" session is a fake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm relieved yet disappointed to hear that.

      Delete
  8. "The dogs were ecstatic."

    Hahahahahaha! Of course they were, why else would you be face first on the floor, if not to play with them?

    You have truly outdone yourself today. I do believe it's cocktail time for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If nothing else, at least I made my dogs happy. I'm a giver.

      Delete
  9. Damn, woman. You know your ass needs your own reality show, right? I would watch the shit out of that! I can only imagine how entertaining it would be to see it live. You are a riot. Try not to injure yourself, ok? I sorta like having you around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I had a film crew following me around all day I'd probably trip over them and wind up with a camera lens embedded somewhere embarrassing. And that would be the highlighted moment of the week that would be previewed every 5 minutes. And then I would die of humiliation. Or not. It would depend on how much they paid me.
      Apparently I'm as much of a fame whore as the Kardashians.

      Delete
  10. "head and shoulders smooshed onto the floor with my feet kicking uselessly above my head" *SNORT!* Great. Mental. Friggin'. Picture.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Now picture a pug and a pommie dancing on top of my head, and the visual will be complete! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  12. I cannot stop laughing (especially at the letter from Karma)! Thanks for brightening my day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Karma contacts me frequently. We have a love/hate relationship.

      <3

      Delete
  13. Ohhhhhhh, noes! What a comedy of errors (or error of comedies, as the case may be).

    And how bizarre is it that Mr. Awesome and Company know the freakin' words to I Will Survive? Isn't The Awesome One in his 30s, or have I misinferred? Still, chick song coming from guys is giving me a huge-ass giggle-fest!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Team Awesome is in their 20s, Deb!!! I admit to being extremely impressed that they knew the words, but then again, so do MY boys. I blame it on the fact that this is one of those songs that will never, never die.

      Delete

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