Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

18 January 2012

Fascinating! Innovative! Edgy!!

Misty, from the hilarious blog Misty's Laws suggested that due to the number of times I fall on my ass, lick laundry soap off of my hand, or make a giant public ass out of myself, I should star in my own reality show.

Being the not-so-secret fame whore that I've always been, I thought that might actually be a fabulous idea.

(Sidebar:  Totally embarrassing but also totally true story:  My senior year in high school, we had an assignment in English to write a paper listing all of our Life Goals following graduation.  One of my Life Goals, that I actually wrote down and turned in, was "Make the cover of the National Enquirer."  Not Time Magazine, not even freaking PEOPLE magazine, but the National Enquirer.  I had such lofty ambition.)

Just to see how fascinating I actually am, I mentally followed myself around yesterday with an imaginary film crew.

The highlights of my day were thus:

1.  Dani wanders aimlessly around her extremely freaking teeeensy apartment in her Betty Boop pajama pants and an enormous pink sweatshirt, complete with coffee stains and dog hair, while she waits for her coffee to brew, because she didn't get the fancy-pants Keurig coffee maker that she sooo dreams of for Christmas.  She trips repeatedly over the prancing little black Pomeranian who won't back the fuck up and get out from between her feet.  Oooh... now she's bribing him with Pupperoni because his doggy happiness is starting to piss her right the hell off.  Her scintillating dialog goes something like this:  "Jesus, Javi, knock it off!  Get out from between my feet or I'm going to step on you!  Javi!  Cut it out!  I'm gonna boot your fluffy little ass right across the room if you don't chill the fuck out!"

2.  Dani wanders aimlessly around her extremely freaking teeeensy apartment in her yoga pants (because she's too lazy for real pants) and Dan's enormous gray Kum n Go sweatshirt, complete with diet Pepsi stains and dog hair, while she procrastinates about getting anything done.  Even the Pomeranian is over it.

Classy, yes?

3.  Ooh... she's on the move!  Dogs are on leashes and she's ready to go outside for her daily walk!  Dani refuses to acknowledge that even though it's sunnyyyyy outside, it's still freaking cold.  She toodles outside in 12 degree weather wearing yoga pants, a sweatshirt (yes, she actually left the house in that sweatshirt) and Uggs.  The dogs refuse to get off the porch because they're not idiots and they actually do realize that it's too damn cold to play outside while she stands there and turns blue, cajoling them.  What a wimp... she's losing a battle of wits against a 4 lb Pom and a 15 lb Pug.  Her gaze hones in on the 2 foot long icicle that is hanging directly over her head.  Her face registers shock and fear as she recollects reading somewhere about people being killed by plummeting icicles.  You can actually see the movie reel playing in her head as she pictures herself flat on her back with a giant icicle sticking out of her chest.  She contemplates her mortality and finally does what the dogs knew needed to be done all along:  She goes back inside, where she gives her spoiled rotten dogs a treat, even though they didn't do anything, actively disobeyed her, and kicked her ass in a game of Chicken.

4.  Dani sits on the couch and watches Dr. Phil, wondering if this is going to be a changing day in her life.   It isn't.

Really, Robin?  Is there something we don't know?

5.  Ooh... now she's cooking hotdogs and rice!!!  Move over, Rachael Freaking Ray... it's ON like Donkey Kong, bitch!

6.  Dan is home.  Crap.

7.  Dani is eating sugar cookies while watching Biggest Loser and heckling the fatties who are all crying and sobbing and "sharing their feelings."  Suck it up, you big girls!

Dear Me, You are beautiful!  You are strong!  You are the sexiest thing on two feet!  Love, Me

8.  AND... bedtime.  Dani tosses and turns all night, gets up 15 times to pee, and never once falls asleep.  Let's count how many times she kicks, nudges, and shoves Dan while bellowing, "You're snoring!  Oh my GOD!  KNOCK IT OFFFFFFF!!!  YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE GARGLING SNOT!!  GAHHHHHHHH!!!  ARGHHHHHH!!!!"  She records him with her cellphone so that she can play it back to him in the morning, because she's a giver like that. Not to mention the fact that she's also bored out of her flipping mind, just lying there not sleeping.  Wait... is she actually getting up to pee again?

Dudes, this is fascinating shit.  Sister Wives and the Kardashians got nothin' on me.

Move over, bitches... there's a new sheriff in town.