I've managed to ignore all the spam screaming at me about how I can make my penis grow, or maintain my boner for extended periods of time.
I've quickly deleted all the "All Nude Teen-Age Sluts" emails, shake my head at the letters from beautiful blonde foreign women who are dying to meet me and desperate to send me pictures of their boobs, and roll my eyes at all the dirty porn that passes from my inbox to my trash can with one easy click.
But now there's a new development that I can't ignore.
Now I know FOR A FACT that Yahoo thinks I'm a dude.
|I'm not a dude! Now excuse me while I adjust my junk.|
To add insult to injury, not only does Yahoo think I'm a dude, it thinks I'm an old dude. With a small penis. Who can't get it up.
Okay, maybe not "old" exactly, but middle-aged, single and desperate. And apparently not hot enough to land myself a trophy wife.
So here's what happened:
I've been noticing a lot of emails from match.com and eharmony and other dating sites in my inbox.
Dear Christianmingle.com aka "Find God's match for you!",
Is God really sitting in your main office looking for the perfect match for me? Is he all, "Screw the situation in the Middle East! The starving children in Africa will have to wait! I need to find Dani a man!"
I view this kind of the same way I view Jesus's Facebook page.
I view it mockingly.
Delete, delete, delete, because let's face it: Dan doesn't like it when I date, even if it's God's match for me. He's unreasonable like that. (I know, right? Why do I put up with him?)
|I know this has nothing to do with my blog topic but I think it's hilarious.|
So then I started noticing those little ads that Yahoo puts on the sidebar. And they all had a recurring theme.
And THAT'S when I knew FOR A FACT that Yahoo thinks I'M A MIDDLE-AGED DUDE.
Ad Number 1:
Date Single Women Over 50!
Ad Number 2:
Meet Single Women 50+ In Your Area!
(Ummm... in MY area? Yeahhh... you might want to rethink that...)
|I love long walks on the beach, puppies, and candle-lit dinners...|
Ad Number 3:
|I haven't been hard in YEARS...|
And finally, the coup de grace...
Ad Number 4:
This is when the proverbial lightbulb went off over my head and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Yahoo was under the distinct impression that I am a desperate middle-aged man with no pizzazz left in my tiny little pecker.
I mean, if I were a dude, I'd have PLENTY of pizzazz in my pecker. PLENTY. And my pecker would be HUGE. Also? Women would be lined up on my doorstep. I'd be fighting them off with a fire hose. (No Freudian pun intended... I literally mean a fire hose. You know, how you turn a hose on two dogs gettin' jiggy with it in your front yard because the children are pointing and laughing and let's face it, dogs doin' the dirty is not only embarrassing, it's hella awkward? Like that. THAT kind of hose. Only bigger. With more power. Because I'm a MAN.)
|Nothing phallic to see here, folks... move along...|
Clearly, I need to set Yahoo straight.
I mean, really... how could they mistake ME for a HIM?
What is it about me that screams "tiny limp penis"???
|Is it my 5:00 shadow??|
|My athletic build?|
|My resemblance to Tim Curry in drag?|
I mean seriously... what could it be?