Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

06 January 2012

Moobs: The Men, The Mystery

I decided to tune in to Biggest Loser this week, mainly to motivate myself to get off my ass so that one day I don't wind up on national tv in lycra shorts and a sports bra, sharing my flab with the world.

Instead, I was transfixed by the blatant display of man breasts parading up to the giant scale.

And I asked myself:

"Why is that shit not censored?"

I mean, seriously... Saggy woman tits?  Would never be on display during prime time viewing.  Or any other time.

Fabulous woman tits?  While we get to view them scantily clad and nipping like crazy on pretty much every television show under the sun, they still aren't proudly naked and bouncing happily for all our eyes to behold.

Saggy man tits, on the other hand?

Apparently, this is something we all need to see.

Let's review:

Her tatas are covered, because we would all have to pluck out an eye, as it would obviously offend us.  His  glorious man breasts, on the other hand, are proudly flopping around while we all look on and cheer.

Remember all the hullaballoo when Janet Jackson had a costume fail at the superbowl?  It cost the NFL gazillions of dollars because her naked breast with a nipple shield on national tv destroyed the lives and the innocence of our entire country.  People were in therapy for years after that one boob flashed across their screens, larger than life and possibly in high def.  

We were a nation in crisis.

I'm sorry to force you all to relive this tragic moment, but let's all face our fears, shall we?


Thank God that's over.  

Let's take another look...

Just fine for Prime Time:


One more time...

Good naked:

Completely unacceptable and BAD naked:

Oops... wrong side... My bad...


Too big:


Too small:

Juuuuuust right:

Now you know.


  1. I'm glad I haven't eaten today. In light of this truly effective dietary motivation, I may never eat again.

    Wait... I just remembered that I have turkey enchiladas in the fridge. I'm good. I'ma go work on fortifying my own rack for national television.

  2. You are my favorite.
    I have tears.

  3. I watch the Biggest Loser whilst eating ice cream. Those tubbies make me feel skinny like a super model!

    And don't take away the gratuitous display of man-boobage!! How else will I get my fix of prime time hooters in this puritan society?

  4. Is is wrong that I'm envious of Jack's rack?

    I, too, get a vicarious thrill out of all the boobccicles on Biggest Loser... I would be secretly disappointed if the men wore sports bras and the women were on display.

    I don't know why.

  5. Why do you persist in haunting us with these images? WHY?!?

    But seriously, you are 100% correct. Moobs are just as offensive as Janet Jackson's star-clad nipple (or whatever is going on there - is it just me or does it look like she has a tiny octopus attached to it?. Really, even more offensive, because where are their pasties? Hmmm?

  6. Vesta... I'm on a mission from God.

    And seriously, I was looking at JJ's boob jewelry thinking, "WTF is that thing clamped to her nipple??" Now I know, thanks to you... it's a flippin' octopus.

    I don't know why I persist in doing this... I can't resist the siren song of Google Images... It beckons me... And when I type in words like "Saggy Man Breasts" I'm like a kid at Christmas when this shit pops up.

    It's a sickness.

    Mea culpa.

    On the other hand, Aunt Becky (Mommy Wants Vodka) wants to eat bacon with me, so I feel somewhat validated.

  7. I want to know why the me need no support to exercise with them big racks. Isn't it painful for them to be flapping in the breeze? Why are they less likely to get black eyes than me?

  8. Not why the "me"... Why the "men"????????

  9. I was all, "She doesn't need support for her large rack??" Thank you for clarifying!

    You would think having their tatas clapping together while they're doing push ups and jumping jacks would be painful, not to mention embarrassing, right?
    Apparently not.

  10. Dear Lord, I am crying. Crying. Also? Is that Janet Jackson picture really what had everyone so upset? There is a star on her nipple. I don't get it.

  11. Right now my mind needs a delete button and my brain needs a shit load of bleach! Yes, you're exactly right. I don't care what sex those titties all belong to. If we cover some, we cover all.

  12. Andrea, I actually saw an infomercial for a man-bra a few weeks back. I laughed myself stupid. As for the post, MY EYES!!!!! I'm putting my fat ass on the treadmill riiiiiight......NOW!!

  13. Becca... that is the famous JJ nipple shot that almost brought down the NFL and destroyed the innocence of the youth of America. Saggy man, titties, however? Totally healthy entertainment for children of all ages.

    Now, let's all strap up our racks and climb on the treadmill!!! Thank you, Jack Nicholson, for your contribution to Fitness 2012!!

  14. I had this exact thought while watching the show.

    I also get annoyed that they make the women stand there in sports bras the whole time, while the guys get to put their shirts back on after the weigh in. Let the bitches wear a shirt too.

  15. I'm dying to picket outside the Biggest Loser Ranch: "LET THE BITCHES WEAR A SHIRT, TOO! LET THE BITCHES WEAR A SHIRT, TOO!"

    HELL yah, Norma Rae!!

  16. Ooof, I tried to read this during work and had to stop many boobies.


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