Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

24 February 2012

Fatty Falls Down

It was Just.  Like.  THAT.

It's taken me a couple of days to blog about this because a) I'm still in pain, b) it's not quite funny yet, and c) all of the above.

Here's what happened:

It had been raining most of the morning and had finally cleared up.  I leashed up Javi and Maisy and joyfully went skipping down the stairs, ready to take a nice walk in the clean, damp air.  

As we frolicked down the steps, I noticed a giant puddle blocking my exit to the street.  The doglets had wisely paused mid-frolic, hesitant to get their prissy little feet wet.

I have no such inhibitions.

I have waterproof rain boots and I'm not afraid to use them.

"Come on, you two!" I yodeled, yanking their leashes and tromping my boot-clad foot into the puddle.

This, my dear people, is where I realized I had made a drastic error in judgement.

It was here that I had a lightbulb moment one minute too late.

It was here that I realized the puddle wasn't water, but black ice.

It was here that I crashed and burned and almost died.

(The death would have been from embarrassment, fyi.)

As my foot hit the ice I performed an impromptu jazzy little dance number, arms and feet flailing like I was attempting to take flight.

Like this, only without the joy.

I let go of the leashes and desperately grabbed at the wimpy pine trees bordering my sidewalk, hoping to find something strong enough to at least slow my descent to the frozen tundra of northern New York.  Sooner rather than later, my pile-driving ass hit the ground with a resounding thud...  

Then all was silent as I lay there, sprawled on the ice with pine needles raining gently onto my head.

Public Service Message for idiots from California who can't tell the difference between ice and water.

As I looked up (my first instinct being to see if anybody saw me fall... Because if a fat girl falls in the forest and no one is there to see it, it didn't really happen) I saw the headlights of a car slowly approaching, then creeping past as all occupants stared out the window at the shapeless, motionless blob in a bright pink sweatshirt lying bloody and bruised in the middle of an ice patch.

Like this, only less gansta and more hillbilly.

I could almost hear them inquiring within:

"What IS that?"

"Is it a bird?"

Clumsy flightless waterfowl?

"Is it a... plane?"

Ground control to Major Tom... ??

"No... no... I think it's a fat girl lying in the snow..."

Only without a helmet.

Javi bailed on me, obviously too embarrassed by my antics to even consider sticking around.  He sat by the door of the apartment building, deliberately not looking at me and pretending he had no idea who the ridiculous human lying on the cold hard ground could possibly be.

Maisy, on the other hand, took herself on a walk, seeing that I apparently wasn't going to bother.

Meanwhile, in the apartment not 10 feet from where I lay...

Thank you for your service.  Asshole.

Finally realizing that the earth was indeed NOT going to open up and swallow me, I pushed myself up onto my hands and knees.  Obviously not learning my lesson the first time around, I grasped at the pine branches to help pull myself up.

The delicate aroma of pine filled the air as I came away with another handful of needles and no leverage.

At least my death will be piney-fresh, I thought, as another car drove slowly by.  

(At least THOSE people had the decency to look away when they noticed I was watching them.)

After attempting to stand and failing miserably, I realized my only way out of this predicament was to crawl on my hands and knees back to the relative safety of the apartment building.   As nonchalantly as I could,  I dragged my sad and sorry ass across the ice, through the slush and puddles and muck and mire, to the steps of the front porch, where, equally casually, I pulled myself upright and limped up the stairs.

Like this, only without dignity.

A catalog of my injuries included a sprained wrist, scraped palms, jammed thumb, three broken acrylic nails, sprained ankle, giant bruise on top of foot, bruised and shredded knee, bruised hip, and seriously damaged ego.

I've been feeling sorry for myself ever since.

Fuck you, Chinese Proverb.


  1. Ouch! Both physically and pride-wise. I always hate when that happens. I usually end up doing it around a huge audience, though. Because I am just so damn lucky that way. Oh, and when I'm pregnant. Yeah, grace is definitely NOT my middle name!

  2. It's not that I think your pain is funny, but the vivid description of the jazz dance followed by being disowned by your dogs for reasons of embarrassment and better things to do made me laugh out loud, right in the middle of a silent office.

    Remind me to send you some sample packets of biofreeze for the bruises and sprains.

  3. I am thinking that it would add insult to injury to put ice on the physical about administering chocolate for the damaged ego!

  4. Quick....need your address stat! I will send you my "I do my own stunts" t-shirt that my hubby gave me since I am gracefully challenged. Falling sucks, but it is so much better when their are no witnesses. My last big fall involved me, my baby in the front strap on baby carrier, and the side walk meeting both of our faces. Yes, I tripped and fell on a crowded sidewalk carrying my baby and we both came up with bloody faces. Damn, I hated the sympathetic people too, it so hurt my ego! Maybe you can celebrate by getting to sleep on the "gas" free couch tonight??

  5. Wow, I could feel your pain in your entire post. I slipped and fell down frozen stair off my deck. I also had the audience of my dogs and cats. They really didn't seem to care either. Except they thought I was on the ground to play. I landed face first in gravel. I was a mess. But not much pain until the next day...then it felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Take a hot bath in epsom salts and ibuprofen every 4 hours. Feel better ok?

  6. Painful ... [in every way]. Yet another step, in the 'ungraceful aging process' is coming to the realization that 'one' can no longer bounce. I'm sorry.

  7. I hope you're feeling better soon, those injuries sound pretty painful. Dare I ask what your hubby said when you told him what happened? My most humiliating fall was in middle school. There I was walking up the stairs to class when someone catches my eye, my crush. I prepare to pass him with a flirty smile, but I tripped over a step. Instead of my bout going down I did some crazy dance trying to regain my balance but only flung forward, flying over about two steps and landing on my knees and my face. It was horrible, but kinda funny 16 years later.

  8. Oh no! The only thing that sucks worse than falling is falling in public. The first looky-loo family in the car better watch out, because as you know, Karma is a real biyatch!


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