Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

23 February 2012

And everybody was Ninja Fartingggg...

Okay, I think I'm finally ready to talk about it.

A week or so ago I posted about a telemarketer gone rogue, who was able to subdue me because I was weak from the effects of a Ninja Fart that Dan had hired to assassinate me in my sleep.

(You can refresh your memory here.)

It was a night like any other night.

Dan was snoring his ass off and I was lying awake, plotting his demise.  I had casually pressed a pillow against all of his air holes and was gently applying pressure when suddenly, out of the blue, a fart so powerful, so pervasive, so silent, leaped from his ass and with rapid-fire precision, proceeded to attempt to kill me without leaving so much as a mark.

I never even heard it coming.

One minute I was smothering my husband with a pillow  muffling Dan's snoring, the next I was practically levitating in a frantic effort to get air that was untainted with the foulest ass gas known to mankind.

This fart broke all laws of gravity.  It hovered in mid-air over my head (picture the Matrix, only without Keanu) and violated all rules of the time-space continuum.  (I have no idea what that means, but I can picture it in my head.) 

I clawed at the air and fell out of bed, crawling towards the window croaking, "Air... air... I need air..."  

I could actually feel my spirit leaving my body as I made one final, desperate lunge at the window, pushed it open, and stuck my head out in the frigid sub zero air.

I sat there breathing until icicles formed on my nose and fart crystals created a green cloud in the vicinity of Dan's ass.

When I finally climbed back in bed I was so weak and defenseless that I couldn't even kick the crap out of him with my icy little feet.  Instead, I just laid there, watching the ominous cloud of fart turn itself into the shape of a dragon and finally, finally, disappear into the atmosphere with a silent but deadly "poof."

When morning eventually dawned and Dan's alarm went off, I was still wide awake, terrified of the return of the Ninja Fart.  

After Dan hit snooze three times (have I ever mentioned how much I hate that?  JUST GET OUT OF BED.  Seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  I do NOT understand the purpose of snooze.  I just don't) he finally rolled over and gave me his sleepy good morning smile.

Dan:  *looking all innocent and sweet*  "MMmmmm... morning, baby... How did you sleep?"

Me:  *looking pissed off, haggard, and like I'd spent the previous 8 hours fending off Ninjas*  "I didn't."

Dan:  *looking surprised, even though I never sleep and he knows it*  "Why?"

Me:  *waxing eloquent about his snoring, his bed hogging, his snoring, his farting, his snoring, and finally, the Ninja Fart*

Dan:  *looking pleased as punch*  "Really?  IT WAS THAT GOOD?"


  1. I think my son would grieve if he found out he missed a fart so powerful!

    1. Dan was torn between delight in the knowledge that he'd almost killed me with his bare ass and disappointment that he'd slept through it.

  2. You are killing me.....I totally ruined my makeup over picturing the Ninja Fart.

    1. Better to be killed by picturing the Ninja Fart than the actual fart itself... yes? (And if I'm ever found dead of unknown causes, you'll know the truth of what actually happened.)

  3. HAHAHA oh man, this made me crack up in my cubicle. Awesome.

  4. Men. I will never to my dying day understand how they can be so proud of those noxious emissions coming out of their ass. Never understand.

    I died at the visual of the hovering fart dragon. Love it. Probably not as fun in the moment, though.

    Here's what you do . . . can of febreeze by the bed. Next time he ninja farts at ya, spray his ass with it. And use the whole can if necessary above you. Might save your life!

  5. Men show pride at the strangest things. How many women do you know that would be excited to have nearly killed their lover with a fart? None. The answer is none.

  6. I don't get snooze either. You can hit it once. That's it. My boyfriend hits snooze like 5 times. Once he hits 6, I'm going to roll him out of bed.


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