Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

08 February 2012

Fat Girl Problems

I'm having a Fat Day, y'all.  

If you've never had a Fat Day and don't know what I'm talking about, then I would kindly and politely like to invite you to please kiss the absolute fattest part of my ass.

A Fat Day is a day like any  other day, except that on THIS particular day, nothing fits.  You seemingly have swollen up to 5 times your normal size overnight, while you slept.  Your face is fat, your neck is fat, your back is fat, your ass is fat, even your feet are fat.  And it isn't about the dreaded water retention (as I am currently retaining about 40 lbs of water, I speak from experience), it's just that you happened to wake up FAT.

It's a phenomenon that female scientists have been studying for years.

I woke up this morning feeling... fat.

It's like, there suddenly wasn't enough room for both Maisy and me in the bed.  She kept looking at me like, "Move over, fatass!" and I was all, "Dude... if I move over anymore, I'll fall off the bed!  And I'm so fat this morning that I'd leave a large Dani-shaped hole in the floor and plummet into Mr. Awesome's apartment!  And since I'm pretty sure his bedroom is right below ours, I'd most likely land on HIM and kill him, because I'm so fucking FAT, and then I'd wind up in prison for involuntary man slaughter.  Prison mean unflattering orange jumpsuits and peeing in a toilet in the middle of a room with 20 other people hanging around watching you.  And for that reason, and that reason alone, I refuse to move over any further!"

At that point, we reached an impasse.  Her big round puggy eyes were mournfully accusatory, until I finally rolled myself off the bed and into the kitchen to make coffee.

And then it occurred to me...


Reason #46373475 Why I Will Never Own A Sailor Suit:

While my coffee was brewing I decided to take my shower, hoping that the steam from the hot water would melt some of my fat off.  

I'm telling you, I barely fit in the shower.  I kept knocking shit off the shelves and dropping my razor and saying "OOOF!" every time I bent to pick it up.  

I became out of breath toweling off.

I hauled out my Fat Clothes and prepared myself to spend the day feeling fat.

And then, this happened:

My yoga pants fit more like leggings than yoga pants.

I'm too fat for yoga pants.

What comes after yoga pants?  A freaking muumuu??  

What's the clothing progression for refatting?

I did some research.

Apparently, according to Fat Girl Monthly, it goes like this:

1.  Jeans.

2.  Yoga pants.

3.  Big girl jeans.

4.  Pants with an elastic waist.

5.  Stretch pants.

6.  Sweat pants.

7.  Muumuu.

What does it say about me that her socks bother me more than her over-hang?

8.  Paramedics breaking down the wall in your bedroom and lifting you out with a crane.  (Or, if you're the fat guy in Mexico, they put you on the back of a truck and throw you a parade.  I think I'm moving to Mexico.)

I'm fluctuating between Level 2 and Level 3 Fatness.

I wept openly for the the skinny jeans hanging in my closet.  

I wept harder for the fat free half and half that I poured into my coffee.

I sobbed at the box of donuts that Dan bought, sitting on the counter unopened and uneaten.

I raged at the egg white omelette that tasted like shit and was lacking in essentials, like cheese and bacon.

I kicked the scale that was openly mocking me where I put it to remind me that I'm fat, at the entrance to the kitchen.

I hurt my toe when I kicked it.

I hopped up and down holding my fat foot and swearing loudly.

I spent 10 minutes hating every one and every thing in this world that is thinner than I...

And then I remembered...


And once again, everything is right with my world.


  1. My eyes! MY EYES!! Oh god, Dani. That muumuu one! For the love of pete, stop that shit.

    I have been having many a fat day. I just wake up and realize that during the night, someone has snuck into my closet and replaced all of my formerly loose clothing with sizes obviously 2 sizes too small. I put on a sweater yesterday that used to swim on me. Swim. I could not wear it. It was too small. Kill me now.

    Be careful with all that hopping. You might break through and fall on Mr. Awesome whilst he is eating his wheaties. I will visit you in prison, though. I will try to sneak a shiv into a pound cake. Or help with a jailbreak.

