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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

11 January 2012

Life Lessons: Becoming Dani


1.  Age 6:  If you hang by your knees on the swing set while your sister is cruising on the teeter-totter right next to you, there is a good possibility that she will crash into your face, knock you down, and cause you to get 10 stitches in your chin.  And she won't be sorry, because she will blame you for harshing her rhythm and screwing up her good time.  And she won't get in trouble, because technically, it was your fault.

2.  Age 7:  If you make the obnoxious girl who lives next door to you follow you around the block after you've filled your blue wagon with homemade mud pies and force her to eat them while telling everyone they're chocolate so you can sell them for a penny each, she will get sick.  And you will get in trouble.   And you will continue to hate her.  Forever.

 My mom thinks my friends are bad influences. but honestly, i'm usually the one coming up with the ideas.

3.  Age 7 1/2:  If you cut the obnoxious girl who lives next door to you's hair because she tattled on you for throwing rocks at her over the fence, you will get in trouble.  And you will continue to hate her.  FOREVERRRR.



4.  Age 8:  If you spend a fabulous and rainy Saturday afternoon with your best friend sliding down a cascading mud slide while wearing your Sunday best, you will get in trouble.  And your friend will be sent home.  And your coat will be ruined.  And hers will be, too.  And neither of your mothers will EVER let you forget it.


I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choices

5.  Age 9:  If your 4 year old cousin bites you and you grab his hand and bite him back so hard that you almost pop a vein in your head, you will get in trouble.  He won't, but you will.  And you will plot his demise for the next 40 years.  (Sleep with one eye open, cousin.)


6.  Age 11:  If you fill your sister's tent with tree frogs while she's having a slumber party and then lie about it, you won't get in trouble.  Note to self:  Lying?  Works.  

7.  Age 12:  If you cut your own bangs with a pair of thread clippers because you're mad at your mom for not having it taken care of the second you want it done, and wind up cutting them crookedly and too short, by the time you're done straightening them out, they will be half an inch long, and you will look stupid.  And your mom won't let you stay home from school until they grow out.  Life is so unfair!

Like this, only self-induced and in the privacy of my own home.

8.  Age 14:  If you start your period at school while wearing light blue Dittos jeans, there's a high possibility that no one will tell you, and you will spend an entire day at school and walk home with a blood stain the size of a salad plate covering your rear end completely oblivious to it's existence.  And your mom will not let you change schools, quit school, or leave the country.  Lesson learned:  Stay home with cramps every 28 days for the rest of your life, eliminating this as an issue.

That's easy... the one wearing white pants.  Of course.  

9.  Age 15:  Discover that water skis float, after ripping your bathing suit bottoms in half after catching them on the ladder hook of the speed boat you're on with your boyfriend and four male members of his church youth group.  Experience for the first time how it feels to be spread eagle on your back with your legs spread and your business exposed to the world.  Decide to never have a gynecological exam.  Ever.  

10.  Age 16:  If you wait long enough, you will grow boobs.  


11.  Age 17:  If you spend an entire day tanning only the front of your body on the beach in Monterey with your friend Tina, you will wind up with 3rd degree sunburns on your face, chest, stomach, and thighs.  And you will look like half an Oreo cookie in your really cute Gunny Sax prom dress with the spaghetti straps.  And you won't be allowed to tan for the rest of the summer because you gave yourself such severe sun poisoning.

12.  Ages 18-22:  Beer before liquor, never been sicker.  Oh, and pass the fucking tequila.  Also?  Who is that smokin' hot guy who showed up with that girl I hate?  Her boyfriend?  Perfect.



13.  Ages 22-49:  If you're going to fall down, which you will, you can guarantee there will always be someone there to witness it.  Always.



14.  Age 49:  Every time you fall down, you will get back up.



(See how I made that all motivational and shit?  Threw that in at the last minute?  Because that's how I roll, my peeps.)