Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

10 January 2012

When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Grape juice. Then everyone will wonder how you did it.

Through this difficult time, I feel as if I should be contemplative and think about life... How quickly it passes, how short it can feel.  Most people would probably take a moment to look within themselves and reach for something good, strive to make a mark on the world and a difference in the lives of people they cherish because you  never known which day will be your last.

I decided to look for inspirational life quotes, something that would speak to the inner me, something deep and meaningful that would make my heart skip a beat and make my soul scream, "Yes!  Yes!  That's it!  That's my inner truth!"

We've all seen those beautiful pictures of sand covered beaches, sunsets, beautiful women walking thoughtfully at the edge of the waves, with lovely words of hope, determination and strength written across them... 

Is it just me, or does it look like she's wearing a pull-up?

We all have those friends who find these pictures, place a hand to their hearts, and through misting tears post them on Facebook to share these thoughts with the world...

Normally, I'm not one of those friends.  

I'm the friend looking at the picture and placing my palm to my mouth and emitting a loud raspberry in response to convey my feelings about this imagery.  

(I'm kind of an asshole, in case you didn't know.)

Life has kicked me around some.  I've dealt with tragedy, gone through a long and stupid divorce, was estranged from most of my family because I chose to do the right thing, raised three boys pretty much on my own, survived flooding that destroyed all of my belongings, been so extremely poor that I couldn't feed my children... And on it goes. 

Rainbows, sunsets, sandy beaches and platitudes didn't describe any of the feelings I had while going through all of that.  

For me, it was more like this:

I am going to share with you the inspirational thoughts that speak to me.  These are the words that get me up in the morning, make my little light shine during the day, and comfort me as I lie awake in bed all night (because I've been out of Ambien for like a month, so when I'm in bed, I'm not sleeping).  

I hope these words touch your heart as they've touched mine; I hope you feel motivated to share these thoughts with your friends and loved ones as you reach out to them and let them know you care.

Let's begin with my childhood:

Every year for Christmas I asked my parents for a pony.  I never got one.  It pissed me off, year after year.  All my friends had ponies, I would sob... But my cruel and heartless parents didn't care.  My little heart was broken.  I yearned for a pony... a black one, with a white star on it's forehead.  I was going to name it Stardust and love it forever and ever.  

This speaks to my inner child:

That's right, mom and dad... sleep with one eye open.

Moving along through life...

Okay, not really... But admit it, this spoke to you.  Right?

I don't think I've ever been very far-sighted (not in the literal sense... I'm actually pretty far-sighted, but only in one eye.  In the other eye, I'm legally blind.  True, sad story, y'all).  I am a Sagittarius through and through, flying by the seat of my pants and landing in a pile of shit, only to come up blinking and saying, "WTF?"  It's not one of my finer points, but it is who I is.  And as I sashayed through life without one single plan, this quote touches my very soul:

Admit it... you'd be SO disappointed if I didn't include at least one disgusting image of a fat man naked.

Feel the emotion...

Feel the determination...

Feel the hope...

Embrace who you are...

And always remember and never forget....

If you tickle me, there's a very good chance that I'll kick you in the junk.  Now you know.

Thanks to everyone who offered me love, support, hugs and prayers.  I appreciate it so much!  I spent yesterday reading your blogs and laughing and feeling my heart begin to beat again.  So much love to my friends out there roaming around in the blogosphere!  You make me happy.  


  1. Thanks for the giggles as I spend some quality time with my puppy although he is making this very difficult because he demands 100% of the attention of my right hand to pet him so my cramped confined left forearm is ever so slowly getting this typed mainly with my index finger and sometimes my pinkie finger for relief especially the keys on the left side of the keyboard. I am now hungry and thirsty for more, breakfast yes, life no.

  2. I was going to send you a cookie basket, but 3 minutes of cyberstalking didn't yield any usable results. Then I remembered that we're trying to be all healthy and shit this year. Easy come, easy go!

    You's a funny ho, and the funny will help you make it through. Keep it up.

  3. A cookie basket? Did you say "cookie basket"? Cookie? A basket full of cookies?


    I lost 4 lbs last week. I know, right? I may need a basket of cookies to keep me from getting TOOOOO thin. *cough* You know we wouldn't want THAT...

  4. Best inspirational quotes EVER.

    And really, who DOESN'T look at the inspirational phrases with the hot chick and sand and waves and whatnot and blow a raspberry while giving a mental eff you? But your quotes? Awesome.

  5. I have walked a bunch this year '12 catching the park when its just warm enough, its a great place, smooth new asphalt 1/4 mile track, walking with my eyes closed as much as possible, enjoying the sunshine beat down upon me, relish in the laughter and joys audible of the children on the swings and slide.

  6. I mean, if you think it will keep you from getting all anorexic and whatnot, I guess the cookie basket is still on the table. Up to you, cupcake!

  7. No, no no....our Dani is trying to eat healthy and stuff. But because I am her friend I am willing to take those cookies and consume them on her behalf. I will eat them while I read her blog. **Scouts Honor**

  8. DID SOMEONE SAY COOKIE BASKET??? Damn this damn stupid damn diet. Damnit.

    (I too have lost about 6 lbs in the first week. I am starving. I am cranky. I really really want a cookie). :(

    Anyhoo, on to the post . . . brilliant. Just fucking brilliant. I also try to keep sane by looking at funny, witty stuff. When my MIL passed away, I thought all my funny might be gone, too, but then I perused the sites of all the funny bitches and dudes out there, and felt a bit better. Glad to see that is working for you as well. Use whatever you need to pick you up. If it be sand ninjas and fat men jacking off to computer porn . . . so be it.

    Love ya, babe!!

    P.S. I still want a fucking cookie. Grrrr.

  9. Amy, you are such a giver. It's why I love you.

    ESBBOSTON (I make sure I stutter in the middle... E S Buh Boston): I'm uber impressed that you can walk with your eyes closed. I know FOR A FACT that if I did that I would wind up in a fantastic face plant in front of thousands of people. Or in front of a car.

    Mandi: I will keep you posted on the cookies.


  10. Vesta: I made sure I included the fat naked dude, just for YOU.

  11. Hahha this was a great post. ANd yes, she's wearing a pull up. Does anyone think the kid who fucks on the first date looks like the boy from up???

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. No, Gia, just NO to the kid looking like that sweet boy on Up.

    And YES to that pullup, that was the first thing I thought when I looked at that picture.

    You made me laugh my ass off(not literally...I WISH) as usual.

    I'm voting for Dani to get that cookie basket, cookies eaten when contemplating life questions have no calories in them anyway. Usually. There might be one or two exceptions, but they hardly matter. Still voting yes to the cookie basket.

    Sorry, but there was a typo and I'm not able to handle my own typos with any grace at all.

  14. I suggest masturbating ♥ in place of quotes ♥

  15. It SO looked like she was sporting some Depends. That was some SERIOUSLY bad nekkid!! Loved the quotes!!

  16. We too, are grateful ...

  17. Misty love... Somehow I missed your comment until now! Let's run off together and be fat sister wives to that dude who bakes cakes on TLC. Thus, we would be combining two popular topics into one show.

    And there would be cake.

    Lots of cake.

  18. I love the anti-inspirational quotes on . . . because I'm terribly allergic to the lofty inspirational goo that is supposed to be part and parcel of being female these days. Yick. Those of us with the hilariously warped minds: unite! :D

  19. Thanks for finding the funny and sharing it with us!


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!