    Oh, and turkey bacon and 2% shredded sharp cheddar cheese (just a little) for those egg whites. Not ideal, but it helps.

    1. We could be PMS Outlaws... you could be the super cool lawyer who helps her (future) sister wife break out of prison with a shiv tucked into a butter pound cake...



      I'm sorry, what was I saying?

  2. This makes me just want to shout at the world that I'm beautiful the way I am. Even when I don't fit in the shower!

    1. OR... and this is just a thought... Perhaps I just need a larger shower... ?

  3. Hahaha. Fat free half and half - we have that at work. What IS it? Half of what, then? Also I have those days when I'm facetiming (videochatting) with Boyfriend and I'm like WOW my face looks HUUUUUGE

    1. I'm thinking it's half synthetic cream and half not real cream. I'm not sure. It tries to be regular half and half, but it fails miserably. It makes me sad.

      And I just can't stand regular milk in my coffee. And since I only have fat free milk in my house, that's even sadder. Have you ever seen coffee with fat free milk in it? It's... blue. And it tastes nasty.

  4. I cannot hit the forward button fast enough to share this! I guess walmart is good for at least one thing!

    1. God Bless you, Sam Walton, wherever you are...

  5. Oh honey, I can help. Let me cough on you.You'll be sicker than you've been in decades, you won't smell or taste anything, and you will not want to eat.

    Seriously, I made an apple coffee cake with cream cheese frosting on Sunday and I wouldn't eat it because I couldn't taste it. I've lost at least on jeans size. Know how I can tell? Because my rat bastard husband pantsed me without having to unbutton them first.

    1. I love it when being sick comes with the silver lining of instant weight loss.

      Every time I get sick I always think, "Well, at least I'll lose some weight..."

      Sad but true.

      Now breathe on me, dammit.

  6. It took me like a minute to figure out the what the fleshy part was hanging down in that picture!

    Fat days suck! It seems like I have them more and more lately. I worry that one day the only thing that will fit me is stuff that Omar makes...along with his tents. I don't even want to think that summer is coming soon - hubby might need to up the horsepower on the boat

    1. The day my belly hangs down below my muumuu is the day I float myself off to sea on an ice flow.

      I'm dreading summer... these chunky little thighs are going to create some serious friction if I don't get my ass on a treadmill, like, now.

    2. Even in upstate bumfuck, you could probably find a treadmill for free on Craigslist if you wanted. And then you can watch trash TV while getting all slim and hotter.

      The trick then becomes not using it for clothing storage like my mom does.

  7. I work part time for a theatre as a stagehand and we had a cool group come through doing a Vegas style magic show with disappearing tigers and shit .(I know this sounds like nothing to do with your post but bear with me). Every one of the cast was either a buff tall (gay) male or a tiny woman, which makes sense since the women were generally the ones vanishing during illusions. They needed some simple things and I suggested they go to TJ Maxx as it was nearby. Said tiny woman came back later looking utterly terrified, and I knew even before I asked her: "You didn't take my advice, you went to Wall Mart didn't you?" She was traumatized. There is nothing like Wallmart - especially in small towns - to make you feel better about yourself. It's also, as you pointed out, very interesting how tractor-trailer-sized-ass people will tug on leggings. It makes me think of sausage casing. And after that long winded comment, hope you wake up feeling slimmer tomorrow.

    1. Oh my goodness, the poor tiny little magical thing!! Walmart in a small town is the BEST. Mullets, fatties in assless jeans riding motorized scooters... It doesn't get any better than that.


      I don't think I've ever had a Thin Day, you know? One of those days where you feel THINNER than you are?

      I need to make that happen.

  8. And to make it worse, your pants (granted you can get in them) become high waters on fat days.

  9. Poor Snoopy. He was NEVER meant to look like, or AT that!!

  10. I am with Misty - please, at least put a warning at the top of your posts when you plan to assault our eyeballs. That stomach hang one made my stomach turn.

    You know what really annoys me about fat days? When your spouse looks at you like you have lost your mind and says, "Whatever, just put something on so we can go."


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