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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

19 January 2012

Pet Peevages







Dear Paula Deen,

I challenge you to get through one damn sentence without saying "y'all."  Heck, sometimes you toss in three or four y'alls, just in case we didn't catch the first two.  I get that it's supposed to be all Southern and homey and folksy and all that shit, but it's not.  It's fucking annoying.  I can't handle watching your show because of an almost uncontrollable urge to take your beloved butter and shove it down your throat, just so that you can't talk.  
Please fix immediately.

Love,

Dani

P.S.

For a while, you almost ruined butter for me, because the way you say it skeeves me out.  Thank GOD I got over it.  Because that?  Would have been unforgivable.






Dear Volkswagon,


We need to discuss your new barking dog commercial.
What.
Were.
You.
Thinking??
If I were in the market to buy a car and was seriously considering buying a Volkswagon, this commercial would send me straight over to freaking Toyota because it's that fucking annoying.  
Every time it comes on I have to scramble to hit the mute button because it triggers a cacophony of barks, yaps, and howls within my own living room that inevitably results in this pointless and stupid conversation:


Commercial:  "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark bark bark! Bark bark bark!"
Maisy:  "Roooof!  Raff!  GrrrrrrrrrRARF!  ARF!"
Javi:  "YAP!  YAP!"
Me:  "SHUTTUP!"
Dan:  *from the other room*  "What are they barking at?"
Me:  "That damn Volkswagon commercial with the freaking dogs."
Dan:  "What?"
Me:  "The Volkswagon commercial with the barking dogs!"
Maisy:  "ARFARFARFARFARF!"
Javi:  "YAP!  YAP!"
Dan:  "WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY BARKING AT?"
Me:  "THAT VOLKSWAGON COMMERCIAL WITH THE BARKING DOGS!"
Dan:  "WHAT??!!"


As you can plainly see, this shit needs to end.
Fix now.


Love, 


Dani






Dear People Who Think OR-range Is Pronounced AH-range,


It's not.


Love,


Dani


O-range.  OR. Ange.  ORANGE, DAMMIT!


Dear People Who Put "At" At The End Of A Sentence,

Just stop.

Don't ask me, "where I'm located AT."  
Don't say, "Where's it AT?"

Just... don't.

Love,

Dani


It's for your own good.



And finally...

Dear Men Who Wear Bike Shorts,

You might want to rethink that choice.

Love,

Dani