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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

31 January 2012

Reasons Why I'll Never Go Nude Sky Diving

You know how people always have things on their bucket list, like "Sky Dive Nude Over The Grand Canyon"??

I'm not one of those people.

My bucket list includes things like, "Eat every kind of cheese ever made" and "Flash my boobs at the top of the Eiffel Tower."

(Sidebar:  Absolutely Fabulous is my #1 favorite show, like, ever, and Patsy and Edina are my Siamese Spirit Animals.  In the episode where they go to Paris for a fashion shoot and Eddie lures Saffie to the top of the Eiffel tower and convinces her to flash her boobs, screaming, "Your tits are the key to your cage, darling!" I had an epiphany.  My tits are the key to my cage.  I need to go to Paris and flash them.)


One day, this dream will come true.




My Bucket List (or, as I like to call it, my Fuck It List) does not include activity that involves too much exercise or risking my life.  It doesn't involve running in marathons or bungee jumping off of the Empire State Building, or even taking the Chunnel from London to Paris.  (Okay, I might do that.  But only if it gets me to the top of the Eiffel Tower with  my top off.)

And most of all, I have no such lofty ambition as to throw myself out of an airplane.  Naked.

There isn't enough Xanax and alcohol in the world to EVER make that happen.  (I think.  Though maybe I should add "See if there's enough Xanax and alcohol in the world to make me jump starkers out of an airplane.")


Every time a naked person jumps from an airplane, a nudist gets his wings.

Years ago, my ex-husband and I lived in Lake Elsinore, CA.  Lake Elsinore is famous for biker rallies, high crime, and nude sky diving.

I kid you not.

There is a nudist colony hidden amongst the hills of the Ortega Highway, which winds down into Lake Elsinore.  It's not one of those nudist colonies where people play naked volleyball or naked Twister or lounge naked by a sparkling blue pool.  (Well, they do, but wait... there's more!)

It's one of those nudist colonies where people hike, bike, and throw themselves off of cliffs, naked.

Every year they have a Big Fat Saggy-Tittied Flapping-Nutsack Naked Hang-gliding event.  (I don't know if they actually call it that, but they might as well.)

And thousands and thousands of Lake Elsinorians wander around outside, looking up.

And in 1987, I was one of those people, looking up.


(I didn't actually see anything, but it wasn't for lack of trying.)




"I'm a bird!  I'm a plane!  I'm a... Wait, that's not a rip cord!!!"





I'm intrigued, I am... but not enough to risk life and limb, not to mention numerous abrasions and foreign objects getting lodged in unfortunate orifices.  (Because you just know I'd be the person landing ass-first on a freaking cactus.  And if you don't know that, this is the first time you've read my blog.)

Many thoughts run through my head when I think of the wind in my hair, the bugs in my teeth, the ground 5 miles below me...

I think, "Dear God, it's not a parachute... it's a knapsack!" And then I laugh myself stupid, remembering the time Chandler said it on Friends.


Then I think, "I'd probably poop out of sheer fear... and that would be an unpleasant surprise for the folks below.  Dani, Dani, in the sky, dropped a poopy in my eye..."  And then I laugh myself stupid yet again, because poems about poop are pretty damn funny.

With my luck, the wind would shift and the Santa Anas would blow through the valley and there'd be a Dani-shaped indentation on the side of a mountain.

A naked Dani-shaped indentation on the side of a mountain.  My entire family would have to leave the state of California, just from the shame of that indentation.

Or I'd land, like a disoriented bug, on the windshield of a semi headed for the Grapevine.  Imagine that hurtling towards you as you rounded a bend, listening to country music and talking on your CB radio about the damn fool naked hippies jumping off of cliffs.

Lives would be ruined and again, it would be all my fault.

What if I got flipped upside down, like the Awkward Turtle, and just fell like a sack of stones to the ground, belly up and flapping my arms uselessly trying to fly, but failing miserably and dying an embarrassing and naked death in the deserts of south eastern California, only to be discovered later that same day by a nice family picnicking in the barren countryside on their way to Vegas?

Again, more lives... ruined.  I cannot die with the knowledge that I was responsible for a destroying someone's Vegas Vacation.


But the Number 1 Reason Why I'll Never Go Nude Sky Diving (after 1.  Because I won't and 1 1/2. Because there's no fucking way) is that it doesn't actually look like this:




Nude Skydivers
Pretty sexy girls jump out of a plane!  Yay!  Men are smiling down below!



Oh HAYELLLLL to the no.  It looks like THIS:





Oh. My. God.




I paid wayyyy too much for these boobs to pop them while jumping out of an airplane.


19 comments:

  1. You know you are my favorite blogger EVER, right?

    You have outdone yourself with today's pics. And that last one? Dear God, I hope they pop back out.

    Now please come back to California.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is that not the most frightening thing you've ever seen? If I were ever inclined to jump out of a plane, (which I wasn't, but still) after seeing that there would be no way. In hell. Ever.

      Delete
  2. Hahhahah I never heard of that as a thing before. That's kind of awesome. I would never ever ever do it, but funny to think about.

    Eat all the cheese? THAT I would do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You and your pictures. Mother! Of! God!

    Also, love, love, love me some Ab Fab!

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How do you do that crying thing, with your eyes? Squish squish, darling! Squish squish!

      Delete
  4. Oh HELLLLL NO!! You will never get me jumping out of a plane with my tatas a flappin. Nope. They are floppy enough, I don't need wind resistance stretching those suckers out.

    The pic of the "ripcord" is hysterical!! And disturbing as well. As the norm for you, Dani!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you imagine? I have a visual of Dumbo Ears flapping behind me as I plummet to earth.

      Delete
  5. Ken knew about the colony itself (and way too much at that), but not the airplane extra curriculars.

    The one you're talking about is Mystic Oaks which closed down in 2007. So it's probably safe to look up in Lake Elsinore again. Although the Glen Eden nudist colony sort of picked up where the others left off, so maybe that includes the skydiving as well.

    Also, as someone who's been naked on Black's Beach in San Diego and San Onofre State Beach past trail 6, I can tell you that you may be saggy or overweight, but you will be positively rubenesque compared to the landwhales at either of those locations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww... bummer! Lake Elsinore and Nude Sky Diving will always go hand in hand, in my heart and in my soul.

      I'm pretty sure naked beaching is also not on my bucket list. Topless, possibly, but not a fan of sand residing in the depths of my unmentionables.

      Delete
  6. #1 reason I will never skydive nude: My boobs would block the view and why the hell would I be doing it in the first place if not to take pictures?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right??!!

      For everything, there is a season. And sky diving season is beFORE the tatas discover gravity!!

      Delete
  7. So much to consider...and so many images to try to burn off my eyeballs!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ho. Ly. SHIT!!!! I just fell a little deeper in love with you when I found out you love "Ab/Fab" as I own EVERY season on DVD and my BFF Jess and I have dressed up as Patsy and Edina for the last squagillion Halloweens!!! SQUEE!!!!!!! I'm with you on the skydiving thing as well -- I see no need to have the wind whistling through my vag at mach 12 whilst plummeting to the earth with a parachute wedgie. Domo arigato, but no.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I would hate for some essential part of me
    To run into a bird at terminal velocity
    I can almost certainly guarantee
    It wouldn't be a pretty sight to see.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Reasons why I'd never go nude sky diving:
    1. I'm relatively sane, and it is not sane to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
    2. All my bits would stretch out for miles.
    3. I don't even like getting naked to take a shower.
    4. Combining all of the above would take more liquor than I could possibly consume.

    ReplyDelete
  11. There is empathy to categorically refute nude skydiving but it shouldn’t be due to the latter. Our world carries inherent risks to which many will say delineates living from existing. If jumping from a perfectly good airplane is too much of an adrenaline rush, then start slow by stepping out of your comfort zone for an afternoon and try social nudism. You will find friendly, genuine, honest people who will welcome newcomers with respect and acceptation; you won’t find that at many textile clubs. We spend a lifetime in our skin – to not feel comfortable in it has more to do with internal than external imperfections.

    ReplyDelete
  12. There is empathy to categorically refute nude skydiving but it shouldn’t be due to the latter. Our world carries inherent risks to which many will say delineates living from existing. If jumping from a perfectly good airplane is too much of an adrenaline rush, then start slow by stepping out of your comfort zone for an afternoon and try social nudism. You will find friendly, genuine, honest people who will welcome newcomers with respect and acceptation; you won’t find that at many textile clubs. We spend a lifetime in our skin – to not feel comfortable in it has more to do with internal than external imperfections.

    ReplyDelete
  13. There is empathy to categorically refute nude skydiving but it shouldn’t be due to the latter. Our world carries inherent risks to which many will say delineates living from existing. If jumping from a perfectly good airplane is too much of an adrenaline rush, then start slow by stepping out of your comfort zone for an afternoon and try social nudism. You will find friendly, genuine, honest people who will welcome newcomers with respect and acceptation; you won’t find that at many textile clubs. We spend a lifetime in our skin – to not feel comfortable in it has more to do with internal than external imperfections.

    ReplyDelete

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